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Please help - serious housebuying cold feet.

27 replies

Flyingsatsuma · 21/08/2024 17:36

We accepted an offer on ours from buyers who were keen to move quickly. I had misgivings even then - we have no real pressure to move and could have just waited and sold at any time really - but the estate agent is a very pushy person and husband went along with her. We are wanting to move 200 miles away to be close to family. We arranged some hasty viewings and rushed over there - there is a real shortage of decent housing where we are going and we looked at some absolutely awful places until we came across the one we are in the process of buying. I honestly at the time thought it was lovely and we could move in without having to do much work at all apart from paint the interior and exterior, bit of planting in the garden, remove some hard landscaping, replace bedroom carpets(don’t like the colour) etc. We liked the location. My husband was really keen.

Once back home we discussed what to offer and I started to feel we should think about it more. It was far more than we ideally wanted to spend and was priced at over 50k more than we were getting for ours. So we are having to dig deeply into our retirement savings (husband is retired and getting pension, I will be giving up my job here but won’t get state pension for ages.) Settled for 30k under asking but with the tax, we will have to add in 36k of savings, on top of moving costs. And I think we are paying more than what it’s really worth. The sellers bought it 4 years ago, and have done nothing to add any value but wanted 90k more than they paid.

Also it is too big for us. It is 5 beds and a loft room. All the rooms downstairs are bigger than we already have in our 4 bed. I have no idea why we thought upsizing was a good idea at this stage in life. Just for us two. The garden is far too small (pretty common in this area though). And it has no cavity wall fill - this won’t be doable, I have researched - so the heating bills are going to be shocking. It is north, coastal and quite exposed. Our council tax will double.

I have tried a couple of times to back away from this deal, but DH just gets hurt and angry. He has said I am being irrational and it’s down to my mental health. It’s not. I just don’t want that house. I get that I am letting everyone down. I just want to run away from it all in shame.

We had a second viewing yesterday and I just felt numb as I walked around. The owner has moved stuff out as he is going abroad, and I realised how run down it all was. Walls I thought were painted were wallpapered everywhere. Flooring all needs replacing. I thought I could rearrange the kitchen as the layout is dreadful, but realised I actually can’t, and I can’t live with the cupboards anyway. So it needs a kitchen, which I didn’t think I would have to do. Bathrooms are on the verge of needing to be replaced. The garden was like a wind tunnel and I realised I just hated it - full of worn out paving slabs. I don’t like any of the bedrooms - there are too many and they are all too small. The only thing I could find to like was the dining room strangely.

i am so miserable and anxious and feel like a rat in a trap, I am selling my lovely house and buying something that is just so wrong, and it is costing us so much more and then instead of getting out and enjoying life exploring a new area, I will be scraping dingy wallpaper off walls, and forking out god knows how much for a kitchen and internal wall insulation etc. This wasn’t the plan sadly.And I darent tell him because he won’t try to understand. And I want him to be happy but it is just such a huge sacrifice. There is another possibility of a different property but he likes that less… I would happily carry on with our sale and put our stuff in storage and move into a caravan rather than continue with this purchase. I don’t want to let our buyers down. We have our survey taking place tomorrow and hope that offers an exit strategy,

Sorry for that incredibly long outpouring of self pity, but I needed to tell someone!
I feel like I’m going insane!

OP posts:
FinallyMovingHouse · 21/08/2024 17:39

You absolutely must be honest with him. Your DH is not being fair putting this much pressure on you to like a house you don't want to buy and also to leave a house you don't want to sell.

Flyingsatsuma · 21/08/2024 17:46

FinallyMovingHouse · 21/08/2024 17:39

You absolutely must be honest with him. Your DH is not being fair putting this much pressure on you to like a house you don't want to buy and also to leave a house you don't want to sell.

Sorry, I probably wasnt clear. I do want to sell, I have just been rushed and didn’t have time to think things through because of pressure from buyers and estate agent. I just don’t want this house though!

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/08/2024 17:53

Can you sell anyway and rent until you find what you want?

Nanana1 · 21/08/2024 17:57

We accepted an offer on ours from buyers who were keen to move quickly. I had misgivings even then - we have no real pressure to move and could have just waited and sold at any time really

Do you actually want to move?

