Dream house - failing totally

[Dreadmilly]

Moved into 'dream' house in March.

Big house, big garden, had big exciting plans to fully decorate, start own business etc. New chapter, new life.

I'm so tired. I can't decide on anything. It's been 5 months and all I've done is paint one room and I don't even like it.

I've lost motivation, energy, enthusiasm and all I see are problems and hurdles to get anything done.

Is this normal? All I keep thinking is how I'm failing and anyone else would be doing a better job than me.

This house and opportunity is wasted on me.

On your first point, why would you say you are so tired?
Work?, kids?, illness?

Also, would you say the list of jobs to do is overwhelming you?

which jobs need doing and which are ones that are cosmetic?

What else is going on in your life? I have a toddler and an intense job and have very little time and energy to spend on my house.

I also get overwhelmed by the amount that needs to get done, and I get decision paralysis because I'm concerned that the end result won't feel cohesive.

"All I keep thinking is how I'm failing and anyone else would be doing a better job than me." - this sounds like a bit of depression or maybe perfectionism? Why do you need to do a 'good job'? It's your home, it should be what you want rather than some idea of 'good'.

5 months isn't very long. I think it takes a year to get to know a house properly and come up with design ideas and how to decorate and use the space. It took me 3 months to choose a paint colour alone! Apart from anything else you need to understand how the light affects each room throughout the seasons.

Don't beat yourself up. Give yourself a break from thinking about it and then just spend a few months looking through magazines and property sites and see what inspires you. It should be a pleasurable process, not a chore.

Thank you for your replies. I have a very easy part time job, and no kids, in very good health physically so I have no excuses whatsoever.

I'm hugely privileged with time but limited funds so need to DIY as much as I can.

And I don't think I've ever been so tired.

Everything just feels out my comfort zone, DH is very slow to do anything, he is autistic. Highly functioning but OCD everything he does is perfect but slow. Asked him to put a lampshade and it took 2 days because he needed to move the light fitting in the ceiling one Inch so it was in the exact middle.

20 hours to put a curtain rail up. 1 hour to put washing out. Etc. Sees nothing but problems so I have to try and keep his motivation going too.

I'm broken.

Thank you. It feels like not long but then I think 5 months is plenty of time for progress and I'm just being lazy/pathetic.

I want to enjoy doing it all.

How old are you as wondering could it be menopause which does bring an unnatural tiredness at times. Go easy on yourself. Moving house is stressful so maybe your body is not over all that yet.

38 - I think it's a mental fatigue to be honest, which then makes me feel physically tired?

Can’t you hire a handyman to do curtain rails etc.

Some easier progress might help motivation. 20 hours to put up a curtain rail is too much and will depress you both.

DH refuses a handyman for jobs he can do.

If you have the money, definitely get someone in to do jobs like putting up curtain poles. Ask around till you find one who is a perfectionist.

We did all the hard work on ours and have now stalled at the putting up pictures phase, we've had blank walls for nearly 2 years now. So I get where you are coming from. Sometimes it's almost an agony of choice.

We just decided that we would put a couple of weekends aside to choose paint colours, fabrics etc and did that, treated it like a job, and that if we didn't get it quite right we could redecorate in due course.....But almost to get a blank canvas first.

Can we swap DP's for a bit? Mine is the opposite, lots of stuff done but never very well!

Can you focus on planning it all rather than actually doing things (unless they're urgent?). I think a big part of making a house cohesive is finding your style. There are lots of resources to help you do this - the book "Mad about the house" by Kate Watson Smyth is a good starting point. Maybe if you planned out roughly how you want each room to look and feel then you would feel more confident when you actually implement the decisions? You could use a mood board or whatever works for you.
It's a cheap way to start making progress but not actually commit to any decisions yet. You can change things around and work out your budget for each room before buying anything.
Remember you don't have to have it all perfect at once. In my experience it takes years of living in a house to know what really works in each room. Take it slowly!

This made me smile! Yes absolutely 😂

This is very kind of you to post, thank you. I'll get that book! I definitely feel better with the idea of planning first, giving myself permission to think and get ideas rather than total pressure of doing, doing, doing.

now stalled at the putting up pictures phase, we've had blank walls for nearly 2 years now. So I get where you are coming from. Sometimes it's almost an agony of choice

Exactly this, it really is painful to decide, when I thought it'd be easy to know what I wanted

Nice problems to have, I know, adds to me feeling guilty about feeling so stressed over nothing.

It’s a toss up - pay someone and get some things finished which would make you both happier or DH takes ages to do it and you both get down about it? Could you frame it that way?

@Dreadmilly 5 months really isn't very long, cut yourself some slack.

However, it's a shame you don't feel motivated & feel SO tired.

Im in a 'situation' too. Too long to write out, but I feel for how you feel.

Years ago I had a live-in job. The bloke had (undiagnosed, but perfectly obvious autism). He decided the ensuite in my room needed a renovation (I thought it was fine). He would spend entire evenings in there & achieve nothing but copious post it notes with lists) it took him months!! I couldn't use the shower for a couple of months which meant traipsing down 2 flood to the other room with a guest ensuite. I couldn't move to that room as it was 'her parents room' when they came to stay, frequently. Then I'd use another bathroom with a rubbish shower)

He did fo a beautiful job, but months & months!!

