Sudden regret about location

[Littlebittiredoflife]

Lived away from hometown for over 16 years and recently moved house within a ten minute drive of where we've lived for the past decade. I suddenly have massive anxiety and regret about not moving back to home town. House is lovely and really love the location being nearer to children's school. Timings work wise and school wise meant it felt like we missed the boat to even try moving to our home town. But can't shake this feeling I'm living a life that was not meant for me and we'd be better off living near family. Anyone else having the same or similar regrets?

I am not sure this is helpful but I have the opposite moved back to home area 5 years ago and still have massive regrets now! Maybe try and focus on all the positives - your friends and stability for your children.

It is helpful as I hadn't thought about regretting moving back. Yes there would be things we would miss from here but it is mostly the location. Friends are busy, it's nothing like having family nearby to help out and to hang out with. The stability is a big one and mostly why we've stayed put. This is their hometown and as teenagers on the cusp of secondary school it felt like totally the wrong timing.

What is you regret about being back?

Honestly you may be over romanticising life in your hometown. I spent two decades of my adult life living near my hometown and parents, including the early part of when my children were little. Having friends and family around was great but I often had a ‘what if….?’ feeling about my life in another place, and going to the same pubs you went to as a 17 year old when you’re nearly 40/ seeing people you went to school with everytime you go into a shop was starting to make me feel old!

We have recently moved 3 hours away - a move prompted by job factors but which also appealed for the chance to try life somewhere else. I worried about missing home and I do a bit, but I think you gain a lot from living somewhere else.

And also my other observation would be that 95% of life is exactly the same wherever you are 😂

Maybe your regrets are telling you that you want to be more in touch with friends and family?

Absolutely- it's the people I miss not the place at all. I love our location but I'm starting to feel that's not what I want to or should be valuing in life, as it's the people who are most important. We'd probably have enough money and space for a third baby too, which we just don't have heat due to housing costs. So it does feel life would be very different.

The problem with spending more time with family who love further away means we don't have the time here to make more connections with friends and then day to day I'm left feeling sad there's no one here who'd want to come round for a quick cup of tea or a play after school.

I mean there’s nothing wrong with moving back and having another phase of your life in a different place if that’s what you want. Getting more house for your money is definitely tempting (it’s partly why we moved away to be honest!).

For what it’s worth, I did have lots of friends and family ‘back home’ and no shortage of people to meet for a drink or see at the weekend, but didn’t really have anyone I could ring for a cuppa at the drop of a hat, I’m not sure exactly why not but people were working I guess. Maybe it’s different if you have lots of SAHM friends? On the other hand my brother and sister in law have several ‘in and out of each other’s houses’ neighbours and close ‘meet for a coffee’ friends through NCT in a town miles away from where either of them are from.

We’re three hours away now and I suppose it takes a bit more planning to see people but that’s very doable for a weekend or overnight visit. Doing that (either having visitors or going back to visit) once or twice a month doesn’t detract from me settling in the new location.

How long have you been in your new house out of interest? ‘new house blues’ is a thing (I definitely had it, still have it a bit!!). I don’t like the term midlife crisis but those kind of ‘is this where we’re going to live FOREVER?’ / ‘AM I going to have another baby??’ type questions seem to be common in my friends (late 30s/ early 40s) and I do think it’s normal to question things.

What does your OH think?

Good advice from @OneDayIWillLearn .

@Littlebittiredoflife It's not an easy decision. Are your children happy and settled where you live now?

Do you and your partner have the same hometown?

Yes children are very settled, particularly with schools. We both come from different parts of the hometown area but close enough.

OH would live anywhere, he doesn't love here but knows the children are settled. I'm not sure he'd be keen moving home- more likely he'd want to try somewhere new, but he would like being closer to his family. We just felt by the time we could move that we'd missed the boat to try somewhere new or go home due to children's schooling. We moved a month or so ago so it is very new. We are early 30s but yes definitely getting those are we really going to live here all our lives. I've started looking on Rightmove at all the places we could downsize to on twenty years time.

The going back or having people here about once a month is what we do, but we end up missing out on what's going on here especially over specific holidays like Easter and Christmas. Then friends are busy with their own lives and it's hard to find weekends that match. I guess that'd really be similar even if we lived in hometown with friends- just family would be able to visit more often and parents won't be around forever.

Exactly the same story. Moved away to another town been here 17 years, two years ago moved to a house round the corner and now realised it wasn’t my old house that was the problem but the area. It’s been incredibly difficult as my partner is settled but I now want my forever home and it’s back closer to the area I grew up in. I understand it’s all consuming. Everything else in my
life is good but this has over shadowed it all.
We’ve agreed we’re going to put the house on the market in January 2026, which still seems a long way away off to me tbh when everyday you wake up and think “what’ve I done”. I think you need to chat to your partner and make a plan to get you to where you want to be. Don’t bury your feelings they’ll only come back at a later date. I wish you well.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I am sorry you are feeling that way, I totally get the all consuming feeling. I have actually always love the area, when we rented the location felt like home but not the rental because it wasn't ours. Then we outgrew our previous place and the neighbours weren't the best.

I have to be honest, I have been really happy living here the past 5 months and think I was experiencing some new home blues. It is infinitely better than our previous home and we have been able to have friends and family visit us more easily which has made such a difference to how I feel about my home. My partner would be on board with moving and I think we will take stock in 12-15 years time as to whether we make the move then. We have already spent that time living in this location so it does feel manageable. If you don't feel good even waiting until 2026 then I can see why moving would feel like the right decision for you and also makes me feel that staying is the right decision for me, even if a big part of the decision is because the children are happy here.

I do feel sad about not living round the corner from our parents. However, not all of my immediate family live in my home town anyway so we would still have some of the same feelings. It is hard figuring out what feelings to base the decision on.

That’s really nice to hear you have settled @Littlebittiredoflife - I’ve actually thought about you a few times since you posted and wondered how it panned out! We’re 7 months post move now and I’m really enjoying the new house and area after lots of wobbles in the early weeks. It is gradually feeling more and more like home as we get round to projects/ decorating more.

That's so good to hear. You make a good point on decorating and making your own- we don't currently have the budget to do much (and some bigger jobs need doing before decorating or we will just need to decorate after they are done.) We have put up photos but still need to dig out some ornaments and knickers knacks which I am sure will add to the homely feel. Actually your post from the other side really helps because you are right 95% of life would be the same and I think it is being more in touch with friends and family that I would like, which had been trickier due to size of our old place and due to the stress of moving which took nearly a year.

I think the telling things is that I hadn't really thought about it again until I saw pp had posted on here recently. I really don't want to live in my home town, it's nothing like the lifestyle we have here that makes me really happy on the daily. Yes there are still some sad feelings about living away from close family and friends but for my little unit this is the right decision for now and it helps to know it doesn't have to be forever if it no longer works for us in the future.