How to get over a big property purchase mistake

[Oakbutterfly]

Hello,

I can't even bring myself to write the whole story...

Just want some tlc really.

I'm in a very lucky position to be able to buy a small house - but it's been a horrible process moving out of London. Lived in a noisy, small flat in London for 19 years. After Covid and friends leaving London, needed to make a change - didn't want to live in a box for the rest of my life. I only work part time because of health so can't get a mortgage, but lucky enough to have paid off my mortgage after 19 years - so have a capital pot.

I couldn't decide where to move (had been thinking about it since before Covid, visiting loads of places - Brighton, Hastings, St Leonards, Margate, Totnes, Hebden Bridge, Stroud, Oxford, Bristol, Devon, Cornwall - but still stuck on where to go as a single person with no real pull). Stayed with parents in home counties. Found somewhere in a uni town near a dear friend - but the conveyancing went on for ages and eventually fell through. I had a bit of a breakdown from the stress of it all at that point.

At this point, a significant ex came back into my life - long story - she didn't want me to move too far away, so really needed to move out of my parents after 2 years.. so impulsively bought somewhere in a town near her.. Somewhere I had considered and rejected before in terms of it being too home counties - small town - no one like me (liberal, gay woman who has lived in London all my adult life). She made the area feel like magic, but was going through a divorce and coming out.

Anyway, she ended things with me during the conveyancing process, but I really needed to leave my parents' place after all this time, so I decided to proceed anyway.

It feels now I have made a huge mistake. I realise I only bought this place under her spell, and now it is full of grief for the relationship break up and losing the last place I was trying to buy is consuming me.

I was in London for work this weekend and loved being there with my friends (apart from the pollution). It does feel very busy, but at least people who look interesting are around - I feel like I am in some sort of middle England, culturally monotonous hell at the moment.

The house needs more work than I wanted to do - I opted for an easy chain free conveyancing process on a relatively new place after all the issues I had with the last one, but overlooked not actually liking the house, particularly the small living room, and the tiny, outdated kitchen, the old laminate flooring, the north facing garden, it feels claustrophobic.

Now I'm not sure whether to invest money in it to make it a bit nicer - but how much? I might want to sell fairly soon - so I only really want to spend money that is going to add to it's appeal to buyers - there is scope for various things like extensions, but I don't have the capacity to do that.. possibly bifold doors - but I'm not sure I would get the money back...

I'm considering either selling it and moving back to London (although it is very polluted and pricey) or maybe Oxford, or renting it out and maybe doing a masters in Edinburgh. Or also maybe renting and travelling - but I was really craving a home.. somewhere to be settled with all my stuff and to heal.

My job is mainly work from home, and I feel very isolated. I'm finding it hard to go on local walks as it reminds me of my ex. I tried to go out and make friends, but don't fit in at all with the local people - who are all either tanned and posh or tanned an into botox.. I know this sounds judgemental and probably is..

I feel like I have woken up in a nightmare after being in this whirlwind relationship - I should have known better about.

I feel like such an idiot. My therapist thinks I'm panicking, but I just want out.. not that I am that sure where I would go to. I just don't want to waste my life investing in this place - I can only think about her when I am here. I was so happy all weekend in London and coming back here, I have plunged back into the depths of sadness and isolation.

I have also got some big decisions to make about having a hysterectomy or myomectomy and about my work.. I just feel like such a fool having made a big life decision of the back of a short fling in the hope that this house would be somewhere special for us to be together and for the local walks to be somewhere we could spend time together. I've been single most of my life, but always wanting to be with someone, so the grief seems overwhelming.

Just looking for tlc really and anyone else who has made a silly mistake and how you overcame it?

You haven't made a mistake, you made a decision with the information you had at the time. I'm sorry your relationship has ended, that's really hard. Buying houses is incredibly stressful, it sent me over the edge last year and I ended up on antidepressants. Buyers remorse is a v real thing, especially when compounded with end of a relationship.

Either way, it will be OK. It took Mr a year for my house to feel like home, I read something about living through all 4 seasons and seeing familiar things again after a year. If you live in it for a while you may grow to love it. If you don't, perhaps you can sell or rent. But either way, it will honestly all be ok in time.

You have taken major decisions at a time when you are vulnerable. The decisions don't feel right at the minute. You are about to repeat that.

Can you slow any of your decision making down until you feel less vulnerable?
That way you are not making more big decisions in haste.

I would rent out your house, go travelling, find your people and give yourself chance to recover. When you return, consider some of the bigger decisions.

