Struggling for months after moving

[user1480677551]

I’ve posted here before and i don’t really know why i’m posting again to be honest.

Please believe me I’m not looking for sympathy over a situation we’ve put ourselves in .. maybe just to write it down somewhere because i can’t keep talking to friends and family and dragging them down with my “problems” when i know full well how i sound, and i know full well how much i have and should be grateful for. But I’m struggling so much since we moved six months ago.

We have a house in one place and our lives somewhere else and it’s breaking us. Nothing is the same anymore and I wish so much we could just go back.

Everything about our move has turned out for the worse. I was so blind in house over location and I can’t get over the mistake I’ve made. We had all our savings, a maxed out mortgage offer and it’s all been for nothing. I can’t believe i’ve ever been so stupid.

Id hoped after six months we could put the house back up and go back home.

But now due to additional finance agreements we have basically no hope of porting our mortgage and going through the reapplication with a. good outcome.

I feel so stuck, so unhappy and so miserable and I just can’t see a way out of any of this to be honest. How will this ever get better. And whatever happens now this awful chapter has happened and I hate what it’s done to our DC when they didn’t ask for any of this. I’m trying some CBT but I don’t think anything will ever help until we’ve found a way out of this. The thought of this for even the next few weeks let along months or years makes me feel sick to the stomach.

As I say, not sure what i’m even hoping for by posting … just a brain dump i guess.

First of all... How much distance is there between your current house and everything else going on in your life? That might make a difference as to what advice posters offer. If it's a long way, then the best answer might be to try to create new interests and connections in the new area. If it's not that far, then it's perhaps less of a problem to maintain a life in both locations.

It sounds as though your thoughts are spiralling downwards, so the CBT should help with that - I hope you persevere with it.

Other than that, at some point you must have loved this house. You loved it so much that you prioritised it over other elements of your life. The house hasn't changed. Can you spend some time walking around the house and reminding yourself of what is good about it? If you can see the positives then your DC may start to feel more settled at home, as will you. Are there any simple improvements, like a painting project that you could plan to do that would make it feel more like home?

Is there anything about your life you could move to your new home? Eg children could move from football club A to football club B, or may embrace dropping an activity to try something new closer to home.
As pp says, something must have drawn you to this particular home - can you remember and capitalise on that going forward.
Finally, whilst you say you cannot move now (which happens) things do change and you will be able to move at a future date. Maybe start a plan of how to bring that date closer. I find being proactive can help me feel back in control of a situation where I just have to mark time until something changes. Plus, start a list of what you really do want for your next move. Revisit it regularly, as people (and children especially) grow, what your needs are now, will also change and you may find that your move was just a little early, but might actually meet your needs in a year or two. Iyswim.

Move to a cheaper house in the area where your lives are centred? Or even a flat, on a temporary basis until you get finances in order and get a long term property there?

@ClematisBlue49 thank you.

We are 10 miles away but it’s a motorway commute which I never anticipated would be such a trigger for me. I hate it.

Where we have moved too is basically a housing estate by the side of the motorway - there’s nothing here except a shop. I was so stupid to have just presumed there would be more on our doorstep and once we got out there would be places to go and explore.

We moved because we could get more house for less money than where we were which we have got. It’s just not worth the price emotionally and mentally and I can’t see a way out. I’ve been so stupid and can’t stomach even being here another day, but have to keep going on.

@user1480677551 , I think you may be suffering from quite severe anxiety, and this is preventing you from seeing a way out. It's very easy to get stuck when you are in this state, as it makes planning and problem-solving impossible. It might be worth speaking to your GP. Was the CBT arranged through the GP or privately? If the latter, I do think it's worth having a conversation to see whether some medication might help in the short term.

What do the rest of the family think? Do they hate the area as much as you? Are they desperate to move or willing to give it a go? If you are all really set on moving, would it be possible to sell up and rent in the old area for a while until your financial position improves?

@ClematisBlue49 you could be right. I’m stuck in a loop of guilt, blame, regret and remorse, should haves and could haves … although still that doesn’t change anything though. Thanks for taking time out to comment 😊

Is there anything stopping you from selling the house and renting in the area you prefer for a few years?

Sorry you're going through this. Try not to blame yourself though, we have to take risks in life and sadly sometimes they don't work out.

Have you spoken to a mortgage broker. How bad are the financial outcomes if you move? Can you compensate by getting something smaller or anything like that? If you're able to it might be worth a financial hit to be happier.

Is there another route besides the motorway?I find them demoralising especially in winter. Is there another route even if it takes slightly longer?

Sending hugs

If I might just say, possibly just a little thought to chew on?...there is a concept in economics called 'sunk cost'. Basically, if you're a business, what's done is done, and you have to decide what's going to work best financially from where you are now- e.g., you might have a computer system you've spent lots of money on but if the technology has moved on, you might still be better off financially by scrapping it while it's still working and buying something new. So you remove all past decisions and costs from the calculations and take decisions on the basis of the future, not the past.

When I get bogged down by past decisions, and beating myself up about them, which I think a lot of us do, I try to apply this to my life. It means stopping blaming myself for past decisions (which I made in good faith and doing my best at the time, which I'm sure you did) so that I can clear the decks of all the stuff that's dragging me down, and just looking at where I am and what practical options I have. I do find that it can help. It simplifies things such a lot.

And I often find it helps to work on small things, things that aren't challenging or stressful in themselves, one at a time. Like painting a room or stripping some woodwork if I have a bit more time (I know this may be stressful for some people but it isn't for me), or doing a little DIY job, or weeding or pruning or planting or digging in the garden if I only have half an hour or so (getting outside is good when light permits). But something where there is at least a little to show for it, however small. And then doing something else when you next feel able to. For me, those things do start to build up, both making me feel better about myself because I have 'done something' and because as I see the results, things look better all round. It helps me struggle upwards to the light if I'm in a bit of a 'dip' (In my case I have PTSD).

Whatever works for you, I hope you can find a way forward.

OP, I could have written your post, although it sounds we are in different circumstances, I know exactly how you feel.

I ADORED our private rental we were in for 9 years, just my children and I, it was perfect, and right next to the primary school, and a bus from the HS into the village, a big garden overlooking fields. The LL started repeatedly telling me she was selling at some arbitrary point in the future, the posts of which kept changing, so I left to move into a relatives home, which was then sold and we were homeless. I bought a house around 10 miles from our home village, purely through necessity... I hate this house, whilst I also recognise I was lucky to be able to buy. I couldn't afford our village.

I cry about our old house almost daily, how much easier our lives were, how my sons could just walk out the door and see their friends. I am full of guilt. My children miss it so much.

The only thing we can give it is time. I am trying to figure out a way I can find a more senior role which will afford higher salary and save as much as possible, which is very hard when so much needs done in this house, including a new roof...but make a plan and give it time.

My guilt isn't as severe as it was. It was absolutely debilitating previously. It just needs time.

I like the post by Bluemongoose.
Also, have you got a real figure of how much you would lose if you were to sell and move back to your preferred area ?
We all make financial mistakes, (some of us more than once lol) , the key is put a line under it and move forwards.
If you cant sell yet ... can you let your current property out and rent in your favourite area? Would this be a possibility? You could do this till your current financial agreement finishes and then sell your current property and buy in the area you like. Plenty of people rent whilst they own a house elsewhere.