Where should we move to?

[RainbowSloth]

The background:

We are getting married in September 2024 (my parents are kindly helping with this, and I have some extra savings for this so costs are mainly in-hand). My partner desperately wants to start trying for kids in 2025 (same-sex couple, I’m 26f, she’s 29f).

We currently work and rent a house in City A and are desperate to move because the rent is so expensive (£1,550 for two people!), as is the council tax etc…

We want to move to another city; my parents are in City B which is even more expensive, so we want to move to City C where DP’s parents are as it’s much cheaper. We are looking to buy, not rent.

I have a deposit saved, but DP is not good with money and does not have any savings to add to this. She earns more than me, however, and we are actively trying to save everything now.

DP has said she does not want to leave her job that is not commutable from City C to City A so we found another city where we can commute about an hour driving, City D, where property prices are within our budget.

The dilemma:

DP wants to buy a property in City D within the next 6 months and move there as we will be paying less in mortgage. However, if we will then be having kids, we will be stuck in-between our parents in a place where we currently have no friends or a support network. I am worried making friends would be hard if DP is still working and commuting to City A before getting pregnant and then going on maternity.

We have discussed renting somewhere completely different for the next 18-24 months instead and moving slightly further away where it is cheaper (more like £900pcm) but we would be moving somewhere that we don’t know and would still have to do some commuting to work. This would allow us to save, however, and I am keen to save as much as possible and get comfortable financially before having kids and then buy somewhere much nicer in City C when we are ready to move jobs. This may mean putting off having kids, though, and DP is strongly against that.

Please help, I’m really not sure what we should do? We’re first time buyers so I don’t want to lose the zero stamp duty on a property until we’re ready, but would it make financial/social sense to move and buy in City D now, or try and save up and rent somewhere cheaper for the time being, put off having kids for a bit, and then buy in our ultimate goal City C when we’re ready??

Thank you for reading and sorry it’s so long!

make sure you ring-fence your deposit.

There's a lot in here about what DP wants, and will and won't do. What do you want?

Defo put in place protection on your deposit.

What strikes me about your post is that your DP seems to be dictating everything. There doesn't seem to be any compromises from her OP. She strongly wants to do lots of things. What do YOU want to do?

Protect your deposit. Think about what suits you and what you want, not just your partner (because your whole posts is all about her wants). Don’t count on parents being a support or worse your childcare, so many posts on here where it’s gone badly wrong.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies!

My deposit money is in a private savings account, so completely mine and is safe (my mum is very astute financially and has advised me on this).

My DP gets very upset when things don’t go her way, whereas I am a lot more easy-going. She is particularly unbothered financially, and has discussed getting loans (big no-no from me!). I enjoy living where we live now but I hate how much we are wasting in rent (if I’m honest, I set our budget much lower for this place but DP really liked it and, since she earns more, I thought it would be fair as she contributes slightly more).

What I want is to be comfortable financially before having kids, and also to have a good property in a city we like and have friends etc in, and also to have secure and stable jobs in that city to avoid commuting. Being near one of our parents is important to me not for childcare but because I am from a very close family and want our kids to have grandparents/aunts/cousins in their lives like I did growing up. I am happy to move to where DP’s parents are, as it’s a lovely city and the travel to my parents really isn’t that bad driving.

How can I gently suggest that waiting to be comfortable financially would be best for us when she is so adamant on having kids ASAP after we’re married?

Sounds like gently telling her is getting you nowhere! Spell it out, and I’d be wary of committing to someone who is the polar opposite financially. You need to sort this.

I think replies were suggesting that you protect your deposit by legally ringfencing it during the house purchase, should you divorce down the line the property will be a marital asset and jointly owned. If you need to sell the property, rather than half of it potentially going automatically to her.

I don't think you need to gently suggest anything. You tell her, from your chest, that you would prefer to wait until you're both financially comfortable until you add children to the mix, because that is how you feel, and that is what you want, and then you communicate and find a compromise.

It's nice be be unbothered financially but it's only really possible if someone else is pulling your weight, and make sure that you're easy-going doesn't equate to someone elses pushover.

Get comfortable with the fact that your wants and feelings are as valid as hers, and do a sense check with yourself whether you want to build a life with someone who gets very upset when things don't go their way.

This is so helpful, thank you everyone! I will look into legal options re: deposit.

And I think a frank conversation is definitely needed; I was thinking of going to a couples’ counsellor to have a mediator while we have such discussions as I think that could be beneficial (and harder for me to capitulate!).

How can I gently suggest that waiting to be comfortable financially would be best for us when she is so adamant on having kids ASAP after we’re married?
Why are you getting married to someone you can’t express your true feelings to, about really big important stuff? You shouldn’t have to be ‘gently suggesting’ anything. You should be able to have a discussion like adults, where both of your feelings and opinions are considered equal.

My DP gets very upset when things don’t go her way
Massive red flag. Huge.

(Also as an aside: I really love my DP and, apart from money, we have a lot in common and she is a super supportive person, just prone to going headlong into things she wants rather than taking time to (over?)-think as I do!)

I agree: by ‘protect your deposit’ people mean within your house ownership. Buy as Tenants In Common not Joint Tenants and have a deed that says the deposit is yours.

In practice, how much support would you get from family? Babysitting? Childcare? My mum used to come on the train and look after Dc for the weekend, several times a year. But your family may be busy / working / not up for helping out?

Ante natal groups, baby and toddler groups are v good for making new friends. Unless all your peers are also having babies you can find that baby-friends become more regular than old ‘going out’ friends.

Also do you have plans for money when one of you is on mat leave.

Your DP sounds both extremely inflexible and bad with money.
If she wants children in her twenties and doesn't want to wait and save for a house (like most people do in their 20s), then she should have worked hard previously to save a hefty deposit.
Don't allow yourself to be bullied into buying the house she wants, in the place she wants, having children exactly when she wants. Having children is a massive commitment and you are absolutely right to want to be financially secure first. Also, one partner cannot dictate when you start a family as a couple, especially when you are both in your 20s. A very frank discussion, where you don't cave in when she gets 'upset' is called for.

Probably some childcare from DPs (retired) parents at least (they have one 7-month-old DGC who lives with them with his mum, my DP’s younger sister, and they are very hands-on with him) My FMIL LOVES babies.

My parents work so less help from them, but I know they would want to be close to my kids.

And that’s a good point I hadn’t considered re: friendship groups - my friends particularly are nowhere near getting married/kids stage for many of the couples so that’s definitely a thing to think about.

This is another issue I have raised as I work in the charity sector and so I am not paid that well (moving to corporate is a hard no for me, I need a job that is fulfilling to me). I have said waiting would give me time to get a higher position with more money pay so this will be less of an issue.

This is also an excellent point: I have tried to remind her that we’re actually very young! It doesn’t always feel like it, but many people have kids way later. I have also said she could get a higher-paying job but she likes her job and I completely respect that as I am the same. She says people have kids on less money - they do, but we both had lovely childhoods with lots of holidays etc, and I want to ensure that we can provide that for our kids.

This is super useful though, and I will channel it into a frank discussion with her.

Good luck. Stand firm. You could say that you are happy to buy once you have a certain amount saved for a deposit (say 15%) plus 6 months pay to cover maternity leave. That might motivate her to save. If you wait 2-3 years before having kids, you will still only be late 20s/ v early 30s. She sounds naive about the costs of having children and the sacrifices required for the majority.

Thank you, this is such a good starting point to work out some actual figures and financial goals to aim for. And thank you to everyone else - I really needed to hear this and it’s helped me clarify how we can successfully approach this issue together. Thank you!