Regretting buying my dream house

[bannoffeepies]

Hoping to get some advice/hear from others who have experienced similar. I recently moved to a new house and, while it's beautiful and I loved it when I viewed it previously, it doesn't feel like home and I wish I could go back in time and have never bought it.

It's not a huge house (medium size 4 bed) but it's far too big for just the two of us - the intention was to buy a long term home that will still be spacious enough for when we start a family but right now it feels like half the space is wasted and even if/once we have kids I'm not sure we'll even need this much space. It just feels cold and empty, and I really miss our old flat, which was small but it was cosy and warm and everything was just the way I wanted it.

I hate my new commute to work - it's more than double the length of my old commute and getting anywhere useful is just a ballache. I wish we had just bought a smaller place near where we used to live and then moved again when we actually needed to.

I know this is a very "my diamond shoes are too tight" problem and I feel really guilty because many people would love this house, but it doesn't change the way I feel. Anyone able to offer advice or commiserate with me?

It's totally normal.

When you move to a new house hating it is absolutely the default reaction. I've cried in both the last two houses I've bought the day I moved in.

It takes three months for your brain to create a new neural pathway. Right now when you're making a cup of tea, your brain needs to actively think - how to get to the kitchen, how to find a cup, where's the kettle, where did I put the cups, where's the fridge, the milk, the tea bags, a spoon. These are all active thoughts not automatic ones. So you're exhausted. And it's like that for every single thing you do.

In time it will become familiar and safe for you. In the meantime, pick out one room to make lovely and focus on that

Yes, we have a newish house and TBH it probably took a couple of years before it felt like a home. It's a question of personalising it. We worked through one room at a time and it's all come together. Almost every visitor makes a comment. All the reasons you bought it are still there, just a question of making it your dream home instead of someone elses.

Unused rooms can be precious little gems. I'd make a spare bedroom into a cosy library or get some gym equipment in there.

Honestly? We massively regretted buying our current house. We moved to a new area and it’s not worked out. Our feelings hadn’t changed after six months and we’re now selling after less than a year. We’re taking a bit of a financial hit with stamp duty, estate agents etc but it will be worth it.

For us the house and location were both wrong. For you it maybe sounds like you just need to get used to it and make it your own. Give it some time. And look up the cost of stamp duty - it’s not so crazy for you to have avoided an extra move.

Move. I’ve loved all of my houses when I’ve moved in as all have been a step up. That’s not to say there wasn’t another house I’d prefer but I’ve been happy initially with every house. And there have been a lot. I’m a house slut.

Well the good news is that you think it’s a nice house and you did love it. Harking back to your flat, part of the reason you miss it, is that you’d got it just how you wanted it, like the old owner had the house. A small, cosy flat to a 4 bed house is a big jump. It’ll take a bit of time. Focus on the rooms you go in all the time, living, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom and get them right. The other rooms can be shut off and get to them gradually.

How do you commute? Can you use the time to read or follow podcasts? If you drive break it up into segments with a landmark you look out for rather than processing it as one double sized journey in your head.

Give it some time, the clocks change in a couple of weeks if you’re UK and spring’s coming.

If you have 4 bedrooms, that's a hobby room each, a bedroom to share and a visitor's bedroom.

Buyer’s remorse is very common. You will soon fill the extra space you have and will start to love your home, you can’t change the commute though but it will soon become normal.

If you’ve moved flat > house you probably don’t even have enough furniture yet so no wonder it doesn’t feel like home. it’s a house to grow into, and you will, especially if you have kids. They take up as much room as you make available.

We have upsized twice, flat > house and then house > big house and it does take time. Both times we have moved in autumn and I think a house really shows you its personality through spring and summer.

Our first move, it took repainting and recarpeting the place to make it feel like home, our our stamp on it, and make it ours. Part of that is the changing appearance and part is just time.

when we bought the big house we moved from an immaculately finished extended house that we had done so much to. I cried. We moved to a deceased estate that hadn’t been touched since the 80s. We lived in a building site for a year, but it’s such a lovely house now. It is actually too big, we have a couple of rooms we don’t really use, but I would struggle to downsize at this point as it has room for everyone to have their own space.

Trust me...I moved into my 4 bedroom dream house 30 years ago. You will laugh in 30 years thinking you had too much room. Once you have kids you will collect clutter
Your space will be full soon.
Enjoy it

I saw someone who said similar to this on MN a while ago. Apparently it's very common to feel regret as it's such a big, at least semi-permanent purchase BUT the regret goes after some time and is replaced with happiness 😊

I had this when we moved from a small 3 bed to a 5 bed. I ended up focusing on one of the sitting rooms and made it super cosy, log burner, carpets, velvet curtains etc.
I bloody loved that room and once I felt like that I came to love the rest of the house too. We left it recently and are currently renting and I wish we were still there tbh, but we had our reasons for this new move.

Be glad you’ve done it now as moving with small children is a ball ache. I do houses up and move every 18 months to 2 years to try and reduce my mortgage. It’s an exhausting thing to do with small children and trying to beloved toys on removal day is a nightmare.

Totally normal, humans can have strong reactions to change, even good change.

Give it time

Give it some time. It might be the wrong decision you need to correct, you might settle in, it's too soon to tell really. I got cold feet when we moved into ours, it caused some quite problematic issues in terms of location, but we managed to resolve, and I absolutely love it here now, I hope we never have to move again! Try to remind yourself it's not permanent, you can move again if needed, to try and enable your mind to be open to settling in, if you keep telling yourself you hate it, you won't give it a chance. But it sounds like you have plenty of time to move again if you need to.

I remember when i bought my house. Its a humble 2 bed end terrace with a decent size lounge a separate very small second lounge and a kitchen with a separate small utility room. Being a end house i got off road parking and have a paved back yard with a big shed.
The people who sold it to me used the second lounge as a downstairs bedroom.

i dont drive but my partner has a works van.

Bought in 1998 for £29000. Nationwide said we could have up to £50000 at the time to buy a property but i was happier with a smaller mortgage.

A friend of mine bought a three bed detached on a new build estate a mile away for £150000 a lot of money back then.

They had to cut right back on nice things and told me it really wasnt worth it so they sold up for £20000 less than they paid and bought a end terrace cottage round the corner from me for £28000.

Just because you can have a bigger mortgage doesnt mean you should.

If i would have gone over £29000 i wouldnt have slept well.

New homes often feel really weird. Can you give it a year, and then reassess?

I live centrally in an apartment with two kids and we love it; nothing to stop you doing the same if you give your new house some time and still feel that it isn't for you.

We moved to a bigger house further from work a year ago and I tell people I'm still deciding if I like it.

I hated it at first. Too much to change which we can't yet because of small children taking up spare time and money.

I feel like it's starting to turn in recent months as we have been able to fix annoying things and add more personal touches.

A 4 bed house will definitely not feel too big once you have a couple of children, in fact you will be grateful for all the space.

I guess the problem is you upsized quicker than most people do. Personally I went up in small stages from flat to terraced house, to semi to detached so each place just felt a bit bigger in a good way. But the way I did it has cost us such a lot in fees over the years - you have done it in a sensible way from a financial point of view but it must take some adjusting to.

My advice is give it some time. Tell yourself you will stay there for at least a year and then reassess, if you are still unhappy then you could always sell and move back to the old area. Spend the time getting the house how you want it though, you will probably find once you have painted a few rooms or got them set up how you want them, gone through a few seasons in the house, it feels like home.