Desperate for life change

[pollysue]

I am desperate to move on from a small town where I’ve lived for 20 years. We came here to raise our kids. I didn’t have family of my own (both parents gone) so we moved closer to my husband’s parents for family support. My husband grew up near by, didn’t think he could ever move back to his home town but once we had children he changed his view and now loves the place he grew up in. The thing is, I am hitting that stage in life now where my children are nearly grown up, (one still left to go to uni) and am desperate beyond desperate for a life change. I never anticipated staying here forever nor did I think my husband would. We bought a house 12 years ago that he is super attached to. His compromise is to go away for periods in the future (we work for ourselves) but he doesn’t want to sell, his attachment to here is strong. I have grown depressed as I can’t see a way out. I love him, he means the world to me, but I never thought I’d be facing these kind of impasse decisions in my marriage. Sometimes, I think is it me, am I having a midlife crises? Will I ever be settled? But then, I don’t think it’s unreasonable after 20 years to seek change. I would like to try living in the north for a few years as that’s where my family came from. I am feeling a pull towards a different way of life and definitely more culture as where we live is so small and not enough opportunities sadly. It is a big decision to make, because his parents are elderly now, and I feel completely selfish for having dreams of my own, as if I’m letting them down and need to be there for them. Has anyone been in this dilemma and come out the other side? Has anyone gone for that life change and regretted it? I can’t stop feeling bad and yet it is taking me away from living with what I have, my worse fear is losing my dh over wanting different futures. Is is normal to want a life change and does the compromise offered sound reasonable? (Part of me thinks he is right, because we could move, sell up and regret if it didn’t work out).

Your desire is perfectly valid and change can bring a lot of good , however instead of making an all or nothing decision, why not decide to travel a bit to open up your horizons? Plan one weekend a month , for example or two weeks in summer.
Buy or rent a caravan, do Airbnb, rent a studio somewhere....do a course in a different town.... Go away by yourself if that's what you feel. What are your dh's interests? Can you combine them with yours?
You need to think about what you are especially interested in and where does that happen before making any important or costly decisions.

Dream big!

Hi I am in a similar boat in some ways, want change but can’t move due to my DP wanting to be there for his parents who are in their early seventies and both live alone. His sister lives abroad so the onus is on him. They may live for decades so I’ve accepted we’re staying (and I don’t want to wish them a swift death, I like them).

instead I’ve focussed on expanding my brain by learning new things - art, photography, design, horticulture etc distant learning and with local groups. It’s stopped me feeling like I need a change as it’s changing the way I see the world, and I’m combining it with trips back to my homeland.

I understand your feelings as I would never move back to my hometown which is devoid of culture and seems really depressing if I visit it. However, perhaps now isn't the right time for you to be thinking about moving. You could still introduce new things to your life and there must be other cities or towns nearby to visit that might fulfil your need for more culture?

Lots of sympathy for your dilemma. One of the reasons we are relocating is because after 25 years in one place, we need a new adventure. Sometimes you just need to move forward and try new things, individually and as a couple. I couldn't imagine myself waking up in another 20 years time in the same house in the same location, going to the same places etc. I think it's important to create chapters in your life. You are nearing the end of one (kids leaving home) and you need to create something new for you both. That can take many courses but I think it's one you need to explore and bring your partner on that journey. However, it might be good to talk to them about it as a journey rather than starting with the destination, which can be off-putting when your partner hasn't had the benefit of the thought process in the middle.

Talking of chapters, you may want to split your post into paragraphs. I hate to comment on this kind of thing normally, but I did find it quite difficult to read such a long paragraph.

Thank you for such a thoughtful responses and fresh ideas. I like the ‘not making and all or nothing decision’. I think I have a tendency to feel that, when maybe that would not be right, it could all go pear shaped! I also have to come to terms with mid life being about compromises.

I don’t want it all on my terms. It’s just I feel I’ve lived too long in the same town and am hungry for wider horizons. The only thing is it comes with more complications when dh family have spent a life time here.

That is such a great way of seeing it. ‘Changing the way you see the world when you can’t change things’ ☺️ thank you, and yes definitely doing things to expand brain!

I think I’ve reached a stage where I feel stuck and in a bit of a dead here. The same tiny town, just two main streets. The nearest city a 50 minute ride, I try to go as often as I can but it’s not the same as being part of a city or starting a completely new life change which I think is the inner need. I would never wish my dh parents on either. They’ve been good to us, so this decision isn’t an easy one at all.

Thank you for your understanding..
I can’t envisage change atm so maybe as you say it isn’t the right time, and best not to dwell. I do cry sometimes at the thought of being trapped here forever. I wouldn’t have the financial capacity to go separate ways either, and I don’t want that. I love my dh very much, we have had a good marriage, but the future feels uncertain if we can’t ever move on. I think for now it’s just finding other outlets as you say.

Thanks so much gekko.. your post made me think. I am a real dreamer and my dh is a pragmatist. I could never put final destinations to him, because I know we’d never go anywhere if I did!