I second this

I don’t know if this helps at all, but I have bought 4 houses in my life and each time went through a period of panic/remorse when I first moved in. Gradually it faded though, and eventually I settled.
it takes a while for a house to feel like home, especially if you’ve changed areas as well and I think tbh what you’re feeling is pretty normal.
I would say give yourself some time and don’t make any hasty decisions x

You've made an impulsive decision to buy the house, please don't rush to think the solution is to move again.

The house may well not be right for you, but don't beat yourself up. You thought the relationship was for the long haul. You can't be blamed for that.

Can you say roughly where you are? I've lived in the home counties all my life and actually found them fairly liberal with a lot of community spirt and activities going on.

You need to find out a bit more about where you are and what's going on. Start seeing if you can make new friends and have something to focus on.

You can improve the house. The lounge can be decorated and the kitchen modernised. Give it some time. I think you're still recovering from your break up.

Kindly @Oakbutterfly… breathe.
I think your therapist is right. You are panicking and your thoughts are bouncing all over the place.
The best thing you can do for now… is nothing. Work with your therapist on managing your giref and focus on what you want next in your life before you make any decisions.
wish you all the best.

OP if you come onto Mumsnet regularly you'll see loads and loads of people feeling like they made the wrong decision with a property purchase. You are not alone. Even more people write they they disliked their new house for a while and now love it!

As the good advice said above, you didn't make a mistake - you chose this house based on all the information you had at the time. It's natural that a place can seem magical when you're experiencing it with someone special.

I agree with the PPs who advise you to not make any decisions at this moment. You're still grieving the loss of this relationship, which sounds significant. I think don't make any decisions right now. I'm so sorry about your breakup but please know that it will get better!

I totally agree with this. It’s actually really helpful to me to read some of these comments. I bought my current house when under a lot of stress and realised it was a mistake. I e beaten myself up about it, but actually it’s so true I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had.

You need to just get away somewhere else for a while, do something completely different, meet some new people and come back fresh. Rent your place out and just do it.

I feel like I am in some sort of middle England, culturally monotonous hell at the moment.

This would be my idea of hell too.

Go travelling! Go to a cheapish country for a few weeks and take time to think and decide what you really want in life. Being outside your home, culture and country gives great insights. Oh, and make sure it's gay-friendly.

Probably cheaper in the long run than a therapist

many are crap, haven't even got their own shit together

Would looking after something in your new home help? ...plants pets? Caring for others can feel like caring for oneself. My dog is such a companion. And introduces me to other adults constantly!
North garden means south on one side of house I hope. And even north gardens get sunny as summer progresses.
Stay put for a year at least if only to work out what is most important to you and what is wrong with this particular set up. But change the lino.
You sound such a sensitive thoughtful soul and any new neighbourhood should be lucky to have you

HUGS 🤗

💕🌷💕🌷

be kind to yourself!!

We have all made mistakes/made stupid decisions/what ever you want to call it.

I am like you in some ways. I bought my small place outside of London because nowhere that I wanted to live in London was affordable. But I miss London a lot. I want to live at the beach. I want to live in a lovely pretty little village in the country. I want to live in the middle of London, but there's only one of me and actually I can't even really afford any of those places. I want a bigger place, but I don't want to move to any of the locations where I could afford a bigger place and I can't afford a bigger place where I live.🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

How old are you? How interested are you in doing a PhD or do you just fancy Edinburgh???

With your health conditions, how would you find travelling? And can you afford it?

I think you need to find some calm to really be able to think about what you want to do next I think the worst thing would be to sell in haste and buy somewhere else that is not right for you.

I'm sorry, I'm really tired so I may have missed you saying this or failed to use my powers of deduction, but how long have you been in the house now?

Are you Health issues quite stable or are they likely to get in time? I'm not sure about mine it's a case of.'wait and see' which doesn't make decision making very easy.

Know where you'd like to travel to? Would you like to go to those places for a long time and try and make a life there or do you literally just want to travel? Go and see them and come back??

As much as I miss London, with my health condition now & not knowing what it will bring in the future I don't feel I can make the most of living in London any more so even if I could find a way to live there again I think I might feel more sad living there but not really being able to enjoy it?!?!

It's certainly not easy, but yeah, I definitely think you need some calm to think about what you really want next. Try really hard to plan a nice walk and try to not focus on your ex while you're doing that. Really focus on the lovely aspects of the walk and maybe the pub at the other end.🤣🤣💕

Book a holiday by all means but don't rent your house out just yet.

At the very least, a much more enjoyable way to spend the money!!

There's a wonderful book called "Refuse to Choose" btw which Ive found very helpful with decision making.

