Considering downsizing

[BuffyTheVodkaDrinker]

Hiya, I'm currently in an unsuitable 2 bedroom house but am in band B medical priority to bid for a more suitable and accessible property as I cannot use the stairs, I'm trapped downstairs and haven't slept in my bedroom upstairs for months due to a very bad fall I had.

Anyway my son is at university, first year completed and he's returned home but makes so much mess, doesn't help out financially or physically (he works part time), I do absolutely everything and with him being home it's twice the load of cooking and cleaning which he sees me struggling to do due to disability, yet he does nothing to help.

I've always wanted to move outside of London from I was a young adult but had my son and a physically demanding career up until my car accident a few years ago that left me disabled. I'm getting nowhere apart from being between number 3-11 on properties I'm bidding for (which are other houses as no 2 bed bungalows or ground floor flats have been listed in the London area we live in). Well my housing association has listed quite a few bungalows outside of London in the city I want to move to but my son is refusing to move outside of London, I understand his friends are all here but quite frankly I'm fed up of him demanding and dictating to me yet never helps in the household. So I'm considering contacting my housing association on Tuesday to ask if possible, for me to downsize so I can bid on 1 bedroom properties instead with the assurance my son is also placed on their housing list (his own separate one) in order for him to be rehoused because I can't leave him homeless no matter what. Has anyone done this? Am I a terrible mother to do this?

My ex mother in law did many years ago but she gave up a 3 bedroom flat with the councils assurance her only son still living at home went onto their list, he eventually got a 1 bedroom flat. However she gave it up as she remarried and moved to live with her husband in his own house and not into another council property herself

Is your son on the tenancy?
if your son is an adult and not on the tenancy he has no rights …needs to make his own way in life ….can’t see any council being sympathetic to his wishes

Noone will be able to tell wether or not you are a terrible mother from the information you gave.

You should be asking: are your plans unfair to your son/might they have a negative impact on our relationship.

Talk to your son, he‘s an adult.

Some things to consider:

• he‘s a student, will he be able to afford his own place close enough to his friends?
• is he emotionally attached to this home(his childhood home?)
• what type of relationship with your son do you want for the future? Do you want him to feel that he or his kids will always have a home/safety net with you even though it inconveniences you or do you want to put your own comfort first, considering that you‘re already disabled and likely to profit from a good relationship with your adult child?

Why not include him in your decision? Let him be an adult by helping to find a solution for both of you?!

Your son as an able bodied university student would be very very very low priority for his own flat, he will be expected to go into a house share and earn enough to pay his rent and could be on the housing list for decades without making it to the top of the list.

Bet you have a great relationship with your kids?

Absolutely marvellous…all 3 of them , thanks 😊

Why would you include a lazy, uncaring, demanding
, entitled little shit in any decision ?

He‘s 18/19/20 and can still turn into a lovely, considerate and caring human being with OPs guidance.
At his age most young adults don’t understand their parents wish for a tidy and clean home. He has some growing up to do but that doesn’t make him a terrible person..

mine were no angels….but if I said clean up it’s a shit hole…they cleaned up….they knew the house rules…..and they respected that it was my home even as teenagers….and we are talking about a mother who is disabled here and yet the DC does fuck all to help out…..shame on him

It sounds cold to move to a one bed while your son is still at university. He’s still very dependent on you & Im guessing would feel betrayed at this act and it would damage your relationship.

My mum did this. She got a nice assisted living flat in Earlsfield and is absolutely thriving there. Once we went off to uni, we had to stand on our own two feet. Did us all the world of good to be independent. Not everyone has the luxury of a family home to return to, and I prefer to know my mum is in a safe place with people keeping an eye on her. The downside is none of us live near London as we all went away to uni, but that’s the price of independence, so she doesn’t see us that often.

you’ll need to consider that if you move. He might visit very infrequently.

I'd probably move to the area you're interested in but keep the extra bedroom if possible. Your son can choose to move with you or decide to stay in the area and sort his own housing there but at least he still has a roof if he needs it.

Hi everyone and thank you for your comments. I guess I was having a bit of a rant as it all got too much for me, but realistically I can't leave him on his own/put him out the house. He's currently away on holiday with his friends in Europe, so we have spoken daily but I won't discuss this again until he's back home as I don't want to ruin his holiday.

Before my disability whenever I'd go to my mums house I alway washed up the dishes etc, anything to make it a bit easier for her as she works really hard and my three older siblings who all still live at home don't help out/tidy up and especially don't wash the dishes. Only myself & my eldest sibling will do that when we visit mum's.

Unfortunately bungalows are like gold dust here so none to bid on, none even listed outside of London at the moment either but I did bid for a flat in our local area. I think being on only one floor will make all the difference.