Relocation emotional turmoil

[OneDayIWillLearn]

We are in the process of a big relocation, and bought our new house two months ago, but we’re still living in our existing house until January (because of work, and work needed at the new house). We’re spending the October half term week in the new house though and my emotions are all over the place!

I don’t fundamentally doubt we’re doing the right thing moving and people we’ve met and things we’ve done in the new area have been really lovely BUT I’m suddenly feeling really sad about everything we’re leaving behind. Also disoriented not knowing my way around the local area and very aware we don’t have any of the babysitters/ cat feeders/ hobbies/ dog walks etc etc etc that we have built up over the years where we are. I’ve felt very excited at times this week but also sometimes just like the new girl at school and a bit ‘fish out of water’.

Is this normal for a relocation? I haven’t done a major relocation since uni times and we’re doing this one with two primary school aged children.

It’s a work driven move, but we discussed it’s wider implications at great length before deciding to do it and agreed we both felt the time was right to move away from an area we have been in for ages and has various annoyances and disadvantages. We really love our old house but it is small and terraced and has no parking, and the new house has lots of advantages, plus we love it. But I’m missing a house we have done everything to and as we haven’t moved our furniture yet (and have much more work to do) the new home still doesn’t feel like home.

Since we’ve bought the new house I’ve been so impatient for the move to actually happen and so fed up of things at our old town/ house so I was really looking forward to this half term being in the new place. Some of that has worked out but I guess it’s all just a lot more mixed than I thought and I’m feeling things I wasn’t expecting.

ah OP moving is really stressful. We too had to recently leave our home of almost two decades (not by choice). It’s hard.

Once you start doing things to your new home you’ll feel more connection

Can you get excited about the local area? Exploring new shops, parks, places on a Saturday? That’s the thing we’re enjoying a lot at the moment

@McCheck yes that side of things I’m excited about and we are going to do some more ‘fun’ things from today. And yes we definitely need to do more things to the house and get our own things here to make it feel more like home.

I hadn’t been prepared for suddenly feeling really emotional about memories from the old house, like the children as babies, lockdown, etc etc plus we bought the house thinking we’d be there much longer.

But as I said, I do think it’s the right decision , I’m just finding the transition hard it seems!

nice to know I’m not the only one anyway, and thanks so much for posting

yes to this, you’re not alone. I’m too feeling really emotional about memories from the old house, like the children as babies, lockdown

I have shut that part off a bit as I get upset thinking about the above. Endings are hard. But we have the memories in our hearts 💕

OP, it's entirely normal. I've done this 3 times (about to do the 4th one, hence the name) and although not all of them were as bad as I imagined, it's not easy. The lovely thing about it is that you end up having a set of friends wherever you've left and if lucky, you keep the core group of them. I have a friend coming to me today from many, many miles away for less than 24 hours and it's wonderful to be able to do that.

I have relocated many times and it is always an emotional rollercoaster. You are in a tricky stage right now- not fully left nor fully started, so it will be a bit tough. I always find the “last” of things hard going (even stupid small things like last time I will shop in this supermarket) but it gets much better when you start doing “firsts”.

For me the pattern tends to go:
excitment about move
oh my god - what have I done
i’m going to miss x,y&z
OK this isn’t too bad
whooo I have found a really cool cafe/shop/ group
arghh i can’t find x which I really liked in my old place
this is a disaster, we shouldn’t have moved
The kids have a play date after school and I met some new people - I’ll give it a bit longer

Then it eventually settles down and I can’t image being anywhere else. Until e do the whole thing again!

If you are prepared for the rollercoaster it is a lot easier, if you expect it to be only positive it can be tricky.

