Moving into a "lived in" house.

[dcal20]

Hiya everyone! I'm new here and just looking for some advice.

A few years ago my mum passed away, I've been living with friends of hers who unfortunately turned out to be not so nice people. One of their many antics was putting their stuff all over my house I grew up in... in a very hoarder-ish fashion. My boyfriend and I are finally moving out at the end of the week and I'm confused. I just wish my mum was here to help me.

The house we are moving into has been in his family for years... so it comes with everything in it. And I mean everything. I'm desperate for a fresh start, this feels like a proper "escape" from the people I've been living with and I've never been so excited to get away from them. I just wish it was empty, and easier to make our own. It feels wrong to get rid of furniture, because it's been there for so long. The kitchen cupboards are full, do I chuck it all out for a fresh start? Or is it a complete waste? His cousin has left it in a bit of a state. Guinea pig piss on the carpet, broken oven, broken washing machine, more hoarder-esc habits, and cat shit in several places which I think has been cleared up. But there's just so much to do and I'm so jealous of people who get a blank canvas. We're going to be there for the rest of our lives, if we wish, and there are 5 bedrooms, but we can only use 2 because his uncle wants to come back and visit every few months with his kids... So for like 3 visits a year, we're missing out so much space. If anyone can help me out, I'd be eternally grateful. Feel free to ask questions - it's hard to know where to start!

Hire a clearance company to remove everything. If it's your house you aren't required to keep rooms free for visits (unless stipulated in the will). You need to work on your boundaries or you are going to continue being walked over by everyone

@MissusKay It's not technically our house as we're renting it, and it's on a farm, so all his uncles sheep are still there, even if he's miles and miles away now! It feels a bit like we're "looking after it" even though no one else will take it.

We're kind of going through his uncle with it all - if that makes sense. We're also younger so feel a bit undermined!

This is all very odd indeed.

Who owns the house you grew up in? Did your mother own or rent it while she was alive?

On what terms are you going to be living in your boyfriend’s family property? Who is the landlord? Are you signing a contract?

A house contaminated with animal urine and faeces is not “in a bit of a state” it’s unsanitary and uninhabitable. Do pay a penny in rent until it has been professionally cleaned.

The situation I'm in is so massively complicated, I don't think it would fit on here!! Without knowing the full story everyone including me comes off looking like a bit of a tool, which none of us are, everyone means really well, it's just complicated to explain. I'm mainly just looking for help on where to even start with clearing and cleaning, and how to bring up the conversation with them about furniture, and them staying. I wrote a much better thread about 10 minutes before, but clicked off and it deleted so this is probably a really bad explanation compared to my first one!!

I guarantee a year or two from now you’re going to be writing a thread about how you are stuck in this awful house and you can’t leave because it’s complicated with family etc etc etc. Don’t do it.

Are you both farming as well? If not, it's probably better to cut ties and start a fresh. If you're renting why rent a biohazard?

Do you have any money to do the 'making it your own' bit? That will affect what advice may be helpful to you here - particularly about the wisdom (or otherwise) of throwing stuff out.

I'd look at it like renting any other furnished property - you don't have to use anything, but should keep it unless you have permission to dispose of it.

Is there a loft / dry outbuilding/ can you spare another bedroom? If so I'd box up anything you don't like & put it there.

Yu might find the furniture useful in the short term, better than sitting on the floor, but as you decorate / find your own style, you can store anything you don't like / need.

Ultimately though, do you really want to live there? It sounds like you want your own place as a fresh start, whereas this feels very obligation-heavy...

How much permission do you have to e.g. redecorate or change furniture in the bits if the house that aren't the 3 bedrooms.
And who is paying for e.g. replacing broken ovens, washing machines? If you are renting a furnished house, this is the landlords responsibility, but I suspect you will be paying??

I think I'd start by getting rid of all the broken stuff and rubbish, and give it a deep clean. That would include emptying all the kitchen cupboards, so you could get rid of bits that are out of date or you will never use at that point.

Then slowly deal with the rest of it as you live in the house and work out what you want to do. Butyou need clarity about permission to change stuff.

Will you have any contract? Are you paying rent?

Legally you can't dispose of the contents without permission.

I think you have to clarify expectations with the uncle.

I would think it would be much better to find your own place, but in the meantime you can start by making one room clean and tidy, then take it from there.

I think you'd be mad to invest your time, money and effort in sorting out his uncles house unless you have a watertight contract that makes it worthwhile.

I suspect that without a watertight contract, you'll spend two years clearing it out, cleaning it, fitting new carpets, making it a habitable home and then you'll find that the uncle/one of his kids/someone willing to pay a market rent will be in more need of it and you'll be out on your ear.

If it really is a prospect to live there forever, and you'd want to, then it absolutely has to be documented as such so that nobody has the right to throw you out on a whim.

If you're young, there's absolutely nothing wrong with taking the house for a few years and saving saving saving then buying your own place with no strings attached.

Surely, your deceased mums friends don’t own her house? Who owns it? If you and siblings, can you look to buy them out and toss mums friends out? If just you own it, then toss her friends out with their stuff and make that your own. There seem to be pretty simple solutions here.

What has happened to your mums house?