Does DH require your help/praise constantly or does he work away 'solo'??

Do you agree on what needs doing & in what order?

Are there things/areas/rooms you can get in by yourself?

if I were you I'd choose a room I could get on with largely by myself & knowing I'd feel a sense of achievement when it was done. A room I could retreat to & enjoy. choose a room that isn't 'expensive' to do (bedroom rather than kitchen/bathroom) and if you decide you don't like it, you can just repaint it later. No huge pressure to 'get it right'

it's hard to know without knowing what rooms you have & what state they're in.

maybe see your GP & get some bloods done? It could be mental and physical!!

We’ve just finished our third fixer-upper - they’ve all been done for us to live in, and whilst living in them as much as possible.

This time, with the benefit of experience, even with one of us retired and highly competent at DIY, and one of us working part time and being a keen gardener and reasonable DIYer, we allowed ourselves 2 - 3years after the trades left for the rest. We’ve attempted it faster before, and it always felt like it was taking too long (don’t know why, we have no real deadlines) and it’s caused rows and stress, and a few times we’ve wished we’d done something differently.

This time, it’s been lovely. We did a quick cheap job on our living room, so we had somewhere to hide from the chaos (knowing we could change it without angst later), and then got a real feel for the house and garden and how we used it, how the light changed over the seasons and so on. No artificial deadlines, no pressure, much more relaxing, much les physically and mentally exhausting.

@Dreadmilly I hope it's helpful!
I've lived in my house for over 5 years and it's taken me this long to figure out the lighting in each room, how it changes throughout the seasons, and the type of decor that works with that.
I've made loads of (expensive) mistakes. It's taken me this long to figure out I can't live in dark interiors. I love how they look in theory (and on Instagram!) but I find them oppressive in my own house. It's taken me quite a few cans of paint to come to that conclusion.
So yes, take your time! You're not meant to have all the answers at once 😄

Sorry to hear that you feel broken. Maybe you are just getting over the stress of the move? It can be so stressful to buy a place.
I don’t think 6 months is long and there’s no rush anyway. Please try to go easier on yourself and don’t worry about the property needing work. You will get there when you feel ready, but that may not be for a few more months.

exact same as me. House is beautiful garden is gorgeous. First home in the UK after years of renting. The first month we moved in, kids and all I took a week off just to deal with the moving stuff. I had nearly no energy to do any of it (kept blaming it on having to care for the kids) and couldn't understand why. Turns out i had hypothyroidism and couldn't get anything done (still can't but at least now I know and have managed my expectations re the house). Do you think its an underlying medical issue?

As for the house it will come together in time I promise. Take your work and split it into manageable chunks. Then divide it by need first (do you NEED or just want it, eg is it a broken shower or an ugly floor - the former you need, the latter you could make do with but can fix eventually to what you want). Then split THAT list by budget -- which of your needs can you afford first?

Trust me, I am in the exact same boat as you. No energy, but high expectations of myself and it drove me crazy because I kept letting myself down with tehse expectations.

Instagram reels are toxic at times like these. They gloss over all the difficult bits and showcase the beauty and sped up reels, giving us a false sense of where everyone should be living. Shelve those reels and Pinterest ideas for another time and tackle what you can, when you can. Happy to chat over DM for empathy/support!

I always find task lists help when the job is so massive.

So step back and look at what needs doing and what you want to do.

Go room by room and write down a list on one side "needs doing" eg woodwork painting and "nice extras" eg pick pictures and plants.

Once all the rooms have their lists, sit with dh and decide which he will sort and which you will sort. Then he can do his 20 hours work on 1 of his tasks and you can tick yours off more quickly. And he doesn't get to say no if you sort a handyman for your jobs.

It'll take months to work through, but lists are good!

You don't even have to do room by room. You might pick something like "sand and paint windowsills" and work you way over a few weeks round all the windowsills in the house.

If you are so tired all the time I would go to your GP. Get checked out for basic things that can cause tiredness, low vitamin D or B, thyroid, iron etc. It is worth it, just in case it is physical.
Do you think there is any possibility you could be depressed. Sometimes this manifests itself as tiredness. You saying the house was wasted on you made me wonder. I think you may have some very harsh self talk going on.

Also have a highly functioning partner with autism. Getting him to do things he doesn't want to do or doesn't feel confident doing is like pulling teeth. It's mentally absolutely exhausting. Get him to plan a round the world trip? One evening. Get him to call someone about a refund because we were overcharged? Three months and counting.

My new approach is telling him we are going to do one little chore that has been nagging at me each weekend, then he at least knows he has the freedom of most weekends without chores. We are slowly chipping away at the list, it's working. I have also made a point of making sure we go somewhere every other weekend because our current house gets us down. So it's not a commitment to chores every weekend. I think this helps him. Even if it's just to a duck pond!

Could the OCD type behaviour be a lack of confidence?

At some point, you might need to have a conversation about 'this is taking too long and it's making me terribly unhappy and I know you want to do it, but can we just spend a bit of money a little bit at a time to take some pressure off you and make me a bit happier.'

And you have my sympathy. Personally my life is like project managing a four year old child who only remembers exciting things (ADHD). But, he is worth it.