House buying anxiety... Offer accepted but found more suitable house.. TW domestic abuse

[neumorphic]

My partner and I are buying a house, we don't currently live together and our current living situation is not great.. We both live with family in our late 30s.. and last year involved an incident of physical abuse from my family member who is a functional alcoholic. I have been living in fear and tip toeing around for over a year, feeling desperate to get somewhere as I've also never had my own place, always been in house shares, which I feel is influencing my decision making process. I've also suffered from GAD for years so every step of this process has been difficult for me.

We offered on a house and it was agreed right away as the seller is keen to sell, she is an older lady wanting to move to be closer to family. We weren't 100% on it but it was the only house we saw out of 20 that didn't have a big deal-breaking flaw, it is a bit on the small side which is its main drawback. We also don't see ourselves there forever as we want to start a family. So we would be going into the sale knowing we would have to re-sell in a few years. I should also mention the EA was slightly pushing us to make the offer, and kept saying the seller was about to accept a lower offer and wanted to sell ASAP etc which is when my anxiety got really bad as I thought we could lose it.

The day after our offer was accepted a far more suitable house came on the market, for the same price and not much further away. So we have decided to put an offer in on it... but now the fact we have done this and could be stringing this lady along/letting her down is really killing me and giving me feelings of dread and panic. I'm hardly eating or sleeping. I feel so guilty, but I also don't want to settle for something that could be stressful to sell in future. The EA from 1st house called today which took me off guard, asking for solicitor details etc. I had to act like everything was still fine and it's really unnerving. But I'm also afraid of losing the first house, and being back at square one and feeling like I'm stuck in a living situation that is also bad for my mental/physical health.

Just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and how long is ok to let the process go on before pulling out of a sale. I don't want to lead on the first seller for any longer than I have to but I know the other offer might not get accepted for a while if at all. It's currently been less than a week since the first offer was accepted.

Please be kind as I didn't go into any of this with bad intention. Thank you.

If the timeframe is as you describe, do what is right for you - it is not as if you are about to exchange

Thank you very much.

I've just been sent a memorandum of sale. Every piece of contact is now making me anxious. I expect the next few days to be really difficult.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first even if you have to disappoint other people. This is one of those times.

you are buying property, this is a business deal. Nothing more and nothing less. Only once you have the door keys in your hand does it become a home buying deal and emotions come into play. The seller and estate agent are after one thing - money. You are after one thing - the best deal for your money. You aren’t buying into someone else’s lifestyle or emotions or future.

Do what is right to get the best deal for your money and yourself, not the other party. Keep repeating “this is a business deal”.

Good luck!

Thanks you're so right. I find it hard not to get emotionally invested straight away, probably because my life circumstances have been difficult as of late.

I will make that my new mantra and get the businesswoman head on, thank you!

Be honest with the people you're dealing with would be my advice. Not always easy, but best in the long run.

One of our buyers pulled out a couple of months into the process, annoying but we got it back on the market and had another buyer within the week.

Obv I wouldn't spend any money on the first house until you know either way about the second house.

I would always go for the bigger space, especially if you want to start a family.

I used to be a legal secretary, not great, but it happened quite often in the early stages. We'd get EA Memorandum of Sale and hadn't heard from our Clients at all. A few days later, we'd get a phone call from Clients saying they'd found somewhere different and wanted to instruct us. Totally understand you don't feel great, but you have to do what's right for you, and better to do it now than in a month's time because you're not feeling right over purchase.

I work in an estate agent, and would say the sooner you pull out of the purchase from lady who wants to live closer to her family, the better. Whatever you do, do not buy a house just because you don’t want to upset the seller….its early days, and hopefully no one has spent any money out on solicitors etc.
It happens all the time, don’t be afraid no one will judge you. Call the selling agent first thing in the morning and buy the house you really want.

Has your offer been accepted on house2? As soon as it is you should withdraw from house 1. Or even withdraw sooner because it sounds like you have got cold feet about that house.

And you don’t need to feel too bad, it happens a lot. I expect you will feel better once you’ve done it and you could even send the EA an email if the idea of a phone call is worrying you.