I’m sorry for your situation and I think it sounds difficult and horrible (and unusual) because the house isn’t properly ‘yours’. If you were renting in a normal fashion and the house was furnished, you’d have to ask the landlord to remove furniture you didn’t want or ask their permission to get rid of anything. Sounds like you’re going to have to do that here.
you also wouldn’t stand for having the place in such a state and you would expect it to be professionally cleaned when you move in, no food in the cupboards etc.

I almost wonder if, if you’ve got the funds, you’d be better off renting privately a one bed flat like most people do.

otherwise you really need a proper agreement for this house where you feel it really is yours. No one else can enter it without permission or notice, and you’re free to redecorate and tidy and get rid of stuff as you please.

I understand that it's family and difficult.

But looking in from the outside, you are a glorified housekeeper for the uncle.

But to answer your question: keep the furniture for now. Box up kitchen stuff and other unwanted items and off to the attic! (Don't throw anything away, however ugly or damaged!)
Replace flooring as and when you can afford it. Then start with replacing the furniture. Again, throw nothing away!

As for the 2 bedrooms, can you come to an agreement with uncle that you are happy for him to stay as a guest? But you need to have access to these rooms as guest rooms for your own friends & family or to use as an office ect. This means he needs to move his stuff out (if there is any - again you can compromise on one cupboard/ chest of drawers for his stuff)

Also, remember, as you make changes to the house and remove long standing furniture you can easily find yourself in situations where family members get upset or feel alienated. You need your big girl pants for this, be sympathetic but assertive is my advice.

As for cleaning/clearing, I'd take it one room at a time. It doesn't sound like you'll be bringing much with you, so make peace with the fact it might be 3/6 months of "camping" at the house while you sort stuff out.

I'd do the kitchen first. Set up a microwave/kettle/fridge/somewhere else and then completely empty the kitchen cupboards and remove any broken appliances. Clean it all and seal holes, block off pipes etc. Then decide whether you can live with the bones of the kitchen or whether you need new doors/new worktop/want to tile/need new flooring. If you're renting, then you'll need to negotiate with the landlord re what can be done/who pays. Then when that's done you can move back in whatever you decided to keep. If there's lots of china/cutlery etc, I'd choose the best bits and keep using them until you've finished cleaning/clearing the whole house - it would be mad to not be able to afford a new bathroom floor because you have a new cutlery set/crockery/massive fridge. Make it clean and functional, but resist the "extras" until you've got all the foundations done in all the rooms.

Re the three/five bedrooms being kept unused for the owner and his kids to come back a few times per year, that would be a deal breaker for me. I'd live there for 2-3 years (without investing money in making it nice) to save for my own place. But I absolutely wouldn't live "forever" in a home that someone else felt they had a right to stay/live in when it suited them.

Good luck!

Move in as a stopgap. Don't pay rent until it's properly habitable. Look for a nice uncomplicated rental.

Are you currently living in a house your mum used to own? Did you inherit it?

And you are planning to move to a home your uncle owns?

What happened to your mother’s house? Didn’t you inherit, or make some money from its sale? Why were they hoarding stuff in your mother’s house? Why are you leaving a messy housing situation for another (literally) messy one? Can’t you rent your own place, somewhere that’s actually clean, with no broken appliances and bedrooms you can’t use?

Was your mum's house a rental and the friends took on a tenancy so you could live with them.

If you are getting a proper tenancy from your BF'S uncle ask for it to be unfurnished (except maybe the rooms you have agreed they can stay in whe they visit). Have them have the house cleaned before you take on a tenancy.

I agree that firstly you need to ensure your future security in the house via contract or similar. Make sure that you aren't getting a raw deal here, if you are renting you shouldn't be major cleaning/clearing or paying for new flooring that is the remit of the owner. If you are renting then it shouldn't be conditional on e.g. keeping the house a cluttered tip or not using it as you like, it's either yours or not.

If however you have a deal of some sort where you pay little to no rent in exchange for cleaning and maintenance then that needs quantifying in some way. You don't want to become the family serf. In this situation I would get the property to livable minimum then save save save and get out, it's an impossibly messy situation to be stuck in.

Please clarify what's happening with your mother's house. If horders are living there then there is a danger if them damaging the fabric of the house, plus precious things that may still be there. The value could be effected. Even if the friends are entitled to stay they should still be keeping it in a good state.

OP what is stopping you and your boyfriend renting your own place?

Are there control dynamics at play here? Because you're being horribly manipulated by your family.

As to cleaning, watch a couple of you tube videos on house clearances for cluttered/ horded houses.

Ideally you systematically remove everything room by room and put it somewhere dry. You can then sort into piles. Keep, keep bit put into storage, recycle, donate, rubbish.

While the room is empty go at it with wet hoover, hoover, deep clean walls and floors and surfaces and redecorate is required. Only put back minimal furniture and very very few nicknames if you want. Framed photos for examples.

It sounds like you and your dp have family history's with lots of disorganisation and hording tendencies so I would fight that hard and be ruthless with decluttering in the spaces you have control over. With painting if in doubt, just paint it white or off white, think clear, clean and fresh, look at interior photos online to see the level of 'full' each room should be. Don't keep stuff in your personal spaces just because of obligation.

Start with your bedroom, then kitchen, then bathroom then living room then expand. Leave the rooms left for your uncle until last or use then to store stuff for now.