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Original poster

Stay close or move away?

22 replies

ohpoowhatnow · 13/03/2025 11:28

I have a really close family, all live nearby and help out with kids etc.

Yet I still have itchy feet .... we're about to upsize and have the freedom of moving further away to a more rural setting (Scotland) where we could afford a much bigger house with land for animals - horses/ chickens etc.

Or do we stay close to family in a suburb of a big city.

I should add we have young kids.

What would you choose and why ?

OP posts:

FunPinkSwan · 13/03/2025 11:51

I’m moving away … solo with young child , three hours away from everyone but for that better quality of life whilst me and my son can appreciate it together

I can’t tell you yet if it’s going to be the best decision but I have to jump to try…

a better quality of life is more important to both of us ..so I’m in favour for moving. If you have a partner with you, I think I would be even more inclined to do so..

OtiMama · 13/03/2025 11:57

Depends how much you value the help. For me that support from my family is so valuable that I would take that over having a nicer house etc...could you move when the children are a bit older if you are needing the support now?

Would your family still help at all if you move?

Original poster

ohpoowhatnow · 13/03/2025 11:58

@FunPinkSwan we would also be about 3 hours away... very brave of you to do. Especially on your own. But yes quality of life is very important to us too... especially in the way of being able to be outside more in a safer place.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohpoowhatnow · 13/03/2025 11:59

@OtiMama I do absolutely appreciate the help however I don't neeeeed it if that makes sense. Family would be happy to visit too and probably for longer periods of time.

OP posts:

Merrow · 13/03/2025 12:47

I love living near family. I really appreciate that I see them often for small amounts of time! I love that the cousins come round and play in the garden after school if the weather is good, I love that I can have someone pick up DS1 if something happens that means I'm going to be late as they'll be at the school anyway. It's great that I can drop in on my parents and if the DC start acting up I can just leave because we can just see each other at a better time. When we lived far away and just visited it wasn't the same.

Having said that, I think we might be unusual in seeing each other quite so often, and my family are very easy.

julia08 · 13/03/2025 13:10

I think you'd risk feeling very isolated and missing your family. They would probably feel likewise, especially with the children still young. A 6-hour round trip is a huge commitment and you're likely to see them less than once a month. I'd personally stay local to them or look for a middle ground.

Original poster

ohpoowhatnow · 13/03/2025 15:07

I think you both have a point, I love seeing the kids play together now and I don't think I'd realise how isolated Id feel until it was too late and I'd made the move. Hard to know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:

Whataretalkingabout · 13/03/2025 16:23

Go and stay for a week or two in your desired town or village and see how it feels. The grass is always greener and all that. But I have lived abroad for 40 years....

Original poster

ohpoowhatnow · 13/03/2025 18:34

@Whataretalkingabout that's a really good idea. How did you find moving away?

OP posts:

Whataretalkingabout · 13/03/2025 19:51

@ohpoowhatnow, many mixed feelings of course, but noone can tell you what to do. There is no right or wrong, good or bad choice. And of course few decisions are permanent or irreversible. All I can say though is think over how much you will miss having your family close by.

Best of luck!

TizerorFizz · 13/03/2025 22:13

@ohpoowhatnow Is a house the sole measure of quality of life? You are swapping house and land for family. You are asking for family to have days available to see you, not a few minutes. Plus the expense. They won't do it as much as you think. I used to do probably twice a year regarding seeing my family 3 hours away. You lose meaningful contact. I would try and find a compromise.

Original poster

ohpoowhatnow · 14/03/2025 08:22

@TizerorFizzyou’re right it’s a big ask for family to come all the way. I wonder if being able to give the kids access to a better quality of life in the way of having animals to care for, land to play on and grow vegetables etc - in a much safer part of the world is worth it ? But I don’t know I’m completely torn. A compromise is a sensible option.

OP posts:

Diningtableornot · 14/03/2025 08:27

If your work permits, I’d suggest doing a house or pet sit in your chosen town for a few weeks and see how it feels.

TizerorFizz · 14/03/2025 08:38

@ohpoowhatnow All of that is great but if they are used to family being close they will give up that aspect of their childhood. You could always get a dog and stay more handy. We have 12 acres and my dc didn’t feel very attached to it. They moved to London asap. They enjoy the space and our surroundings but they weren’t near what they wanted. Dc don’t always share your ideals!

CatsWhiskerz · 14/03/2025 09:00

We'll be doing this once our children have left school and I've hopefully retired by then, I can't wait!
We've never had family help, always paid for afterschool or breakfast clubs if and when needed, nights out we got babysitters or just went with the children, we had 14 years together before kids came so had plenty of alone time already and still enjoy home date nights where the kids are in bed or just doing their own thing (bit older)
Good luck!