Whataretalkingabout · 21/08/2024 18:30

Your dh is being incredibly unfair and unreasonable. Buying a house is a joint venture. It requires teamwork and both of you to be on board for it to work. Tell him you are ready to call everything off if he refuses to consider your point of view. Don't let anyone bully you into selling before you are ready and certainly do not buy a house for all the wrong reasons.

Stand up for yourself OP. Your feelings and opinion matter too.

LindaDawn · 21/08/2024 18:48

Whataretalkingabout · 21/08/2024 18:30

Your dh is being incredibly unfair and unreasonable. Buying a house is a joint venture. It requires teamwork and both of you to be on board for it to work. Tell him you are ready to call everything off if he refuses to consider your point of view. Don't let anyone bully you into selling before you are ready and certainly do not buy a house for all the wrong reasons.

Stand up for yourself OP. Your feelings and opinion matter too.

Agree with this post. Please talk to your husband. There is no need to rush into this house purchase. Hoping your husband is able to understand how you feel. Sending you a big hug.

Wherestheoffswitch · 21/08/2024 18:49

If you definitely want to sell, can you sell and then rent? We sold ours last October and went into rented as we moved to a new area and wanted to make sure it was the right choice. We are now a couple of weeks off getting the keys to our new house and are so glad we rented first as we've managed to find an even better house than we could ever have imagined and got a great deal as we were chain free. Don't get me wrong, finding a rental property wasn't the easiest and we had to make compromises on the size and put some stuff in storage but genuinely have no regrets.

Grmumpy · 21/08/2024 19:16

How far down the buying process are you. If only just started I would absolutely cancel selling and buying.

AllTheEights888 · 21/08/2024 20:26

I have tried a couple of times to back away from this deal, but DH just gets hurt and angry. He has said I am being irrational and it’s down to my mental health.

This sentence jumped out at me. What am awful thing to say; he's belittling you and manipulating you into doing what he wants. That's nasty!
As others have said, buying a house HAS to be a joint decision. Please stand up to him @Flyingsatsuma And don't get sucked alojg with his ridiculous plan just because he's a manipulator!

GreenClock · 21/08/2024 20:27

This house is wrong for you.

I agree with the “don’t be bullied” messages but if you’ve got a solid buyer and you definitely definitely definitely want to move, I’d suggest going into rental especially if no kids /dogs to worry about.

wippandzipp · 21/08/2024 20:30

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/08/2024 17:53

Can you sell anyway and rent until you find what you want?

I agree, find a rental and live in new location for a year, until you find something you BOTH want to buy.

RandomMess · 21/08/2024 20:31

It will cost more to move in and then sell rather than just rent.

Gameofmoans81 · 21/08/2024 20:36

Definitely, definitely don’t buy that house. You’ll regret it for years. Sell yours and rent for a bit to have the time and head space to find something that’s really suitable. He can’t make you buy it! And so what if it is your mental health?? He should be trying to look after you in that case. Push the case of the extra money and the completely unnecessary extra rooms. What’s his comeback for that?

Staunchlystarling · 21/08/2024 20:36

It sounds to me like you don’t want to move so are looking for reasons to reject this.

Shouldbedoing · 21/08/2024 20:43

It sounds to me like she's being railroaded.
And this purchase is too big and important for that to happen.

Twiglets1 · 21/08/2024 20:46

Oh dear I can certainly understand your misgivings about this house. Why on earth does your husband want a 5 bed house when he is retired and you are giving up your job? I can understand wanting a couple of spare bedrooms but not that many. Most people would be downsizing if anything at this stage.

The house doesn’t seem right for you. I think you will have to be blunt with your husband that you really don’t like it & don’t want to proceed.

OneDayIWillLearn · 21/08/2024 21:16

I feel for you, we’re doing a big move (150+ miles away) and while I’ve been open minded about various projects and can see potential we’ve had to back out of 3 due to cold feet basically. Two we hadn’t actually offered on (but had viewed three times and raised vendor expectations) and one we had offered on and been messed around quite a lot by the vendor by were finally at the point of having an offer accepted. All three times went from liking the places and being quite excited to just having a bad feeling about (too expensive, too big a project, didn’t love it enough). Luckily in my case we did both agree but it still felt bad changing the plan. But you just can’t buy a house you don’t want out of politeness!!! And if both your head and heart aren’t in it then definitely no go.

sugarbyebye · 21/08/2024 21:29

I had a similar battle with my DP recently. I couldn't sleep with the stress. In the end I convinced him and we pulled out, and I felt such immense relief. This isn't the house for you.

