To leave or not to leave London?

Applesandpears24 · 2024-12-03T11:48:25+00:00

I keep going back and forth on this and cannot make a decision. DH is from London and I am from the north. Long story short is that it’s a financial struggle to live here and life feels very hard because of it. Personally I am over London - I loved it when I came down as a young 20-something, but this is no longer the case. DH on the other hand feels happy here but is equally not adverse to moving. However, I keep on thinking how much better our quality of life could be if we were to move out of London and back to where I grew up. Our 10-year-old would be so upset to leave and I worry it would be a terrible idea to uproot her. The younger children would be okay with the move…What to do? Stay put and move out once the kids or older or roll the dice and see what a move brings? Help!

blackcatsarethebestcats · 03/12/2024 11:50

You haven’t mentioned anything about work and whether you have easily portable careers?

FelixtheAardvark · 03/12/2024 11:51

We moved out. In the long run, we don't regret it.

ForgettingMeNot · 03/12/2024 11:53

To move before senior school is a good idea if you are going to do it. Your ten year old will make new friends

TheRainItRaineth · 03/12/2024 12:11

We considered moving out of London when DD was primary school age. But honestly, I just couldn't do it. We are extremely glad we stayed now.

MisoSalmonForLunch · 03/12/2024 12:39

As above, the work point is huge.

But here’s something else. There’s two ideas in your post. One is moving out of London. The second is moving back “home.” Which one do you really want? If DH were to say “fine, let’s move to Somerset” how would you feel about that?

In other words, is this a practical “let’s move out of London for space/schools/CoL” desire, or is this an emotional desire to move back to where you grew up? Both are valid, but they’re very different conversations to have.

Original poster

Applesandpears24 · 03/12/2024 12:47

MisoSalmonForLunch · 03/12/2024 12:39

As above, the work point is huge.

But here’s something else. There’s two ideas in your post. One is moving out of London. The second is moving back “home.” Which one do you really want? If DH were to say “fine, let’s move to Somerset” how would you feel about that?

In other words, is this a practical “let’s move out of London for space/schools/CoL” desire, or is this an emotional desire to move back to where you grew up? Both are valid, but they’re very different conversations to have.

Edited

Fair point re. location. We thought about moving the the commuter belt, or going east to Essex, but it ultimately if we were to move it would have to be back to my hometown area. I don’t think I can face starting friendships from scratch all over again. And yes, I am homesick but equally money will go so much further there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Applesandpears24 · 03/12/2024 12:51

blackcatsarethebestcats · 03/12/2024 11:50

You haven’t mentioned anything about work and whether you have easily portable careers?

Footloose and fancy free as DH has recently become self employed. I work for NHS and am not worried about finding work elsewhere.

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Original poster

Applesandpears24 · 03/12/2024 12:53

FelixtheAardvark · 03/12/2024 11:51

We moved out. In the long run, we don't regret it.

Did you have children when you made the move? How old were they? Am so worried about uprooting my eldest.

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taxguru · 03/12/2024 12:56

Have you properly researched how your "home town" looks these days. Lots of places in the regions have massively deteriorated in the last couple of decades. Your OH may find that clients are harder to find outside the major cities, and you may find secondary schools are poor in some areas with limited alternative options, and of course, limited career choices for your children unless they're happy and able to move back to London after University. You need to guard against assuming your home town is the same as it was when you used to live there - it may look OK superficially from short visits back etc., but scratch under the surface and options may be limited for working and schools etc.

ViciousCurrentBun · 03/12/2024 13:01

Yep what area is a bit crucial here plus do you still have a network there? We are Southerners oop North but moved 30 years ago and before children. My DS though born here has a definite Southern/ Northern accent so there was some piss taking by other kids.

Plus what is his self employment, does he need local clients or if it a WFH clients anywhere in the world kind of a job.

BrunchBarBandit · 03/12/2024 13:08

We made that move 7 years ago and honestly it’s been the best decision we’ve made as a family. Our kids were 9 and 5 at the time and have blossomed.

We sold an ordinary 4 bed semi and bought a giant Victorian home with no mortgage which completely changed what we were looking for from our careers and enabled some changes there.

We still have friends and family in London and visit frequently and our oldest is keen to go to a London Uni but has loved the freedom and independence he has had as a teenager in the North.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 03/12/2024 13:08

I was going to go with staying (born in London, moved away as an adult, always feel a little sad about it). But if you are struggling with money, go, and do it as soon as possible. 10 is still quite adaptable. And your quality of life will be so much better. Someone I worked with went from a 2 bed flat to a 5 bed house when they moved up here.

Dmsandfloatydress · 03/12/2024 13:15

We moved. Swapped a poky two bed in a rough area of London for a large sized semi in an affluent market town. I was also able to stay at home with kids and not work for a few years even though my husband took a pay cut. Quality of life increased massively and now have loads of new mates, most who are also ex londoners. Do it!