Cynic17 · 14/03/2025 09:21

Move away, definitely. But I would also find it suffocating to live close to family.

RidingMyBike · 14/03/2025 10:52

An observation from someone without any family support: the families I know who do have good family support nearby don't really realise how much they depend on it because a lot of it is small interactions that make their life easier.

It's not the regular childcare aspect, it's the having someone to do a school pickup because you've got to get to the dentist/hospital. It's having someone to pop groceries round when you're all down with D&V. It's being able to have your parent drop in briefly for a cup of tea without it interrupting everything else at the weekend. As parents age it's a lot easier to have more, short interactions with grandparents, than see them a few times a year and it's then overnight visits. It's very very different having to organise family visits at a distance, having them to stay - it's very intense.

Could you get an allotment near where you currently live?

BarneyRonson · 14/03/2025 10:57

For me, my children having extended family has been everything. They feel the security of a network of family that care for them, it’s invaluable.

EmeraldDreams73 · 14/03/2025 11:14

Haven't RTFT, but for what it's worth:

We moved to Devon (2.5 hours away from family) with one toddler 20 years ago. We had an absolute dream house, dd1 and later dd2 had a fab childhood and I never felt a moment's regret about the move. Loved it, made good friends, settled well, made an effort to go back to see everyone plenty. My parents were able to come down a few times a year as well.

I still don't regret it, I still feel their childhood was awesome here.

BUT. I do now feel guilty nonetheless. We were 25 mins minimum drive from everyone when we lived up there, so we all had separate lives in terms of day to day schools/communities, but we were all within popping in/day trip distance. Now, dd20 is at uni, dd16 is at 6th form, I'm (still) flat out working FT, now divorced, remarried, etc etc. Life moves on and everyone's needs change.

I still make huge efforts to visit my parents every 6 weeks minimum but they've seen FAR less of the kids than they would if we hadn't moved, and they are now old and frail themselves.

The kids when little were easy to load in the car and take to family for weekends/part of school hols. Once they had their own lives, much as they still enjoy seeing family it became way more difficult. Not to mention the cost of fuel, having to be away for a couple of days as a rule to spend enough time with people, animal sitting etc. For a long time I tended to visit with the kids and ex h tended to stay home, working and looking after animals.

Fast forward: my dad is now disabled following a stroke and cancer over the past few years and my mum is struggling to care for him. They couldn't cope with moving now, and in any case my only sibling is 2.5 hours in the other direction so they'd feel they were abandoning one of us whichever way they moved. They also have good friends and extended family in their area, and thankfully enough money to pay for gardening and cleaning help.

These days I feel constantly torn about being unable to just pop by and help with minor things. When we decided to move, I didn't think beyond having youngish kids and it being easy enough to nip back in a couple of hours if we were needed. It's hard, but I don't think in all honesty I'd change the decision we made. I do believe it's been best for the kids.

Just some stuff to bear in mind for when a few years have passed. Best of luck whatever you decide.

EmeraldDreams73 · 14/03/2025 11:17

PS my parents looked after dd1 as a tot one day a week but we were self employed so had more flexibility. Childcare wasn't a factor but certainly over the years I've felt the absence of family help quite keenly.

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/03/2025 11:20

How old are your DC?

You need to factor in stuff like after school clubs, sports and visiting their friends. You could spend the next 10 years being their taxi service if public transport is dire.

ChewbaccaAteMyHamster · 14/03/2025 11:32

I did this when my kids were little (5 and 2) We moved to Wales from England, 2 hours away from family, friends and our support network. We knew the area we were moving too really well which helped us make the decision. Our DC are both grown up now and have left home but we never once regretted the move. We were able to live semi rurally in an amazing town with a great school, bus links, facilities, train station and the beach only 20 mins away. We had a bigger house than we had back home, more space and real quality of life. Our children grew up outside, discovering waterfalls, forests, riding their bikes and playing on the beach. We also felt safe and felt that our children were safe.

Moving from family was difficult to begin with. I had a big family and we were all close but Facetime is brilliant plus me and the DC's would go home every school holidays to see both sets of grandparents and would love those visits. We have very very happy memories of our times heading home and it gave the kids, and my parents, something to look forward to. They also loved to come and visit us often, as did our friends.

We made new friends, and so did the children, and found a new support network.

The only slight problem we had was that once the kids became teens (15 onwards) they were bored here and craved somewhere with 'more life' so had to travel a little to find entertainment. One now lives in a large town and the other a city. So do bear this in mind a little if this is going to be a long term move for you.

I will also add that we were lucky in that we both had remote jobs, even back when we first moved when working from home was not as popular as it is now and we went with the mindset of 'we will try it and if we don't enjoy it we can move back'. Both children were young enough to adjust to their new lives so we knew it was the right time to make that move.

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