new purchase and terrible neighbours

[Messyhair321]

Apologies in advance for the length of this post!

We have moved into a new house 6 months ago, we lived in a small village previously but have moved to an equally small village in a slightly more remote area. We moved for semi retirement.

So all was good when we first moved in, its quite a small hamlet type place (add that we have never had issues with neighbours previously, in fact we were quite close to them and were a big part of the community).

When we first moved in we had 3 households popping in welcoming us, although they did emphasise that the neighbourhood was 'very close knit and supportive' we felt really welcomed, however it now feels like this was not genuine, because these 3 households have decided now that they don't like us and have all stopped speaking to us.

Background - We had a neighbour rudely tell DH to move a car from 'his spot', (car wasn't even DH's)- DH was in work gear and we think this neighbour thought he was working here, but he was really very rude. However we thought maybe he was just having a bad day, but then DH asked another neighbour politely to move their car a couple of feet so we could access our gate to the house. Neighbour called DH an idiot because he said DH should have known it was his car weeks ago (?!), not sure what the relevance was of this to be honest. DH is really chilled and didn't react but was quite upset by this. We both were.

We then had this other neighbour shouting at my DH to move our car (from outside of our house) because they said it was their neighbours 'place'. DH refused and the following day, we had a flurry of messages from this other neighbour, completely over the top telling us 'they've been there longer than us and therefore they have more right to park where this neighbour wants' & arguing that the door isn't even the entrance of the house(!), it started to feel like I was in another universe so we tried to keep it simple by just sending the DVLA guidance, they then blocked me and deleted their whole profile (the whole chat disappeared).

It now feels like 'everyone knows' & that everyone has been talking about us, we have not spoken to anyone ourselves or given our perspective. However these 3 households have stopped talking to us, so we say hello & they just ignore us, I should add that these people were not even involved in DH asking neighbour to shift car, & they don't even park on the road. Fortunately we don't usually have to park on the road either, only having to on that occasion because we were unloading & needed to access the gate (this gate is only ours it isn't shared).

I really feel quite threatened by these people, its making me feel quite anxious and worried about just going out of the door, for fear of what will happen next, have we moved into a neighbourhood of completely crazy people? Or have we moved into some sort of cult?! I don't know anyone who would react this way, and for other people to pile on when they know nothing about what we asked for and why feels unbelievably petty and childish. I just feel I am back at school, and that we made a huge mistake moving here, we were in a friendly community previously, had lived there for 20 years and never experienced anything like this, and I am not sure if I can live like this.

We have made an effort to get out there and be seen, because I really feel that these people are trying to make it as uncomfortable as possible for us, and we both feel that the worst thing we can do is hide away, I am just very glad I don't live alone. Interestingly, someone messaged me prior to exchange of contracts, who lives just outside of the area, she was saying that we 'shouldn't step on people's toes, that we need to be careful not to try to change things', wondering in retrospect if this was some sort of warning. I thought at the time I had met the local busybody, but not sure if this was some veiled warning.

Anyone else been in this position? How did you resolve it?

Feel sorry for you op. I live in a place like this and you'll be treated as, an 'incomer' as they're called here, until you're at least 3 generations in.

Just ignore them.

I like @nibblessquibbles 's approach. If you are reasonable and pleasant while still making a point, then it puts them on the back foot.

Meanwhile, you said that you were active members of your previous community, so I would suggest doing this again. Go to church, volunteer for things, join clubs, chat to shopkeepers and so on, and let everyone else see what nice people you are, so that your mad / bullying neighbours can't spread their negativity. You will have the support of the majority and it will be easier to ignore them.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this - it must be just awful.

I live in a small hamlet and things could not be more different - just the opposite in fact. We all welcome newcomers and absorb them into the life of the village.

I do not know what you can do - I am just very sad to hear this.

To be honest, in terms of terrible neighbours this lot don't seem that bad.

I mean, are they keeping you awake day and night, dumping rubbish all over the place, dogs and kids running feral, growing weed in the back garden, the subject of police raids etc ?

I would just take the moral high ground. Always be polite to them but do what you are legally allowed to. If they don't like it, as someone else says, just apologise and tell them you won't park on their land again if they show you the deeds that shows that they own the land.

Some people just have too much time on their hands.

They want a fight Do not rise to them as this is what they want
They are taking their prob out on you for whatever reason but they do sound a bit crazy too

You need to be firm, very firm, in my experience.

"This is my property, that is your property, this is public property you have no more rights that me, leave me alone"

and repeat repeat repeat

This kind of bizarre village mentality is one of the the reasons we are moving back to urban life!

I wouldn't lose any sleep over it, but then again, I've never really been the type to interact with my neighbours aside from pleasantries.

Might it be just old-fashioned snobbery? It seems to have started when they saw your DH in work gear, maybe they've realised that you're 'beneath them' - there really are still people like this around who almost certainly earn less than most people in work gear.

Though parking does bring out the worst in people and in villages at least you do get used to having 'your' parking space and get extremely irritated if someone parks in it. I'm still annoyed that the parking space I used when I lived at my parents' is now regularly occupied by new neighbours when I visit - do they not know I've been parking there for over 20 years?! How dare they... But I realise the old neighbours possibly forgot to include my priority usage of the space outside their house in the contract when they sold so I have managed to grit my teeth, smile sweetly and park elsewhere.

My neighbours have ignored me for 30 years and they will not change Yes so I just keep away

I think your options are

• bright and breezy and ignore

• people please, apologies profusely, say "duh it was us being silly outsiders we didn't realize about the (stupid) parking"

• deliberately shit stir by dropping vague comments to the other 2 about the third and go around the 3 doing this until you are the confidente and they all hate each other. Not good advice but it'll be entertaining for a while. Start with "I heard the girl at the shop in town saw tony from couple A doing (thing couple B hates)" perhaps make it about brexit for maximum fallout.