YorkshireTeaCup · 03/12/2024 13:24

We are in a similar position - DH is from London, I am from Yorkshire. Our DC are younger (under 5) but I'm really missing my DP since they came along. My job is portable, DH would need to come into London once a week so it would be a huge commitment to move up north. We are considering a move to Hertfordshire as a middle ground. Close enough to London to commute, but easy access onto the A/M1 for me to get home more often (we are currently in SW London so it's 5hrs + of driving or a long slog across London to get to King's Cross and then onto the train). Ideally I want to move home but I worry that the DC will resent it when they are late teens / uni age and don't have a base in London for uni and early careers.

Itscoldouthere · 03/12/2024 13:30

If you are going to do it, do it sooner rather than later, we moved when my DC were older, 12 & 14, it’s much easier to fit into a new place with primary aged children.

Your oldest may be upset and take a while to settle but honestly they change so much in their teens and she will quickly make new friends.

We had a lovely house but I moved to a villiage and it wasn’t really my type of place. We stayed for 9 years but now live back in London and our young adults still live with us and are very happy being back in London at this stage of their life.

I had to sacrifice the big house but I’m much happier. I think if we’d moved to a town or a more interesting place we may not have moved back to London, but I’ll never move to a small place again.

Good luck with your decision.

TempsPerdu · 03/12/2024 15:14

We are born and bred Londoners but will be moving out next year. Our main drivers for moving are the typical ones of schools and wanting more space, but increasingly I am beginning to feel somewhat 'over' London. I think it's probably different if you're in one of the chichi,trendy areas, or the buzzy cultural centre, but accessing all that from our Zone 5 suburb now just feels like a massive effort (especially since the trains have been shit since the pandemic as the normal pre-pandemic service was never restored). It's actually now quicker to get in from the areas of Herts/Essex we've been looking at.

Our area also happens to take the honour of the most mortgaged place in the U.K. and it really shows - the people here seem frazzled and 'hard', there's little real sense of community, and I think the stresses of keeping everything going are increasingly manifesting in rude and selfish behaviour. Our area, like many, has already gone significantly downhill since (take your pick) austerity/Brexit/covid/the COL crisis...

While there are undoubtedly more opportunities for young people in London, we also feel that DD will have more freedom as a teen if we move (we're looking at a large market town, not a village). Friends with teens here don't really allow them much independence due to heavy traffic and increasing crime levels, and local schools operate community patrols and tell the kids to go straight home to avoid being targeted for muggings etc. When we recently visited the town we're looking lots of the secondary kids were hanging out in the town centre cafes with friends and it felt like quite a nice contrast.

I'd caveat this by saying that, as several pps have said, the specific area you're looking to move to is crucial. Since our families are still based in London we've decided to do the 'halfway house' thing of moving to Hertfordshire, so we can easily get back to visit and DD will still be within commuting distance should she want a London university or end up working there.

She's also currently only in Year 2, and we're planning the move earlier than we really need to to give her (and us) time to build new school friendships before she has to move on again for secondary. I think it gets harder after about Year 4 (I've taught a few new arrivals who never really settled in years 5 and 6) but still doable as long as it's before secondary.

Original poster

Applesandpears24 · 03/12/2024 17:36

taxguru · 03/12/2024 12:56

Have you properly researched how your "home town" looks these days. Lots of places in the regions have massively deteriorated in the last couple of decades. Your OH may find that clients are harder to find outside the major cities, and you may find secondary schools are poor in some areas with limited alternative options, and of course, limited career choices for your children unless they're happy and able to move back to London after University. You need to guard against assuming your home town is the same as it was when you used to live there - it may look OK superficially from short visits back etc., but scratch under the surface and options may be limited for working and schools etc.

Yes, we'd be moving to a smaller city to keep the kids happy during their teen years.

OP posts:

Original poster

Applesandpears24 · 03/12/2024 17:38

ViciousCurrentBun · 03/12/2024 13:01

Yep what area is a bit crucial here plus do you still have a network there? We are Southerners oop North but moved 30 years ago and before children. My DS though born here has a definite Southern/ Northern accent so there was some piss taking by other kids.

Plus what is his self employment, does he need local clients or if it a WFH clients anywhere in the world kind of a job.

He can work anywhere as he will be working from home and only require to make the odd trip to London.

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Original poster

Applesandpears24 · 03/12/2024 17:39

BrunchBarBandit · 03/12/2024 13:08

We made that move 7 years ago and honestly it’s been the best decision we’ve made as a family. Our kids were 9 and 5 at the time and have blossomed.

We sold an ordinary 4 bed semi and bought a giant Victorian home with no mortgage which completely changed what we were looking for from our careers and enabled some changes there.

We still have friends and family in London and visit frequently and our oldest is keen to go to a London Uni but has loved the freedom and independence he has had as a teenager in the North.

