What to do when you can't agree where to live?

[mindandsensespurified]

DH and I currently live just outside a big city. We desperately want to move to the countryside - or at least somewhere a bit more rural - but can't agree where. DH wants to move near his family, I want to move near mine.

Where we live at the moment is ok-ish for seeing both sides of the family (closer to his but v. good transport links to mine). Moving near to either his or my family would make it harder to get to the other family.

So we're at an impasse. Do we just stay where we are, or is there some objective way we decide where to go?

To add - we have DC so obviously the idea of them growing up nearer family would be lovely. There's seemingly just no way of making it fair - either we "choose" my family or his. Or we stay where we are which isn't ideal but is fine. It's not a bad place at all, just not where we see ourselves long term.

If neither of you will concede, you have to go for the compromise or the status quo, and where you are currently is both. So you stay roughly where you are - equidistant - but in an area that you prefer.

You could try to assess which area is objectively 'better' in terms of schools, work or future property value growth.

Or you can do a trade off - so the one of you who lives furthest from family never has to iron again!

How far away are the families now and how far would they be…?

Move further away from whichever side is most likely to have comfortable space to host you for long stays. The concession is that you take longer to get there but spend long weekends and whole weeks during holiday times.

Thanks for your replies. We're currently about 1h from in-laws, 3h from my family. So a lot further from mine but easy journey (direct train or straightforward drive). We do already tend to do what you suggest @KievLoverTwo and spend longer chunks of time with my family when we visit - whereas DH family is more little and often (ish).

As the kids get older I just keep thinking that it would be nice for them to be closer to family - like close enough to pop over and see them a few times a week. But whichever direction we go will take us further from the other side of the family. And moving somewhere equidistant just seems pointless as we'd be further from in-laws but still not close enough to my family to see them all the time.

Having said all this I'm wondering if I have slightly rosy views about how much time we'd actually spend with family if we moved closer to either. People have their own lives. Maybe the best thing is just so stay where we are, it just feels like neither me nor DH are fully happy with that decision.

Have either side said they want you to move closer? Is it idealistic thinking what it could be like? Do you or your DH have siblings who live nearby too? What happens when the grandparents get old and frail?

I grew up with one frail grandparent really close by, whom we saw almost daily and it stopped us doing so much stuff as we couldn't leave her on her own, had to holiday nearby to get back quickly if there was a problem, stoped us children being able to see friends as much.

What would the new area be like for schools, hobbies, recreation, employment, commuting?

If the further away set get on well with their grandkids then it sounds like they could visit independently by train once they're in their teens?

Realistically what are both sets of GPs like? We see my inlaws every weekend. I honestly don't think we would see my parents that often even if we lived next door to them, they are busy with all kinds of community stuff.

I think you need to look objectively at the areas, take the family out of it. What kind of house can you afford, what is the impact on work, what are the schools like.

Perhaps look logically at other factors
if they’re that far away from each other is it the case that housing costs vary wildly? What about jobs? Schools? General pleasantness of living environment?
Either option you’d have grandparents nearby which is really valuable and from what you’ve said if you went nearer his, that would only add an hour onto yours and presumably it isn’t possible at the moment to see them for the day anyway so not much would change?

Fwiw I live 10 minutes away from my parents and it is nice is some ways but we don’t see them that often, because we’re all busy and we don’t make an effort to ‘book’ stuff in like we would if we lived further away! Also they have an aversion to any child care or grandparent contact after about 6pm 😆

Personally I think he's had his turn of being close enough to go over for dinner

Same!

We live in a cornish coastal resort that's morphing more into disneyland as each year passes.

When the children left for careers we said we would.move and with my work we can go anywhere. Husbands though, we are more restricted. And I now visit my widowed father regularly who is two hours away and we don't want to live in that town. There are some close by him which are nice but I'm.not sure we would want to be there for retirement which is the move we should be looking at.

The problem is knowing places well enough. We only know two other towns relatively well. Both because its where the children have been for 5 plus years. Not sure they would want us close by....and they would miss their "holiday home" back here where many of their childhood friends still reside.

It's probably impossible to pick one place tbh. No wonder people stay where they are!