How many of you are/were wary of moving in case you were infertile

literaryloveaffair · 2023-12-15T16:04:07+00:00

We own a 2 bed flat in London which we would be happy living in if it was just the two of us. Previously I wanted to move (to a bigger flat in the same area as my MIL who lives nearby had tentatively agreed to help with childcare) before having a baby but then the market was slow and mortgage rates shot up so took the flat off the market with the view of putting it back on in 2024. I have been trying actively with 5 months with no results and been having sex without withdrawing most days for the past 10 months. Previously, we used the withdrawal method (and no artificial contraception) for 8 years and it was very successful. I am starting to think that perhaps it may take a long time for us to get pregnant (if ever) and then I might be paying more for more rooms I am not using. Or even if I do get pregnant eventually, it may take years and so I will pay additional mortgage interest for those years (mattered less when interest rates were sub zero, but those days are over). Has this happened to many of you, moved to a family friendly home that you didn't end up needing in the short to medium term? How did you feel about it.

Avacardo2023 · 15/12/2023 16:27

Yes we moved to a 4 bed detached house after we planned to try for a baby and lived there just the two of us for 12 years until we finally had kids. Luckily we managed to pay off most of the house while trying for kids so it put us in a good position financially.

Just to mention there's no need to have sex most days of the month if you are trying for a baby (unless you want to of course). If you look at the sperm meets egg plan online it sets out the days you should try and days you don't need to.

Twiglets1 · 16/12/2023 06:33

Well I didn’t move to a bigger place until after I was pregnant so I knew we would need a bigger place 🤷🏼‍♀️

SgtJuneAckland · 16/12/2023 06:42

We moved to a 3 bed house with big garden when I had been diagnosed with fertility issues and told pregnancy may not be possible for me. We wanted the garden, were happy to have a guest room and a home office/hobby room and we wanted to be in this location, waking distance from town centre and beaches, near the sea and I like period properties. I also like hosting so we wanted decent living space, which tends to come with more than one or two bedrooms.
We do now have one DC and long term plan to extend into the attic

CremeBrunette · 16/12/2023 06:50

It’s easier to move when you aren’t pregnant or without a baby/child in tow but it’s possible to do it then. I wouldn’t be looking to move near MIL on tentatively saying she will do childcare. If you get pregnant and she brings it up again, you can look at moving near to her.

Babies can come with a lot of stuff but if you’re short on space, just be clear to people not to buy a load of crap for them as you don’t have the space. Babies can actually take up a tiny amount of space, they sleep with you for the first 6 months but that can be longer for some babies. I’d say plan for your current place, find childcare near there and price that up. Then when you’re pregnant and have a committed answer from MIL about childcare, you can then think about moving. I would recommend getting family over to help take care of baby (and you if you’re newly postpartum), factor removals firm to move you and pack your things up into the costs.

RidingMyBike · 16/12/2023 09:43

Yes, bought four bed house, then didn't get pregnant for another five years!

But I don't think that mattered. It would have cost a lot more in stamp duty to move twice. Plus all the other associated costs. Far more than the mortgage payments. The downside was we'd got used to rattling around with loads of space and had to do a big declutter!

You don't need loads of space with a baby, especially initially.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 16/12/2023 10:00

We weren't wary and bought a three bed house. Turns out I am indeed infertile but I love our home and also I hated living under the yoke of a freeholder and management company in a flat.

No regrets.

Callisto1 · 16/12/2023 10:48

Given that you seem quite happy living in your flat, why not wait and see?

We moved with a 2 year old from a 2 bed flat and it wasn't that bad. I wanted to be settled before the school application deadline, not because my DC needed more space. We probably wouldn't have moved if we didn't have to for other reasons.

If your MIL already lives nearby I would probably worry more about school catchment and such. You never know how much childcare MIL will want to do in reality if you have DC at some future point.

AnonyLonnymouse · 16/12/2023 11:05

We moved out of London to a 4 bed house with one three-year-old child and a fairly realistic hope of having another - but we were really moving for schools, living space and a different lifestyle so the move made sense anyway.

Sadly the second child never happened for us and for a while the extra bedrooms were rather under-used. I even had a couple of rather tactless and rude comments from people about the space we had compared to the number of children we had, which was rather hurtful and not as if I could do anything about it!

But in the last few years (hastened by lockdown) we began using the space differently so I now have an upstairs office space and we also have some gym equipment in another bedroom.

To come to the crux of what I am saying, you will grow to use whatever space you have. But equally, having lived in London, I think you would be fine for a while in a two-bed with a baby as lots of my friends had that setup (although did move eventually).

Original poster

literaryloveaffair · 16/12/2023 20:05

CharlotteStreetW1 · 16/12/2023 10:00

We weren't wary and bought a three bed house. Turns out I am indeed infertile but I love our home and also I hated living under the yoke of a freeholder and management company in a flat.

No regrets.

Residents own the freehold. So not an issue for us...

