To find it hard to compromise on a house (FTB with DC)

[BettyBoopBetty]

I am going to sound very nasty to some so let me write a disclaimer. I completely know how lucky we are to even just be able to consider buying a property in the South East (London border) these days and we are by no means struggling.
That said, I am finding it hard to think we'll have to compromise on a property we don't love.

We are FTB but not that young (DH is 42, I am 37) and we have 1 DC, so the house we'd be looking to buy won't be somewhere too temporary, we'd like it to be either our "forever" home or somewhere where we can live for many years. We both commute to London most days of the week and don't have family support so we need to live somewhere in the outskirts of the city, which obv means £££. Because we are FTB, we "only" have our deposit but no equity and childcare fees mean we are not able to stretch to our maximum borrowing potential (which, with today's rate, would be ridiculously expensive anyway). Our mortgage will be much higher than our current rent due to expensive rates and I think we will only be able to afford either a modest 2 bed terraced or a 2 bed garden flat.
I struggle with the idea that this will be our forever home but I also understand how I just have to adapt and compromise. I wonder if any of you have been in a similar situation: what did you end up doing? How did you come to terms with it?

I should add that the reason why I don't think we'll be able to upgrade is that our salaries are not due to increase massively and DH is planning to set up his own freelance business in a few years time so we wouldn't be able to get an even higher mortgage.

If that's what you can get, then that's what you can get. Is it worth examining the reasons it doesn't feel like enough? Because you grew up in a bigger house, for example? Or you know people with bigger houses? Do they have different priorities maybe?

We lived in a flat in the SE with one DC. It was absolutely fine tbh, and meant we could live walking distance to lots of good stuff. Then our priorities changed, and we moved to the NE to be nearer family and afford a bigger house.

It sounds like you're prioritising keeping your current jobs and living near London. Absolutely reasonable priorities to have. Could you decide to see that as your choice rather than something you're being forced into?

Good luck finding somewhere great, I'm sure you will.

@CastleTower you make an excellent point in saying I need to analyse the reasons.

I suppose the main reason is that I feel we "should" be giving our DC a spacious family home to grow in and most of of friends and colleagues either live in much bigger properties or are in 2 beds and planning to upgrade soon.

I grew up in a small apartment (not in the UK) so am ok with not having a 4 bed house but would definitely like spacious rooms, more storage than what we have now and a garden.

I always tell people to be careful what they compromise on. That fantastic sparkly new house , with the amazing kitchen etc eventually becomes just a house like the one ur living in now. And then all ur left with is ur compromise. So make sure u can really live with the compromise.

You'd need to be more specific about area, budget, commute/work, plans for any more DC etc but generally I think it helps to think of a property search like this as a series of sliding scales. Budget - probably quite fixed unless you wait for your childcare costs to ease up, or try to cut back spending quite radically.
Area - schools? Train stations on particular lines to work/family? Would you want to stay in your current area at all costs, or open to shifting to somewhere else with good schools/amenities/transport links? Minimum size/space requirements? Can you do work / happy to live in a do-er upper or plan to extend into the loft or garden years down the line? And so on.

I think with London you can drive yourself mad looking at everything from poky high-rise flats somewhere central to detached plots in rural Kent. Think of your and your DH's highest priorities and go from there.

We were dead-set on our daughter staying at her school, and wanted space as a priority. Ended up buying a 1940s house rather than (like most of the stock around us) a Victorian terrace with a narrow hallway. It's not lovely but it was in budget! And the view out the window is good .

We have already chosen 1 or 2 areas to focus on based on key factors for us:

• commute
• schools
• areas we like
• closeness to our network of friends as being expacts with a child and no family nearby is hard enough

We moved from a beautiful town centre terrace in leamington spa with 3 bedrooms when the 3 DC were toddlers to a huge 5 bedroom barratt box on an estate. I would give anything to have not done that. We should have made it work.

The box is worth 20% more than we paid for it in 2006, the town centre house 100% more

My DB and his DW are currently in the same predicament with 1 DC and one on the way.

If they move further out to near DM and me they’d get a house but longer commute, their other areas in SE London they’d be lucky to get a house so prob have to be garden flat.

as at @TheWayTheLightFalls what they’ll get in way of house will be 1940s house rather than Victorian (me and DM have Victorian me cottage and DM large terraced house). In fact most couples in our area have 1940s semis which have been extended/loft conversions.

I’d say if you can do it and want to then a do-et upper could be a choice but depends on work! A friend of mine years ago got a Victorian terraced house in battersea which was divided into flats and was a real project, she’s an architect though. It’s now a stunning house.

Friend got the Battersea house cheaply but only because no one else (apart from property developers) wanted it. She was lucky she knew good tradespeople too.

Personally I'd move away from the idea of a 'forever home', I've never understood that. Prioritize your requirements, and look for a property that suits you now and for the next 5 years at least. Don't compare yourself to others, honestly I don't think kids care that much where they live. Don't assume those living in massive houses are happy. More important you can afford your mortgage payments so there is stability for your family.

We wouldn't have the budget for a full renovation project, we'd be spending all our money on the house purchase and then our mortgage will be much higher than current rent due to high rates and high prices.

@3BSHKATS I am very sorry about that, I hope you find a way to enjoy your big home eventually <3

The house is long gone, divorce saw to that.

I guess my point was just a nice affordable comfy home you can pay off quickly is 100% better and in a good location will serve you better financially long term.

These boxes are 10 a penny, in yhe arse end of nowhere and the first to drop in value in the event of any blips, given they were over priced to begin with.

Be happy with what you have, make it work is my advice.