New house sadness

[EEvermore]

Hi Mumsnet,

Something has been weighing on my mind over the past few months, and so I’ve finally turned to here to let it out and get some advice.

My husband and I are 29 years old, and 6 months ago we moved in our first house together. I posted on here at the time about the issues with the house, but in a nutshell I made a huge mistake buying this house. The house itself is lovely, but it’s situated on a very busy road within Edinburgh which I did not fully realise the implications of when purchasing.

Shortly after purchasing the house I had doubts about it, but threw myself into renovating and decorating in the hopes that I would eventually fall in love with it. We spent a lot of money on the house, more than our budget due to financial aid of parents, and have spent over 10k doing up the house with a new bathroom, carpets, windows, etc. Now we are 6 months in, and my husband loves the house and its location. Myself however, I cannot get past the busy road outside. The sound and sight of traffic drives me crazy every single day, there is never peace and quiet in the house, and since it is a terraced house, parking is also difficult.

I am trying hard to come to terms with our purchase and accept we will need to stay here for awhile. However my main anxiety is now coming from thoughts of starting a family which is something we want to do very soon. However I just cannot imagine starting a family in this house with how loud and dangerous the road outside is. I grew up in the countryside and I dreamed about starting our family in a similar peaceful location, where kids could play outside and breathe the fresh air, and this is the complete opposite. Both my husband and I work in the city so purchasing a property also in the city seemed like the right option at the time.

I have no idea what to do. I feel completely stuck and lost and every single day I have this sadness weighing down on me when I think about the future. My husband and I have spoke about this many times, but he is insistent that he wants to stay in this house for at least 5-10 years before moving because he loves it so much. He thinks I should speak to someone professionally about my feelings towards the house as its a beautiful house and we've spent so much time, effort and money on it, however I don’t see how that will help as I know I’ll never feel different about the busy road.

I’m at a complete loss, I am constantly overwhelmed by how bad a decision buying this house was and now the impact that will have on our future.

I can’t imagine many people have been in the same situation, but if anyone has any advice I’d really appreciated it.

I think lots of people will have been in the same situation You can sell it when the market picks up enough to get your money back. When you start a family you will probably want a different house because you’ll want different things

I also live on a busy road. I love my house but if I could move it a street backwards I would.

I have to remember all the good things about where I live. I’m 2 mins from a wooded walk to town along the stream. I’m 2 mins from a great park and I’m 7 min walk from town. My children are all teens and can get to school/friends/buses on their own.

I think 6 months is still quite recent. I’d give it a little longer if you can. Any way you can use rooms differently, ie to get away from the road and perhaps a little quieter?

I don't know if this will be helpful at all but I didn't want to read and run as you seem so down! If you're anything like me, you'll find that once you have kids you will appreciate having everything on your doorstep and within walking distance. I love the idea of idyllic rural living but with kids it's actually a bit of a nightmare, constantly driving to get anywhere, no baby groups or playgrounds. It can be very isolating. Being able to pop out with the baby in the pram to any number of playgroups and being within walking distance of other mums is an absolute lifesaver. Being in the city you'll also have a number of good schools within walking distance, whereas in the country you have limited choice and can be difficult to do the school run. I hope that helps to ease your worries a little 🤍 Your house sounds beautiful and I hope you can come to enjoy it.

I think that moving house and imagining it to be ‘perfect’ can cause this type of feeling. I know I’ve definitely been through this when moving so you are not alone. If you are only 29 could you frame this as a kind of stop gap before you buy your family home—-so it doesn’t need to be perfect. Tbh honest at late 20s/early thirties, even with a young family I think the city is a much better place to be! Work out how long you need to live there to make it work financially and you may feel better with a plan. Enjoy life as much as you can whilst living there. You may end up in the countryside later on and miss the buzz of the city. I can relate to the mind set of being scared of making a mistake and getting kind of stuck on it. It’s your house for a while and if it doesn’t work out you can move somewhere else. It might help to frame it like that rather than a terrible mistake that you can never recover from. Even if it’s the wrong house…it’s just a house

May not be much consolation, but road noise and pollution will decrease massively over the next 5 years as we move to electric. It will always be busy, but maybe not as intrusive. If your work has an employee assistance scheme, use the free counselling service. I think you are grieving the difference between the your expectation of home ownership and its reality. Talking it out may help.

