DH keeps flip flopping on house move and it’s exhausting

[Dimsimmum]

Just what the title says really. Our house is under offer and we’ve had our offer accepted on a new property. DH keeps on worrying and offloading to me to the point it’s become unbearable. He really is bad with any change and big life events. The last two house moves similar behaviour. He will come and find me everyday and ask me if it’s the right thing etc, will pick holes in it and show me houses 5 miles out from our desired location where you get more for your money (but are completely impractical for our lives/ school etc). I feel like I can’t carry him through this, neither should I. What would you do in this situation? He has viewed the house we are buying three times, once with a mutual friend and I didn’t go, friend said it had lots of potential DH was happy for about a week and it starts again. The infuriating thing is he hasn’t said no I definitely don’t want to move this house , more badgers me to reassure me by asking me questions everyday and off loading his stress to me 😩😩. It feels like he is making the whole experience even more stressful and I can’t see how we can now be happy this new house. Is this normal behaviour or should I just tell him we need to pull out of the sale as he is obviously not happy?

I’d not tell him to pull out if you don’t wish to, I’m not sure how that will help in the long term

just sit him down and tell him he’s going to have to shut the fuck up, your sick if it. He’s not a child and you’re not his mum.

Me? I would pull out of the purchase, continue with the sale and the live my life..

I think I’d just not engage in the conversations anymore and assume the purchase is going ahead.

Him: “I’m worried about about blah, blah”

You: “Oh dear” Carry on with whatever you were doing.

It sounds as though he needs to go and talk to his gp about treatment for anxiety if it is affecting him to this extent.

I would just keep responding that “there is no perfect house or perfect solution to anything in life” and carry on with your day.

Is he neurodiverse?

But anyway. I'd spend one last chat with him and spell it out to him that he is not to breathe another word about it. You're not his mother and he's not 6.

He might be neurodiverse. My DH who has ADHD is like this. Can't stop going over things. Dreadful at making and committing to decisions.

I would tell him he felt this way about the last 2 house purchases, he isn't reporting anything new so if he feels he needs to talk could he speak to his mum/his mate/the cat/the Samaritans, in fact anybody instead of you.

That is interesting about him being neurodiverse. I never thought of it like that but he definitely has some traits. I asked him to get therapy years ago for anxiety and he just ignores me. He works from home remotely and I don’t think that is helping his anxiety, he is so confident and outgoing if you met him so I don’t think he takes me seriously when I try and speak to him about his anxiety.

Can confirm.

Me and OH are the same. Both probably autistic (he defo is), possibly both have ADHD (he is diagnosed).

Tear ourselves to pieces about decisions.

Two things on this: anxiety can confuse people into thinking they are neurodiverse, there are a lot of cross traits.

And if you think a diagnosis will help, be mindful that labels can be unhelpful. I have been through two years of hell after his AHDH diagnosis - he then embodied it, and he used to be so much more capable before he had that label.

We are doing well now, but it was a tough two years.

Rather than going down the “do you have route” I would recommend asking him what is making him anxious about it, and trying to reassure/deal with each matter of concern - one at a time.

Unfortunately crippling self doubt and ADHD go hand in hand, so he might need reassurance that he is a very capable person who can deal with whatever issues the move throws at him, and remind him of times in the past when he coped well.