Give it a bit of time OP, paint the house in colours you love and change the horrible laminate flooring. Get to know some new people. The memory of your whirlwind love will fade with time and you may get to like it there.
I wouldn't spend a fortune on improvements especially bifold doors which are fashionable, just about, but not everyone likes. You might get some advice about what will grow well in a N facing garden, and you'll enjoy the shade when the hot summer starts.
You couldn't possible know how things would turn out, so don't blame yourself.

Sounds like you’re very overwhelmed at the moment. I’d park the idea of moving for a bit and concentrate on your health. I understand what you mean about the Home Counties, it wouldn’t be for me either but you might need to make peace with it for a bit and try to forge connections.

Long term, if you can afford it, there are lots of parts of London that are not super busy, noisy or polluted. I’d take time to scope those areas out - it might make you feel better if you know you have a longer term plan to return.

Don't beat yourself up OP. We've all been there. I still am! Was in middle of moving when elderly parents who I was moving to live nearer to got ill (heart attack). Having sold my flat in Edinburgh (well under offer) and made an offer on a place near them I was put in a tailspin thinking if my mum dies do I still want to move there. Mum had another heart attack and in a blind panic I pulled out of house purchase.

Moved in with parents for 8 weeks but couldn't stay there long term as not allowed (age restricted property). Rented a flat which with a dog was slim pickings indeed. Was so noisy it drove me mad. Just wanted to buy something and get it over with. I was restricted by budget because like you I had a pot of cash but couldn't get mortgage. The choice of places was dire. Loads of lovely places 20K outside my budget. Grrrrr. In the end I bought the best one of the bunch and I have to say have not enjoyed living in it.

I am still here 6 years later and likely to be here a few years more. Life got in the way with illness, deaths, lockdown, sorting estates. Like you I feel overwhelmed and down. I did get used to it and there are things I like about it but there is one thing I hate and can't do anything about except move. Honestly I didn't view the house properly as my mum was so ill I was just a mess. Really bad timing.

To really rub salt into the wound about 6 weeks after I moved into house and had already realised I had made a huge balls up another relative died and I suddenly had access to another 60K of funds. This would have made a HUGE difference to the house I bought. As I said there were loads of houses just 20K more which were much nicer and needed less done.

I was absolutely spitting. Now some of that 60K had to be spent doing this place up a bit. Prices have rocketed since then and now these houses that I could have easily bought with my extra 60K are again out of my price bracket.

Like you I made bad decisions in an emotional distressed state.

So a big hug from me cos you are not alone.

I have to do a few jobs to the house before I can sell it again (damage I have caused in all fairness) but I am so worn out with it all I will need to regroup and get my sanity back before I can face having tradesmen in.

I will sell and I will move and so will you if that is what you decide.

As others said though you are upset again just now so wait at least 6 months ideally a couple of years and just regroup. I am trying to get my health sorted whilst I wait.

I am dreading have to move again. Up here in Scotland we seem to have a reputation of house moves being easy and whilst we don't have some of the problems in England it still is not easy. You have to get your own house 'under offer' then you have a mad panic trying to find somewhere and if you can't you lose your buyer or end up buying the wrong place. No way am I going into rented again as it just made things worse. So I have decided if I am 'under offer' and can't find the right house I will just have to lose my buyer and start again.

I wish I had enough money to wait for the right house, buy it and then sell my own afterwards.

Try to appreciate any good things the house / area has and just remember this is where you live 'just now' and not forever. It's a roof over your head to keep you warm and dry.

Hello - I've moved to Tring - but most of my friends and life are in London. I need a queer community too.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.

Tring isn’t so far from London so maybe give it a chance before you do?

Your ex made the town feel magic - which bits did you love? Is there a hobby that you could do there to meet people?

Maybe give it six months of throwing yourself into life there as much as you can. And if you’re still miserable, sell up, go to Oxford or Edinburgh or back to London (how about one of the LTNs in London?). Or even - rent your Tring place out and rent elsewhere while you decide?

I bought a property I regretted once but for different reasons. Loved the area, didn’t love the flat. I couldn’t quite get over it and selling was the right thing to do.

(Tbh, if the idea of throwing yourself into life in Tring for six months is unbearable, then I think that’s your answer!)

You don't have any clear plans and this is not a good time for you to be making big decisions. So I'd say stay where you are for now, give yourself time to grieve and work out what life could be like in Tring.

Re the house - decorate or buy new furnishings- that won't be too costly and may cheer up the house. Also make it different in some ways from when you were with your ex.

Don't assume there is nothing for you in the area - investigate any activities, courses etc that might be on offer.

There are frequent trains to London - or maybe you drive. So visiting friends there won't be difficult unless you're on a very restricted budget. Journey time little more than many routes across London on the underground.