Edited

This is the dream. Am pleased to hear it worked out so well for you.

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Original poster

Applesandpears24 · 03/12/2024 17:42

Itscoldouthere · 03/12/2024 13:30

If you are going to do it, do it sooner rather than later, we moved when my DC were older, 12 & 14, it’s much easier to fit into a new place with primary aged children.

Your oldest may be upset and take a while to settle but honestly they change so much in their teens and she will quickly make new friends.

We had a lovely house but I moved to a villiage and it wasn’t really my type of place. We stayed for 9 years but now live back in London and our young adults still live with us and are very happy being back in London at this stage of their life.

I had to sacrifice the big house but I’m much happier. I think if we’d moved to a town or a more interesting place we may not have moved back to London, but I’ll never move to a small place again.

Good luck with your decision.

Thank you. We are hoping to move to a small city - I don't think my DH would be able to cope with a small town or village (lovely as they are).

OP posts:

Original poster

Applesandpears24 · 03/12/2024 17:50

TempsPerdu · 03/12/2024 15:14

We are born and bred Londoners but will be moving out next year. Our main drivers for moving are the typical ones of schools and wanting more space, but increasingly I am beginning to feel somewhat 'over' London. I think it's probably different if you're in one of the chichi,trendy areas, or the buzzy cultural centre, but accessing all that from our Zone 5 suburb now just feels like a massive effort (especially since the trains have been shit since the pandemic as the normal pre-pandemic service was never restored). It's actually now quicker to get in from the areas of Herts/Essex we've been looking at.

Our area also happens to take the honour of the most mortgaged place in the U.K. and it really shows - the people here seem frazzled and 'hard', there's little real sense of community, and I think the stresses of keeping everything going are increasingly manifesting in rude and selfish behaviour. Our area, like many, has already gone significantly downhill since (take your pick) austerity/Brexit/covid/the COL crisis...

While there are undoubtedly more opportunities for young people in London, we also feel that DD will have more freedom as a teen if we move (we're looking at a large market town, not a village). Friends with teens here don't really allow them much independence due to heavy traffic and increasing crime levels, and local schools operate community patrols and tell the kids to go straight home to avoid being targeted for muggings etc. When we recently visited the town we're looking lots of the secondary kids were hanging out in the town centre cafes with friends and it felt like quite a nice contrast.

I'd caveat this by saying that, as several pps have said, the specific area you're looking to move to is crucial. Since our families are still based in London we've decided to do the 'halfway house' thing of moving to Hertfordshire, so we can easily get back to visit and DD will still be within commuting distance should she want a London university or end up working there.

She's also currently only in Year 2, and we're planning the move earlier than we really need to to give her (and us) time to build new school friendships before she has to move on again for secondary. I think it gets harder after about Year 4 (I've taught a few new arrivals who never really settled in years 5 and 6) but still doable as long as it's before secondary.

Yes, I think a large part of the problem is we live in the outer suburbs and it just takes so long to get anywhere and see friends. I feel like I'd rather be in (not that we can afford it) or be out. Where we live feels very much like a halfway house except it's costing us a fortune for the luxury of being here. We definitely should have made the move sooner when it was the pandemic. Missed the boat there!

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TempsPerdu · 03/12/2024 20:37

Yes, I think a large part of the problem is we live in the outer suburbs and it just takes so long to get anywhere and see friends

We took DD to Wonderlab at the Science Museum the other weekend - took the best part of two hours to get home via overground/Tube! Trains into London only every 30 mins now at weekends from our local station, so getting into central London and (especially) home again takes military-style planning!

paranoiaofpufflings · 03/12/2024 21:38

"I keep on thinking how much better our quality of life could be if we were to move out of London"

This really depends on what quality of life means to you - it's different for everyone so you can't base your choice on someone else's experience.

For me, quality of life is better in London than elsewhere in the country because of my circumstances and place in life. If I listed the top five things that are critical to my quality of life, they are all better in London.
Why don't you and your husband make a list of the top five things you each consider to be most important to your quality of life, they might be different things for each of you, and then discuss together the realism of which location would give you a better result for your five things.

If you decide to move, consider also whether it's a done deal or whether you are prepared to move back if husband actually hates it, and how long you think is reasonable to give it before making that choice.

KhakiCat · 03/12/2024 21:48

I've moved back to London after 7.5 years out in a shire town. Lovely as it was, there's no place like London for us. We have immediately settled back into city life - mind you the reason we were able to move back is the recent dip in prices. Commuting in for work was wiping out any house savings, so it made sense financially, too, not just lifestyle.

Shamalamalammm · 03/12/2024 22:01

We left London last year for another city, DP’s hometown, with a toddler and a baby.

If money suddenly became no issue then, in all honesty, I would move back to central London. BUT, in the real world, the pros of moving have definitely outweighed the cons for us.