Hi @EEvermore ! I am in a similar situation in a way. The difference I have not moved in yet! The house is also beautiful, and on a busy road... Ours has very frequent trams passing by and stopping right in front of the house. I've been anxious about it since we bought the house, and so has my husband. We worry that we've compromised too much, that a quiet street should have been a priority, so I understand you well.

When you say it's noisy inside, do you mean with windows closed? Could you get acoustic double glazing? Add insulation where possible? Do you have bedrooms at the back, is the garden quiet?

Similar situation here. I moved into the house my husband already owned 10 yrs ago. We had three kids here. The house is in cul-de-sac but garden is backing onto 30mph fairly busy road. Noise didn't really bother me until lockdown as the traffic restarted. Since then I can think of nothing else, whilst in the garden. I love the location (5 min walk to village pub and waitrose, on bus route to town and train (5 min)). It would be my favourite house but the road.
With that in mind, it's quiet inside our house, so maybe decent double/acoustic glazing?

I’m sorry OP, I would struggle with that too.
Does your DH understand how much it is impacting on you? Would he agree to a shorter time frame to move, eg three years?
that might help you to tolerate the noise for now.
also, remember that you’ll take a while to conceive, then little one won’t be out and enjoying the outdoors for a couple of years after that. So your dream of having your children in the countryside can still happen.

I can relate. You need to try and shift your focus, it can be done, although you might need professional support to get there. Focus on finding the joys with where you live. The convenience, the access to culture and entertainment on your door step.Create a community
by getting to know neighbours and local shops and restaurants. £10k in terms of renovations isn't a huge amount, especially not with parental support. You will recoup that money in time.

I have been there, we bought our first flat in south east london 20 odd years ago. It was a dump. It was hideous. It was noisy and dirty and I cried every day. We wanted to sell but was stuck in negative equity. So I did what I advised in the opening of my post. I got to know people, I focussed on the positives. And in time we made our money back and then some. The advantage of your house in a central city location is that you will be able to sell it. Or rent it if you hate it. But give yourself 12 months to focus on the positives. Don't compare with country side. Make an active effort to focus on the positives. And being pregnant & having a baby in a central location is heaven. Cafes and baby groups on your doorstep! Hospitals nearby. 🫶🏻

You may not like this but...
You have a lovely house.
You gave enough space for you and your family.

I think you should stop moaning and count your blessings. I live in a house that requires work etc. It is far from perfect but it is comfy, spacious and far from horrible. Many people live in cramped, unhealthy and unsanitary conditions.

You don't have to stay there once you have children. It would be a perfect time to move to a safer, quieter road. And now the house has been renovated, it will probably sell more easily for more money.

Meantime, do you have double glazing to reduce traffic noise?

Can you plant a magnolia tree at the front? Apparently they love traffic fumes and thrive on busy roads so they might help the air smell a bit fresher when you open windows at the front. I'd also put sweet scented plants by the front door or train a sweet scented plant over the front of the house.

It will be OK. Give yourself a realistic time limit for example 5 years and it you don't like it then, put it on the market and pursue the countryside dream. As for the noise, believe it or not, you will get used to it, but for now get some of those loop earplugs for sleeping.

Is the house quiet inside? Have you done everything you can to have the inside quiet as possible. Remember babies don't go out on their own. Your child will be at least 7/8 before they will go anywhere on their own. I bet there are lovely parks nearby and cafe to hang out with your baby. And l presume they can visit grandma in the wilds.
You have a fantasy in your mind of a peaceful country setting but the reality is you need to live in a city for your job. Remember in a city you can walk everywhere. Walking becomes part of your life which is great for exercise and great for kids.
Are you sensitive to noise. My dh would hear a leaf fall and l wouldn't blink if a ten ton truck went past.
For the sake of your relationship, your own peace just accept the reality at this stage. Don't talk too much about moving. Settle your heart just for now.

