Shall we move area and if so where?

[MDB85]

We currently live near Esher in Surrey, we have a 3.5 bed house (4th bedroom is TINY) with a smallish garden. My husbands commute is 35 mins door to door and he is in the office nearly full time (works from home every other Friday) I am on mat leave with our 3rd child, our other 2 children are 2 and 4 and we have made the decision that I will take a career break for the foreseeable future.

We are wondering if we should take a leap now and move areas to somewhere much further away from London. Obviously there are various pros and cons to this, the biggest con being my husband living in London during the week and only coming home on weekends. We already own a flat in London that he would live in so we would lose the £15k rental income but this is not a problem. We would want to remain within a 2.5 hour commute to London by train, near decent state primary schools and would want to substantially upsize for this to be viable.

2 questions; would you remain in a smaller house closer to London or make the leap and move? If we moved, any idea on nice areas to look at? We would want a 5 bed, 2 or more bathrooms, decent downstairs living space including a playroom, utility room, study and a garage. Our budget for a move would be £1.1m … is this size of house even possible with this budget?

Tbh I can't imagine my dh being with us for the weekends only, so personally, I'd rather be in a smaller house with everyone in it.

Is the only reason you want to move further away from London because you want a bigger house? Or are there other reasons?

Can’t you sell the rental flat and use to get a bigger house in the area you currently are in (or within a reasonable commute to London?) or is that not an option? Agree that only seeing DH at weekends may not be ideal long term, but up to you obviously!

Are you going to be moving near to friends or family or will you be completely alone?

For me personally, I'd rather stay together in a smaller house than be isolated and be practically a single parent. But you may see it completely differently, but make sure you consider the fact that you'll be completely on your own all week, what impact will this have long term?

My husband worked away when ours were small and I really resented it. In the end we decided the extra money wasn't worth it. We almost split up as I felt exhausted with the day to day while he sat watching tv in a hotel room and going out for dinner. It obviously wasn't easy for him either and I knew that but I couldn't help but feel he had it easy.

I would stay in Esher and have husband be with you. My husband could never be away from the kids for that amount of time and in a blink of an eye they’ll be teenagers. I also could not imagine how I would cope with 3 kids under 4 without my husbands help and he isn’t even a very hands on dad. But having him do simple things like watch the kids whilst I cook or load the dishwasher whilst I bath the kids or even just to have a grown up to talk to at the end of the day keeps me sane. In your shoes I’d sell the flat in London and get a bigger house in Esher or a little further out but not 2.5hrs away

2.5 hours to London is loads - you could be in Bath, Bristol, Cardiff, Birmingham, East Midlands... You'd get a mansion with that budget.

But living with three kids alone during the week while DH is in London will be tough. We did it pre pandemic and it was hard on everyone. Much better now it's mostly WFH.

You could get an enormous house 2.5 hours from London absolutely no problem at all with that budget, but do you really want to be on your own with 3x young DC?

You could get a 5bed house in a nice are for that in Essex, 30 minutes from London.

Big renovated 6 bed detached in nice part of Bath for 900k - 1hr 22 on train to London

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/134799233#/?channel=RES_BUY

Yes it would mainly be to get a much bigger house and a bit of a change of lifestyle. We have no family in the UK so that is not a factor, I have some friends in this area but I didn’t grow up around here so they are mums that I have met through my children in the last few years. I hate the idea of not seeing my husband during the week but actually he is normally out the house 13 or 14 hours a day anyway (6.30am until 8pm) so he doesn’t really help with the kids in the week anyway and as I am breastfeeding, I do all the night wake ups. He also travels regularly.

I guess as the kids grow up, they will go to bed later and see him more during the week so this is something to consider. In this area I feel like we’re stuck in a “keeping up with the Joneses” rat race … everyone has ridiculous amounts of money and I’m a bit sick of it. I’d just like to spend weekends going for walks or going to the beach and have a bit of a simpler life. This might be naive thinking though!

I know what you mean about keeping up with the joneses in certain areas. That’s why we moved to east London!

In all seriousness, could you not find a good balance of the walks / beach / simpler life in one of the Home Counties? Your budget is very reasonable. Your area of London/Surrey is one of the most expensive areas and plenty of other nice areas near London that will be far cheaper to enable you to have a property you like with a lifestyle you like!

