Location v dream home

[Millylovespuddles]

WWYD .... this issue is currently causing DH and I a huge amount of stress, in fact, probably one of the biggest challenges of our marriage.

We currently live in a very desirable street, think cul de sac with 22 homes, sweeping tree lined road down to a river, all homes are individually designed and big. We have a three storey, 3000 Sq ft home, but with smallish awkward garden. Obviously , we have high utility and rates bills. Also, most of the time it is just the 2 of us as our 3 DC live/study away. We are late 50's.

For years, for downsizing I wanted to build an efficient, smaller home with certain features I've always wanted - integral garage, office (we have a business and have a mountain of paperwork in many rooms) and a lovely level garden.

Long story short, we bought a 30's bungalow about 5 years ago in a central, quirky location. It has been rented up till a few months ago while getting PP etc. But, DH doesn't like the look of the street and wants to stay here.

I like my home, but don't want to live here when I'm 70! I want to prepare for an easier home to live in during my older years, with downstairs bedroom if necessary. I think we should move now to avoid the hassle of downsizing when it would be a much bigger upheaval.

Of course, aware that costs have risen so much lately, DH says it's not now economically feasible as the new house would never be good value in a less desirable street. He loves where we live and wants to stay. The new build would be approx one mile from current location.

But if feel my dream home is slipping away....

Thoughts please, maybe I need some perspective?

I think you are both right, in truth.

Yes, it makes sense to downsize when you are young enough to have the energy to do it and not wait until you "need to" but he is also right that the location is incredibly important and one of the most important things when you are looking where to buy.

Obviously none of know what difference that mile makes. Where I live, there are roads I would love to live and roads I wouldn't particularly choose to live within a far shorter distance than a mile from each other.

Is 'central, quirky location' EA speak for 'dodgy but near the big city'?
What is the relevance of the 'new house' being good value if it's going to be your post-retirement home?
Presumably you're not going to sell it, but your current home. So its value doesn't matter.
Even if it doing it up is a waste of money that'll be your children's problem with less inheritance, not yours.

I don’t think you can make your DH move there if he doesn’t like the area. Could you sell the other house and then use the money to make your existing house work better- i.e shut off the upper floors with base level heating, move a bedroom downstairs, make an accessible downstairs shower room and landscape the garden? It’s likely that this would all add value to the house anyway so wouldn’t be a waste if you did need to move anyway eventually.

I don’t think I’d want to move to a “quirky” area from where you are either, and don’t underestimate the misery that can be inflicted by one antisocial neighbour.

If I was choosing where to retire, location would be extremely important as you wouldn't want to end up moving again due to not enjoying the area. Likewise I wouldn't want to stay in a huge three storey house though!
I'd look for something else. Could you not sell your current home, then temporarily move into the bungalow while looking for the right new house in the right location, you'd then be a chain free buyer?

Sell both of them and look fa smaller house in a better location.

Could you sell your rental and invest in your home? Are you able to access any grants to improve it's efficiency?

I think to many people, fifties feels early for downsizing to a bungalow. Would delaying by say 10 years work for both of you?

Sell both and buy somewhere that will suit you better as you age in the area you are currently living in (and love)

Sell the bungalow and continue to look for the right retirement property that you both love.

The dream house doesn't sound too dreamy - surely you can make one of the rooms in the current house into an office and an integral garage is an odd one to be dreaming about. The level garden is the only thing that I can see the appeal of but not enough to swap the current lovely location for a 'quirky', less desirable area. Sounds like your DH doesn't share your dream now it comes down to it or at least like you need to find another place that suits both of you.

It's quite a thing to build your own place - does that have to be part of it? Does he want to go through that in reality, or is it just the bungalow location that's the sticking point? I wonder if you'd have the papers all over the house no matter where you live, if you already have plenty of space and live that way.

Sounds like you need to talk about it all in a very grounded, realistic way now, not so much about dreams but about what's truly going to work for you both. There's no shortage of funds, given that you've bought the next place before selling the existing one, so I've no doubt you can find a good solution here. But you can't be holding onto the dream if it's going to end up being a nightmare.