If you're definitely moving north, though, sell and rent. It will be much easier to find a place when the pressure is off. Buying and selling at the same time absolutely sucks.

LaPalmaLlama · 21/08/2024 21:36

Honestly, this sounds like more than pre-purchase nerves. Rationally, buying this house doesn't make sense for the reasons you outline- sounds like you really want a turnkey 3 bed with decent but not excessive living space and a decent sized garden, allowing you to release a bit of equity or at least make it a wash. Don't start investing savings now. Agree rent and then buy as a cash buyer with no chain.

BlueMongoose · 21/08/2024 22:51

5 beds when you're heading for retiring? Unless you both have major hobbies that need space, that doesn't sound like a great idea. And I say that as someone who upsized at the same point, but to a very different house- mostly on the ground floor, for a start, so we could retreat to that later if necessary, and with a biggish garden because that's our hobby. And with larger rooms/hallwayfor when one of us might get less mobile. All the other things- cavity walls, etc are all suggesting it's just not right for you. Is there enough ground floor space for if you need a bungalow, or is it on several floors? You don't want to buy a 3-storey barrack and then have to move again just when one of you gets less mobile- a bad time to have to move.

Be careful with internal insulation. It's not always suitable for older houses, and needs to be done right if it is.

Mischance · 21/08/2024 23:03

It is very hard when 2 sides of a couple have different views about something so fundamental. My OH was desperate to move to France and had found a home in Brittany. It became clear to me that I did not think this was wise for a whole raft of reasons and in the end I had to say to him that I could not go through with it. I do not think he ever really forgave me - but it was the right decision - I knew he was thinking that this move would solve all his problems (basically depression) but I could see this was unrealistic. As it happened the decision to stay was absolutely the right one as he became ill with Parkinsons and the presence of all out friends and family was invaluable during his last years. And the joy he had in his GC nearby was wonderful.

I think you must be straight with him - he is after all being straight with you! Maybe make a list of what you both hoped to gain from this move - there must have been sound reasons - and ask whether this particular house will achieve those goals for you. There is nothing to stop you going through with the sale and renting in the new area for a while so you can look around without haste or pressure and find somewhere that meets both your needs.

You do not need to upsize. Over the next decade or so you will both find it harder to cope with a large house or garden, let alone living in a house that needs so much doing to it. You need somewhere you can both be comfortable and enjoy life.

Ariela · 21/08/2024 23:51

Look at the energy costs for a bigger house with lesser insulation I assume (if in need of TLC). Can you afford to RUN the house. Ask to see energy bills.
Rates/water will also presumably be more.
I think worth dropping out just for the extra costs!

KievLoverTwo · 21/08/2024 23:56

>I have tried a couple of times to back away from this deal, but DH just gets hurt and angry. He has said I am being irrational and it’s down to my mental health.

The problem isn't your mental health, the problem is your relationship.

That is an extremely unhealthy attitude for your OH to take towards you.

Please do not make larger financial commitments with this man.

I've lived in a wind tunnel house (rental) for 2 years, and it's depressing AF. Whilst other people are out and about posting videos of their nice days in summer, I'm getting my maxi dress blown over my head putting the washing out with a 45-60 mph, 3 day long storm (ONCE, now I never use that line because I'm sick of fighting wind).

When other people get storms, they last 2 days. Ours meet up from one weekend to the next and last 9. Storms in July? Normal. August? Time to start thinking about whether I can justify putting the heating on or not.

It plays absolute havoc with heating systems too. I am only ever not too hot or too cold for about 20% of the year.

Don't do it.

TheNoodlesIncident · 22/08/2024 12:35

This house is too big, too expensive and needs too much doing to it that you just can't afford. It's really not the house for you. You need to keep looking. (I also think your DH is being unreasonable to you about it, that's not respectful.)

newleafontheplantjohn · 22/08/2024 12:51

@Flyingsatsuma I thought this could have been just nerves until you said it's 5 bedrooms for just the two of you.

5 small bedrooms, at that.

I don't think I would want to dish out a large part of my retirement fund for a load of small bedrooms that I neither want nor need.

I think putting your stuff in storage and renting somewhere small is a better idea.

What does your husband like about it so much? Does he have vision? Is he able to put it into practice? Or would you be the one having to do all the wallpaper scraping etc?