@OhBeAFineGuyKissMe this is very helpful, thank you!! Sounds like I’m on step 3 then - I do like to have a framework, in all seriousness it does help 😂

I am very sentimental at doing ‘last’ things and that has already started to get me e.g. last summer in our old town, last time they do x event at their old (well current) primary school. But yes I’m going to be a mess when it gets to last dog walk, last day at school, last supermarket etc

meanwhile the other part of me is sick of the sight of everything we do and see in our current area (which was part of the impetus to move) - I’m 41 and still going to pubs and cafes I went to aged 17 and it was feeling very Groundhog Day and making me feel older than I think I need to.

anyway, yes, bag of emotions here but very reassured to hear this is normal and there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

@FinallyMovingHouse good luck with your move! Yes I think this will be true, I have friends I will definitely stay in touch with (and my closest friends are a uni group who are already dispersed around the country and it makes no difference). Our new place is very doable for a night or a weekend from our current place too so I think I just need to get used to making that bit more effort.

I have moved areas around 8 times ( and house moves within those areas too- we rent so not quite the same)

Nowhere feels remotely like home when it's empty OP- and yes your feelings are totally normal- the only place I've never felt like home even after we moved stuff in was Bristol - and that's because 'for us ' it was a pain in the arse from the word go. Stuck it 16 months and moved up the road to Bath. Absolutely Everywhere else I've found my 'happy places' and 'useful reliable people and services' within 6 weeks of moving in -

@Crikeyalmighty thanks that’s encouraging. I guess some of the nerves are around a fear that the new place will never feel right (sounds like how Bristol was for you) but I think (hope!!) the chances are that it will work out via some ups and downs.

People who move to the area where I live often post on the local Facebook pages to find kindred spirits for dog walking art groups etc. One of the local craft breweries holds get to know you evenings too. Might be worth a try in your new area.

@OneDayIWillLearn

i am having a few tears for you. I'm incredibly sentimental (some just say mental 😂😂) & emotional.

however, I have learnt (over many years) that I am at my very worst before 'the thing' happens, once it's done I'm ok. I TRY to remember this!

so in your position I'd be crying mess right now at the 'thought' of all the lasts, but once moved I'd be fine and just getting on with life.

Are you maybe the same??

@AutumnLeaves24 😂 yes I am definitely like that too! When I am in a situation I tend to get on with it and be quite practical but ‘the thought’ casts a long shadow…

With hindsight, I think this overlap of the two houses has been quite tough on me emotionally- I thought it would help the transition (and we didn’t really have all that much choice in the matter anyway) but in reality I just think it is really hard trying to have your head and heart in two places at once. But it’s not actually that much longer now and then I think you are right, it will feel easier!

@OneDayIWillLearn

Yes, the overlap I'd find really hard too.

big hugs!! Just remember it'll be fine once it's done!! Do whatever you can to make it as short as possible. Could you have Christmas in the new house? A first, rather than a last??

We did a 200 mile relocation about three years ago with one primary aged child. It was horribly horribly stressful at the time, particularly as some Covid restrictions were still in place. We had to leave and not go back (too far to be practical) so left the house on a management contract with an estate agent and moved into rental, then bought the following year and did a renovation before moving in.

I've relocated many times but this was the first time with DH and child. So far more stuff in terms of possessions but also things like jobs and school place to sort out. This was the hardest move of them all.

Like someone said upthread, it'll go in phases. We were excited to be going, then overwhelmed with things to do. We'd outgrown our old house and remembered being frustrated with it during lockdown but also had such happy memories of living there. It didn't help that we were going into a less than ideal rental temporarily.

It was exciting exploring and finding new things to do and places to be. I am still sad about leaving some friends behind and a couple of activities which just aren't available in our new area. But those have been replaced with a wide range of new things. I sometimes get a bit of a pang looking at social media posts from friends and groups back in the old area. I've deliberately left many of the groups now as it wasn't helping.

Moving is always stressful and there will be days when you wonder if you did the wrong thing. But we've just been through a bit of a stressful time and it's been so much better in our new location with easy access to a hospital and our new friends helping out!

I also got very hung up on the "last" time doing things. So much so that I didn't do a few of them as I couldn't stand all the emotion.

But each last will have a first in your new location.