How about the south coast, Hampshire or Sussex. The New Forest is expensive, but the area around Chichester or further east would get you a bigger house, access to the sea, South Downs, Brighton or Southampton for shopping. Trains to London Bridge or Victoria (I think).

Other than the speed into London is there anything in particular you like about Esher and would want to replicate in the new place? Do you want access to restaurants/bars/supermarkets or are you looking for something more rural?

We're moving out of SW London next year to move to York for similarish reasons. You'd get a very good sized house there without having to compromise on the amenities and schools are excellent. Trains are often under 2 hours.
this as an example

@MDB85 come to somerset lovely- and here in Bath, Bradford on Avon (wilts border) or Frome you will still get a lovely house, lots going on , good shopping, great schools and a nice friendly mix of people and fantastic scenery and walks- plus very regular trains to London - can't give you the beach on your doorstep though I admit!! My H goes to London every 10 days and drives . Your kids won't thank you if you go somewhere deadly just for a Manor House etc.

Apart from distance and transport links, what sort of lifestyle are you looking for? And what other sort of amenities?

Even just down the road from you and very handy for London you could get something like this- between Guildford and Godalming that fits your criteria

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/134484521#/?channel=RES_BUY

I think if you hardly see your DH during the week anyway it’s a great idea. But think carefully about what you want: town, country, coast etc. What kind of culture do you want? If you don’t like the culture in Esher you will find a lot of the Home Counties similar. Sounds like you need somewhere fairly laid back, but with enough in-comers that you’ll be able to build a support network. You will get a lot of value for money in Suffolk or Norfolk, much more than the West Country. Norwich to London is 2h. Might be helpful to say which rail terminal is best for your DH?

@MDB85 I guess what you are saying is overall you want somewhere a bit less gin and jag as we used to call it- and a bit more real, but the luxury of a whopping house. I totally get that

Besides somerset that I've suggested I would also look at Winchester - nice and upmarket but stuff to do, nice walks and not that far a drive to coast - I'm not sure if you are wanting what I call huge Manor House type character stuff or large but modern or are open minded- but something like this is in the right budget - yes it has lots of well off people still but maybe a different vibe altogether to Esher.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/131472056

What part of London does he need to get to for work? That would determine which direction you look in. Either way 2.5hrs train into London opens up much of the UK, but for me having 3 kids and a weekend only husband would be a no go. Was it his suggestion?

My worry here would be that by moving further out, you are in effect 'cementing in' the situation in which he has nothing to do with the kids during the week.

Right now he works long hours, yes; but he's only half an hour (ish) from home. So there is at least some flexibility in that model, should someone be ill or need an emergency pick-up or anything like that.

If you moved two-plus hours away you wouldn't have that. You'd be totally on your own, with three kids.

It all depends how present you (as a family unit) want and need him to be. And how much you're prepared to sacrifice for a bigger house, which is just another way of keeping up with the Joneses, if you look at it a certain way.

@JuneShitfield Yep- I see that too - which is why I suggested something like the house near Guildford/ Godalming that I posted if you want a bigger house --but a change of scene. Guildford has a good vibe too-and a lot of good stuff on your doorstep including very nice countryside. That way he could commute but also could stay up just a couple of nights to cut it down too if he wanted. It's hard going OP with 3 kids on your own and no immediate friends or family on doorstep in an emergency. Yes you would get a much bigger house in Norfolk or Leicestershire or Wiltshire etc but without a support network at all. You can go elsewhere in surrey , north Hants or Bucks say and still get a great house for that budget plus a change of scene.

If you want character something like this is in budget too in Haslemere

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/133761248#/?channel=RES_BUY

If you're prepared to suffer the indignity of telling people you live 'near Croydon', you don't have to go far to get more for your money - have a look at areas like Purley, Sanderstead, Kenley, Caterham. Esher is particularly expensive within the commuter belt and if it's not doing it for you then there's nothing holding you there!

Your budget would go a lot further in these areas, and it's still a good commute so your DH would be home every night.

As an example of properties:

5 bed, 3000sq ft - www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/131960573

5 bed, 2,200sq ft - www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/130548902

4 bed - www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/129789206

You'd rather have a bigger house than have your DH home every night?

I feel quite sad for him tbh.

My Dsis & Bil did this, she moved with the children to a nice area up north, he lived in London. He had an affair and they split up. Now a lot of that will be due to the kind of person bil was, but being on his own every evening while colleagues go home to families is lonely.