Do you have any space at the front to plant hedging as a sound, and psychological, barrier from the road?

We all react differently to certain noises. I had bad neighbours and it's left me with anxiety so certain things can trigger me off so I wouldnt downplay traffic noise as it clearly upsets you

You could of gone rural but sometimes and even in my experience, you might fixate on another noise and then that could get to you too.

Id give it bit more time as its only been 6 months, get some bushy plants even a fence if possible? I'm guessing you've got double glazing? I sleep with a fan on for white noise it does help alot as my mind focuses on it.

But if it's making you really ill and the road is worrying you might be good to talk to your partner and tell him you can't stay there long term.

Some excellent advice on this thread on reframing the situation, however if it is still bothering you after a few months or longer I would just wait until the market picks up and sell. You can't stay in a house for 5-10 years if you are that unhappy - your happiness matters as much as your partner's and he should understand that. Try to just think of it as a temporary step and a learning experience rather than the place that is going to be your 'family home'.

I think people fall into two camps on this type of thing - there are people who can be more swayed by practicalities and tolerate the things they don't like and others who are more swayed by emotions/feelings and just won't feel ok about a place no matter how much they try and reframe it. There's nothing wrong with being the latter, people are just different. Time will tell if it is something you can get used to or not. I hope it works out for you

This was particularly reassuring and calming to read. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts.

Thank you. It is actually helpful to think of this house as a stop gap before hopefully purchasing a bigger family home in a few years… and I can try to enjoy the benefits of city life as it is a good location despite the busy road.

I’m so sorry to hear you are anxious too.

What’s crazy to me is that a quiet street WAS on our priority list, but when I saw this house I liked it so much (and so did my hard-to-please husband) that I only saw it through rose tinted glasses and totally neglected the reality of the busy road.

We have decent double glazing but the sound of cars passing is still noticeable, especially when it’s been raining and the road it wet which happens a lot in Scotland! I’ve looked at new window options but the reality is I’ll never accept the busy road, so it’s not worth the thousands it would cost.

There is one bedroom at the back (currently being used as an office) which we hope to use as a nursery in time. The garden is fairly quiet, you can still hear sirens etc though.

My husband knows how unhappy I am in this house, but he says I get anxious about everything (which is true) and thinks this is another anxious phase which will pass. He thinks I should go speak to someone professionally about my concerns because he doesn’t understand why I am so upset at buying this house when it is incredibly lovely inside and we’ve spent so much money on it.

It’s true that children won’t be outside for a while, which still gives the us some time.

You will get used to the noise to the point where you won't even hear it anymore I grew up with train tracks right behind my house and they keep visitors away but i genuinely could tell you when a train passes I don't hear them . You will need to stop fixating on it though .

I want to say a really big thank you to everyone on this post, I didn’t expect so many messages. I've replied to a few comments but I’ve read them all (a few times!) and honestly every single one has been so incredibly helpful. Thank you.

Talking to someone might be worth a try. Finding good ways to manage anxiety will be really helpful for once you start trying for kids. I have been doing online therepy for nearly a year and honestly it has made a huge difference to my resilience. If you fancy trying online, Better help are good.

Oh OP I think it’s completely normal to feel a bit down about living somewhere new. I moved about 6 months ago and I still don’t love it but I know I will when we can do some work on it.

I used to live in a lovely house where you could hear the road noise from a very busy road. It’s not nice so I get it. I do think you need to give it time and make the house more of your home. How old are you? If you started trying for babies and immediately got pregnant that would still be 9-10 months and they wouldnt be running around until toddlers so that’s still 2-3 years so could you stay put that long? Maybe plan a lovely nursery for when that time comes and research baby groups in your area?

Also talk to your partner about how you want to plan it out and have some sort of agreement about when you want to move that’s not 10 years in the future as that can seem quite daunting.

You can get things to put on windows to reduce noise, plus heavy curtains. Also large hedges will help and maybe a nice water feature in the garden?