You are suffering from incomeritis. It's a chronic condition unfortunately. I hope you haven't moved to rural Wales as it could be a terminal prognosis

This is purely about parking. You moved to an area where it's obviously a nightmare and the neighbours sought to establish control over the available spaces immediately. You didn't fall into line so you are now being punished with the silent treatment.

Sending DVLA guidlines to one was childish and aggressive though. Your DH also refused to move when asked, but asked someone else to move away from your gate. So you either accept it's a free for all on a public road or not.

I'm wondering why you moved from the other community for retirement if you liked it there?

Would op have to declare these neighbours if they had to move

This I was also wondering about. I guess it depends on how it unfolds. If people just carry on ignoring but parking is resolved, ie the original car owner stops parking in front of the gate so we can get out, it would be a case of just saying there was an initial issue that was resolved. But if they start hurling abuse or shitting in the garden (!) I mean it would escalate. Hopefully they'll find someone else to pick on in the not too distant future - & parking will not be so much of a problem

Dealing with angry & aggressive over the top people factually is really the only way. The guidance stated that you can't block an entrance.
I think on reflection it was the only response.
I think DH was making that very point when refusing to move, you can't tell people where to park unless it's illegal i.e. parking over a gate. He was just parking up. Not blocking anyone or anything, just in this persons "space" they've "claimed".

Definitely right yep we've not complied with these unwritten rules, it is ridiculous & school playground stuff to just stop talking to people about something that doesn't even impact you.

We wanted to move for more space. We didn't really think about the friendliness of the other community we lived in because we didn't anticipate in our wildest dreams we'd have this problem. If we've never experienced it before despite living in cities, villages & towns why would we?

😅 could think of some rumours quite easily. But probably best to just ignore & say hi, carry on with our day, that's how to deal with bullies

Meh, I fell out with my batshit ndn last summer. Made life easier if I am honest, I don't have to bother with the social niceties or chitchat or entertain her in any way. Within a month it was normal to ignore her.

Various family members had so much trouble with obnoxious neighbours in (posh) villages that I swore never to live in one. Trying to claim land that wasn't theirs, trying to block wayleaves, the lot. All of them petty, all of them rude, bullies, and all round entitled nasty pieces of work far too used to having their own way regardless of laws or rules. And presumably with nothing better to do.

Then we actually ended up living an a village, and the next-door neighbours we had over a 30-plus yr timescale (one lot one side, three lots the other) were all excellent, just the sort of neighbours any decent person would want, pleasant, helpful, co-operative, and friendly. Normal nice people. But that was not a posh village, just an out-of town settlement, with ordinary not-very-expensive modern houses, and decent people.

Small town/village life. I hate it. It's made me depressed and anxious to leave the house. I find it hard to even book a cleaner or other works because often they don't want to work in a road that "feels" hostile (they know exactly the signs that even I didn't see at first), they're busy enough to turn down the work. I feel like I live in a goldfish bowl. What's depressing is being surrounded by retired people who barely leave the house for days but notice everything instantly. Worse still is that they are never or very rarely visited by their children and grandchildren who they rave about and tell me have wildly more successful lives than mine (and much bigger houses than mine), it's depressing and my children hate going outside too as they feel too outnumbered with no other children around. I'm not 100% English being half continental European and it's like they home in on it, and have even been asked me what passports I have. Now no one would really be able to tell or even ask if I was in a city as I moved to the UK as a young child and I don't look particularly foreign unless someone is used to a very inbred village looks and has a hightened sensitivity to it. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin now, and my mixed heritage (even my English side is mixed North and East England because my Dad was a Londoner so the genetic blending was done by the industrial revolution), to the point where I really got into geneaology and even did an ancestry DNA thing but now I resent it because it's all really stemmed from this little England village mentality creating insecurities in me. Actually I am now very proud that my grandparents got off their bottoms and migrated to make better lives for themselves, village people are the losers left behind. I don't find villages quaint anymore, when I see "no plastic flowers" signs in the churchyard, rocks on the verges, doors all painted the same colour, mud mud and more mud plus farmers doing their usual tricks to diminish public rights of way, boring anti badger mentality and the extortionate pub prices I just feel like no sentimentality for the countryside.

How's it going now?

One of the many reasons I would never move to a so-alled tightly knt community - they only way that may be if we were ricjh and could afford a mansion that had a 20 foot wide drive and next doo r was a good hundred for away

OP, time to move imo

Ignore them back. Live your life exactly as you wish.

Maybe consider buying an old banger to constantly park in this often argued about spot?

I had a neighbor like this in my favourite house. After a row where she called me names I successfully ignored her completely for 5 years. I was lucky that my other neighbor was wonderful and the nasty neighbor was disliked by most.

I hope you find other neighbors that cannot bear these bullies.

sorry to read these things have happened. all sounds like bullies imo. i think villages are more often than not full of them and often right-wing conservative voters and people with no regard for others. i'm a city person, so getting neighbourly isnt really something i care much about, i probably won't speak much to my neighbours. maybe it's a London thing. anyways i tell you this because having this attitude might well work for you both, esp your mental health. sod them. if you like your house, your general area and local amenities, seriously sod them. i would ignore them, don't response (silence is also a response, if you know what i mean). Just do as you normally would so long as you're not doing anything illegal e.g. parking on their legal boundaries etc then i wouldn't give a crap about them. i'd do the same in london. good luck