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Live separately or downsize to one

7 replies

myhouseyourhouse · 25/02/2024 17:31

This might sound like it should be in relationships but in my head this is a property question as I’m trying to weigh up the property positives & negatives in different scenarios.

DP and I together 4 years. We live 2 hours apart. He can do his job from anywhere whereas I am in the office 3 days per week and wfh 2 days. He has twins who are 9 who he has 50% of the time (they do week on, week off and split the holidays).

We’d like to move in together and the secondary benefit of this is the current cost of living, increased mortgage costs and utility bills. We’re running 2 houses but in the weeks he doesn’t have the DTs he lives at mine (and gives me money for heating and buys groceries etc).

We need to have a property close to DTs as he’s a committed Dad and would never consider moving away and not seeing them regularly, so the obvious thing is to sell my property and move in with him (or we buy a new place together in the same area).

Except…I love the area I live, my life and my friends are here and I need to be relatively close to work. I don’t have children and whilst his are lovely I am worried how that might change if I live there and as they get older.

This means we are at a stalemate and continue to keep 2 houses

What would other people do? Yes, in hindsight i should have considered this at the start of our relationship but tbh after finding some proper duffers on OLD I approached each new date with a “let’s see how it goes” and this one took off and before I knew it we are here!

What would others do? Keep 2 properties (think of the equity being built up etc), move into his and pay off one mortgage quicker (sell or rent mine) etc.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 25/02/2024 18:09

This is a tough one. If it is working for you at the moment I think I would just stick with the status quo for another year or two, see how it goes. People may be questioning why you don't move in together but ... if it works for you as it is then why rock the boat? It's not a good time to sell at the moment unless you are upsizing so that could be your logical "reason" to stay as you for now.

Ridiculous24 · 25/02/2024 18:11

Definitely keep 2 properties. Apart from costs, it is working. Don't give up your independence.

Twiglets1 · 25/02/2024 18:15

Bet it keeps the romance alive having your own space (said wistfully)

Ponderingwindow · 25/02/2024 18:20

You would be adding 4 hours to your workday if you moved. That is insane.

he can’t move. It’s good that he isn’t considering it as an option. He needs to stay with his children.

i would keep 2 homes.

Fireyflies · 25/02/2024 18:25

I can't see an easy answer that doesn't either stop him parenting or mean you need to change job and move away from your friends, so I'd stick as you are. If you're feeling really committed you could always chat about really long term plans for once his twins are left home and maybe he'll be freer then to move.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 25/02/2024 18:28

Keep two properties step parenting is not easy- the twins having their own space with dad and you and him having your own space and time sounds ideal.

In the future you could rent yours out and stay together but never sell yours and if you get married ring fence the property!

myhouseyourhouse · 25/02/2024 19:26

Thanks for all the replies, really good to get views on this.

Things are going well with 2 houses and I do value my independence. Good points about if we do marry to ring fence my property and I definitely think it keeps the relationship fresh (and I'm happy in my own company, gives me loads of time to see friends etc).

Both of our mortgage fixed rates end next spring so it seems a good point to assess if we should be thinking of a big change. I do feel a bit of pressure from friends and (mostly his) family about getting married / moving in together. And the thought of only one set of bills would be good too but I think the current pros outweigh this.

Would it be worth him downsizing his property (his suggestion, not mine). It's way bigger than it needs to be with a large garden which his kids never go in. He is thinking about buying a smaller property (kids would still have their own bedrooms and in the same area) but I'm not sure if the bills would be that much lower to make the selling / buying process worthwhile.

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