The difference between us in mid life, is that he’s very settled and loves the place we live in. He’s got more of a reason to love it, because his family are here. Where as I lost parents young and it’s left me with a sense of needing to live other life adventures and try other places. I’ve become quite depressed living in the same town for a long time.

Other couples don’t seem to share the same dilemma as us. They would be happy to sell and move together as a joint decision. I hate the fact that I even compare myself to other couples! I know that’s not fair on dh who is amazing in so many other ways.

Sorry for long initial paragraph. I hadn’t realised how much I’d typed. Must have been feeling desperate!!

I'm the equivalent of the pragmatist in your relationship and my partner is the dreamer 😀.

I'm very logical and analytical and need to be taken on the journey. My partner will come up with hundreds of ideas, most of which I will bat away as entirely impractical. I like spreadsheets and research and thrive on problem solving and projects.

However, I agree with you that life is for living and it's important to have adventures. I would start by trying to agree on that principle with your husband. If you can agree on that, then you can start to explore what that could look like and maybe you can get him excited about the possibilities. Maybe he just needs to see a role for himself in this journey, but if you are presenting a scary destination it can be easy to close down and not engage. I know I'd feel a bit boxed in by that and would want to go back to the start and map a path forward as a couple.

It's great that you bring different things to the table (something for which I'm thankful every day as I wouldn't want to live with another one of me 😂), but you need to be sensitive to each others needs and work in a way that complements the other's personality. That goes for your husband too, as he'll need to be open and not just shut your ideas down (I know I can be guilty of that in my own relationship).

Very true Gekko, it is a compromise of values I agree. I think I just need to be able to dream of a life and future beyond here. We’ve had many happy years, no regret, but I feel it’s time to start planning a new future with a lot more possibilities. Isn’t it funny how we are often attracted to the opposite of ourselves?!? I wouldn’t want to be married to me! 😄

Could you buy a holiday home in the north? Then you have freedom to spend weeks in a different place and your DH would be able to choose to join you or not. But still have a main base near his parents.

For now, work around it. Have adventures alone and with him. When DC left for uni I travelled alone to some countries I'd always wanted to visit, went on some creative and meditative retreats. I met up withbold school froends, revisiting my home town and also holidayed with DH. We also started going out more, booking gigs and theatre shows.

Meanwhile we've chatted a lot about where we want to live and moved from totally opposite ideals to a decision we're both really happy with. It's okay to take a bigbof time. I felt SO restless, just like you, but actually DC need the reassurance of their family home while they bridge the gap between uni and fully independent adulthood.

A nice dream, but financially we wouldn’t be able to afford it, unless we came into some big funds. Maybe a caravan at a push! 😊

That sounds reassuring in the sense that you worked it out. When you say you had opposite ideals, did you end up moving elsewhere or staying? Have to get my head round the fact it isn’t possible atm. Need to find other outlets. I think you are right about having to bridge the gap between uni. It’s not an instant transition. Your dc need you even beyond. It will be another few years before we can get our heads around new life plans so I’ve got no choice but to make the best of it.

What did you do creative course wise?

I feel similar to you OP. I yearn for city life yet my DH adores our rural idyll. Children nearly grown and I fantasise about a change. We have talked about it. The compromise at the moment is not to sell our house but maybe travel for long periods eg a month in a European city. This may be enough and it may not... but it will be a good start. How would your DH feel if you suggested similar?

So reassuring to find I’m not the only one who feels this! It’s so important to have dreams isn’t it? Beyond the same life chapter lived.

I do think about my desire to sell and move on, and in reality that may not be a good idea in the short term anyway…

Yes love your idea and plan! That way you get a taste and are doing things at a slower pace rather than ‘all or nothing’ as mentioned…

Do you think you would miss your rural idyl if you moved? I think sometimes it takes going to realising what you miss. We’ve had it good, but I feel as if I’ve done the same old place forever and an age that I’ve fallen into a habituation hole!! 😂 change is healthy however fleeting..

I think you need to be realistic about how much extra culture you'd get by relocating completely. If you stay where you are you can do weekends away in loads of different places and experience so many different things.

If you move somewhere permanently you will burn through thousands in estate agents, stamp duty and relocation costs. Will you really be out experiencing culture every night after that? Unless you are currently somewhere very desirable it's also usually expensive moving from town to city.

The dream can be very appealing, but the reality might be very different. Also will you want to be around for the elderly parents in law? Unless there are other relatives close by in a few years you might find yourself constantly travelling back to deal with the crises which come with age.

Yes, totally get what you are saying. Moving is expensive, and we would only be able to do it if we down sized and not in a position to do that at present. As you say reality is often very different.
Wouldn’t want to abandon in-laws, but change does make life interesting. Just need to get creative in the how.

Same situation. Only were in our 40s. Home town life is dead end & dreary and if we lost our jobs we’d never find another with a similar income.

it’s scary TBH! But then our DC are at secondary (not GCSEs yet!) and we feel like we’ve missed the opportunity to leave. 😭

Sorry to hear you are in a similar situation, does make me wonder how many people do hit mid years and feel the same way. You still have plenty of chances. I’m sure if a new job opportunity came along once the kids have finished school, a new window will open. If you both feel the same way even more so… !