It's good to hear other opinions, it's hard to get the perfect answer.
The bungalow is in a lovely area, just not the prettiest of streets - think 1940's and 50's bungalows, that are slowly be bought and renovated. It is right by a park, a river, historic buildings that are turning into restaurants and bijou businesses. It is about 10 mins walk to the town centre, so would need minimal bus route accessibility.
FWIW, this is partly fuelled by the idea that I want to streamline my life a little. I am nearly at the end of sorting/selling/decluttering my mother's house, and the thought that my kids will have to do this is not one bit appealing!
I strive to be a minimalist, but my hoarding tendencies take over!
Also, we plan spending about half of the year in Spain, so I want to be able to 'lock up and leave' without much hassle.

Sounds lovely OP - if you don't want it anymore sell it to me :)
What exactly does your DH dislike about it?

@PomTiddlyPom he says he has worked hard for years and feels our current street is one of the best streets in town, where he should be at this point in life. Granted, it is lovely and grand and full of doctors, lawyers and business folk. but I also say we have been here 17 years, so we can still have a lovely (brand new home, with everything we want) in a more ordinary looking street that I think will be lovely in time.

The new home won't be tiny, 2200 Sq ft, so downsizing to a more realistic size.

I see.
Thing is, he's not wrong to want what he wants. Both of you have worked hard for it. And as a PP have said your late 50's is still young.. you have close to a decade of working life left.
Because the new house is so near, I don't think it'd be a problem for you to downsize.

I think the main issue here is - do you want to spend that money on 'doing it up' to rent out. Or do you have to move in once done? Of course being an LL is a financial risk but if you can afford it, not bad rather than leave the property vacant. Maybe short-term like a holiday let, if the city has events, weddings, etc?

TBH the extra detail makes it sound like this isn't a location vs house issue, it sounds like you both have very different ideas of what you want...

it sounds like you want practicality and your husband is focused on status? would/could the home abroad give him that feeling??

@PomTiddlyPom difficulty is that we can't just do it up and rent out again without major investment. There is subsidence and the tenants left it in a chronic state, which was ok when we we going to tumble it anyway!
But now, after years of 'going with the plan', DH wants to move the goalposts and stay put.
I don't want to tackle a project like this in our late 60's, makes sense to do it when we have the energy. He is also saying I couldn't possible take on such a project as the stress will be simply too much.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all tbh, and sad.

OK FWIW I think that the bungalow sounds really nice and I can see why you want to go there. And I also agree that you want to get the project done now. What’s your DH’s plan- other than just staying where you are? Does he think you can afford to heat and maintain the house for the next 50 years? Is that what he thinks you should be spending your money on (bearing in mind that prices will continue to rise and you’re likely to need more, not less help i.e. gardeners). Also what if one of you was ill or had mobility issues, what’s his plan then?

He can of course have views but he’s got to be able to suggest how his preference might work practically. And he’s got to take into account your preference too. I agree as well that he’s being massively patronising saying you can’t handle the stress as a reason, you sound very competent and enthusiastic about the project to me.

I wonder if he’d change his mind once the house was “done”. But it’s high risk. Could you afford to do a bit of a superficial reno, you move there and wait for him to change his mind (only half joking!).

The only other thing I would say is that you sound a bit scarred about de-cluttering your mums place- it is possible though to have a big house without loads of clutter! So you could do that anyway if you decided to stay (clear attics and outbuildings, empty unused rooms etc). For me it would more be about keeping the place in a decent state and being comfortable, plus spending all your money on that rather than holidays and fun things!

Wow. This is really difficult. Sounds like has his dream home, and now the move is becoming a reality, he just doesn’t want to do it. Maybe also he doesn’t want to accept yet that old age is coming. Is it possible he agreed because it was your dream, and something that felt far into the future for him? Would it be possible to do the house now, but not to move in for another 10 years? Although, that would only work if he really felt able to move. Does he want to declutter or is he attached to what is his home and his memories? What do your kids think? I know it isn’t their decision but if they aren’t ready to say goodbye to their family home, that might also be why he isn’t?