OP posts:

Daisies12 · 16/12/2023 20:19

Buy something you want for yourselves anyway. We moved in a 3 bed semi this year as we wanted a garden and a guest room, and space to work from home. We knew we’d want the house even without kids. I had a miscarriage 2 days after we moved in… if you want a bigger property, do it for you

Original poster

literaryloveaffair · 16/12/2023 20:25

CremeBrunette · 16/12/2023 06:50

It’s easier to move when you aren’t pregnant or without a baby/child in tow but it’s possible to do it then. I wouldn’t be looking to move near MIL on tentatively saying she will do childcare. If you get pregnant and she brings it up again, you can look at moving near to her.

Babies can come with a lot of stuff but if you’re short on space, just be clear to people not to buy a load of crap for them as you don’t have the space. Babies can actually take up a tiny amount of space, they sleep with you for the first 6 months but that can be longer for some babies. I’d say plan for your current place, find childcare near there and price that up. Then when you’re pregnant and have a committed answer from MIL about childcare, you can then think about moving. I would recommend getting family over to help take care of baby (and you if you’re newly postpartum), factor removals firm to move you and pack your things up into the costs.

I live fairly near her already but if we got a bigger place would probably still live near her if we had a baby. If we didn't then I guess we don't need to.

OP posts:

Pacificisolated · 16/12/2023 20:29

We didn’t do this but my BIL and SIL did. They moved ages away where they could afford an enormous house. 3 years later and still no babies. They drive 45 minutes every weekend to go to their favourite cafe near where they used to live. I feel depressed just knowing about their situation so I can’t imagine what it’s like to live it.

BYDboard · 16/12/2023 20:38

I can see upsides of paying down a bigger mortgage before childcare costs hit - we did it the other way, dc1 took two years of trying and then tests and clomid, we bought a 2 bed as assumed dc2 wouldn’t happen, and then ended up with two in a too small flat, and scrambling for pay rises and promotions to move. It’ll be a long time before we retire!

it’s really hard to say isn’t it? I can see why you’d hold on for now before the first child has arrived - very best of luck I hope it happens soon.

NumberSixtyTwo · 16/12/2023 20:45

In ten years, with no children, would you still want a bigger house? If so, why not move now? Even without my DCs I'd enjoy extra space for home working etc so I don't see why you have to stay in a small flat until children. Unless it's a much more preferable lifestyle?

I moved with young DCs and it was hell, I also lived with young DCs in a cramped tiny house which was hell. Would have been lovely to have it all sorted beforehand!

Original poster

literaryloveaffair · 16/12/2023 21:25

NumberSixtyTwo · 16/12/2023 20:45

In ten years, with no children, would you still want a bigger house? If so, why not move now? Even without my DCs I'd enjoy extra space for home working etc so I don't see why you have to stay in a small flat until children. Unless it's a much more preferable lifestyle?

I moved with young DCs and it was hell, I also lived with young DCs in a cramped tiny house which was hell. Would have been lovely to have it all sorted beforehand!

Well it's much less debt to stay where we are. If we stayed where we are, we could be mortgage free by 42! In London. We actually don't wfh much, dh cycles to work daily and I go into office too. We go abroad on holiday every 2 months so actually we don't spend much time at home at all.

But if we had a child, then probably would like more space and would just accept the cost.. and our lifestyles would definitely change.

OP posts:

YouHaveAnArse · 18/12/2023 11:28

You might move somewhere that doesn;t provide IVF on the NHS if needed (my borough does not, to anyone) so that's worth considering.

AutumnNamechange · 18/12/2023 12:02

AnonyLonnymouse · 16/12/2023 11:05

We moved out of London to a 4 bed house with one three-year-old child and a fairly realistic hope of having another - but we were really moving for schools, living space and a different lifestyle so the move made sense anyway.

Sadly the second child never happened for us and for a while the extra bedrooms were rather under-used. I even had a couple of rather tactless and rude comments from people about the space we had compared to the number of children we had, which was rather hurtful and not as if I could do anything about it!

But in the last few years (hastened by lockdown) we began using the space differently so I now have an upstairs office space and we also have some gym equipment in another bedroom.

To come to the crux of what I am saying, you will grow to use whatever space you have. But equally, having lived in London, I think you would be fine for a while in a two-bed with a baby as lots of my friends had that setup (although did move eventually).

We were exactly the same - moved out of a flat into a 5 bed house with a 2 year old in tow in 2019, assuming we would have another or even two more, but it didn't happen (at least not so far!). Our house isn't under used now though, we turned one room into a library which I also use as an office. We have a large guest bedroom which DH uses as an office when it's not in use; and the other spare bedroom is a playroom for DS where him and his friends hang out often. We were also glad to be away from a leasehold flat with service charges.

OP if you want to move eventually anyway, best to do it before kids so your full-time wage will be taken into account by the mortgage company, as many women go part-time after kids.