Move back nearer home town

[Thyra123]

I am not sure what to do, it feels like every choice I make is wrong for my son.

I’m a single mum. He’s fourteen, severe school based anxiety and OCD and anxiety regarding other things outside of school.

We moved to Wales from Kent four years ago, frankly because I couldn’t afford to live in Kent, and my son wasn’t massively close to his extended family then. Needed a clean slate.

Since then, Covid, I’ve been made redundant and my son has stopped attending school, and has home tuition.

My sons half brother has had a mental health crisis so we went back to visit recently, and I noted how much closer my son seems with his dads family and our extended family. He actually goes out and does things with them and seems to be developing relationships with them.

I’ve written a list of pros and cons about moving back. We won’t be able to afford to live right near our family as it’s totally out of my price range (and actually has bad memories for me too so wouldn’t be good for my mental health) so it would need to be an hour or two from our ‘hometown’ and pros might be- more things to do (it’s very quiet where we are, a pro in some ways as we feel safe), and being nearer family means I can help out if someone’s ill, my son will be able to do more and the pressure is off me a little bit (plus I might get a social life back as more people to watch my son while I actually leave the house!!). When things go wrong in the house now or if the dog’s unwell for instance, I do get quite overwhelmed being 200 miles from anyone we know.

I’ve tried so hard to make this move work and tried to get support and contingencies in place but my son’s anxiety makes this very difficult.

I love our home, love the quiet and beautiful area, I’ve spent a fair bit doing major things on the house, and I have no savings for legal fees and moving costs (not sure if they can be paid after my house has sold) I’ve only ever bought a house with cash before (inherited) and I’ve no actual idea about how to go about selling! Or who to ask! (I won’t get a mortgage- I don’t earn enough).

There’s one thing my son likes about living here- his 1-2-1 football coach. That’s the only person he leaves the house for here, although sometimes their relationship can be iffy as he doesn’t give my son a lot of slack for his anxiety.

Any advice would be most welcomed! I feel like I’ve made a mistake moving here four years ago but at the time I had even less money and really couldn’t afford anything else. Now we’ve made a bit of money on the house and could perhaps afford to move a bit nearer family, but I’m not sure the stress of moving will be worth it or not!

Also just to add I’m working part time from home and son being home educated so we don’t need to worry about schools or workplaces

Tricky one... I can definitely see the advantages as you describe them.

With regard to legal and moving costs, yes, these are generally paid out of the house sale proceeds.

Have you looked online for properties in areas that you might be able to afford? I would do lots of research first, and next time you visit the family, go to the cheaper areas and check out transport links, amenities and so on. It doesn't have to be a rushed decision. Is it possible that your move to Wales was a bit of a knee-jerk reaction? If so, you really don't want to make the same mistake again.

Also, it may be that being 2 hours away means your son wouldn't see as much of the family as you think. My London family are an hour away and I hardly ever see them.

Have you discussed options with your son? Perhaps you don't want to risk getting his hopes up for a move, or (worse) cause more anxiety at the thought of uprooting a second time, but at some point you will need to establish exactly how he feels about where he is living now and whether he wants to stay long term or not.

I haven't voted yet, as I think it's too complex and big an issue for a quick yes / no answer.

My sons half brother has had a mental health crisis so we went back to visit recently, and I noted how much closer my son seems with his dads family and our extended family. He actually goes out and does things with them and seems to be developing relationships with them.

I would suggest that before you make a decision of any sort which will cause massive upheaval, see if you can get him to spend some extended time with them, i.e. a week at a time on holiday in their area, and see how those relationships continue to pan out over a longer period of time.

If you repeatedly see nothing but positivity from the interactions, perhaps then it's time to give it more serious consideration.

It's easy to want to jump in and help him if all you've experienced lately is sadness, but I think you have to be reassured that its effects on him will be sustainable, and not just a flash-in-the-pan, some times but not always thing, because he doesn't see them all that often.

Thank you so much for replying.

I had gotten out of an abusive relationship when I left Kent, where I’d been financially controlled, and also my dad was letting us live with him temporarily but also had his house up for sale so we did need to hurry up and buy somewhere, it was panic stations. It seemed to work out well considering! We inadvertently found a house in a lovely area in my price range with no chain so it all went went initially, and of course we had watched Gavin and Stacey and assumed we could just hit the M4 every other weekend and see everyone.

Ive spoken to my son this morning bless him. I didn’t realise that he was planning to try and do exams at home with the tutor and then perhaps attend our local college with his school friends, and he also said he likes the area we live in because it’s quiet and safe, he doesn’t relish the idea of moving somewhere new where he might feel more unsafe. (Not in a snobby way but the places we would be looking at would be a bit rough and noisier).

I think I’ll do what you’ve suggested in terms of checking places out over time, and save up some money over the next couple of years. In two years time my son will be 16 and things will be quite different I’m sure.

I just need a life here I think, some support network and friends to give me a reason to be here, not just an existence everyday. I’ll work towards that as well.

I also wondered that re not seeing everyone as much anyway! And to be honest I’m not that close with these family members myself so I’d be doing it for my son really not myself.

Thank you for this advice! I think you’re right I’m just a bit desperate for him to be happier. Long term is the way tho, not rushing into a big move.

Sometimes, all you need is a bit of validation from some strangers on the internet that you're doing the right thing.

And it helps.

I think giving it some time is wise, especially if they're not really your favourite people anyway.

(we're miles away from ALL our family, and with good reason)