Brother living in inherited house, banning sibling from visiting, probate

[GudrunM]

Hi...

My father died last year, left his house (no mortgage) equally between his 3 offspring , with my sister 53 and brother 42 as executors. My brother has never left the family home, and has I think only worked maybe 3 years in his life, when he was around 20...has never studied, volunteered or travelled. Not sure what he does with his life actually... nothing criminal, not an alcoholic, etc....just a bit of a loner. He also was not my Dad´s carer as my Dad was very healthy and able up until his death.

Thing is, my Dad left a little note, signed by himself ( not as part of his will) stating that my brother can ´stay in the house, rent free, only paying household bills, for as long as he wants´!!

My sister & I are pretty sure throughout his life, he barely contributed anything for rent to my Dad, or to cover bills...so of course he is taking full advantage of this continued rent free situation ( lovely, 3 bed semi, with a garage and garden) , and banned us from the home since 3 weeks after the funeral. He calls it ´his home!´

A solicitor has already said the note is not legally valid, but my sister and I decided to honour Dad´s wishes for a ´while´, ideally 1 year, to give our brother time to find his direction & find his own , 1st home, something not so difficult, as we are set to inherit around 100 thousand each from Dad´s house.

He also started a legal case against my sister, stating he cannot complete probate, as she lied about not owing Dad any money. (not true) The brother has spent almost 1 year now, searching around Dad´s rather muddled financial receipts, looking for any scrap of paper that may suggest any loans took place, even going back to 2004!.... He seems to hold some kind of vendetta against my sister, as she often tried to gently bring up when visiting, his lack of ambition, travel, work, even volunteering....and also not paying rent.

The younger brother states that attempting to visit him , in his home would be seen as ´harrassment & intimidation`!!

I can honestly say that Dad would be weeping, to see how things are, not even 1 year after his passing!

My sister has a husband , both working full time, and 2 children, just starting Uni.

I live in a small, rented place, have always worked too, often 2 jobs, and travel a lot.

For us both, this amount of money could make a massive difference in our lives, but we are equally frustrated and at a loss of what to do, without destroying what relationship we may have still, or being seen as vultures.

Plus, I don´t know how he handles real life, and stress, etc...but he seems to be happily prolonging everything for the sake of it, with the solicitor case against my sister, etc.

The main and deeply upsetting thing is what my brother has become....and that we can´t visit my late Dad´s home, for memories and to handle our grieving processes...
When I write sweetly to him, or send gifts, he mainly just ignores me.
Does anyone have any ideas how to progress? Thanks!!!!

I think you have to accept that you will not have a good relationship with him. He thinks what belongs to you is really his. You aren’t going to fix that. He doesn’t care, either. Just wants what he wants.

I would proceed with legal action, and get him out of there.

Id try and force a sale. Screw him

thanks for your message, really??!! how can one person apply if the other executor opposes it?

Can I ask, did you do this as an executor yourself? What evidence did you have to provide? Was it a costly process? Our family are also stuck in this situation.

He’d be better of surrendering the house and using that £100k he will inherit to buy a smaller property. It sounds like your DF’s property is too big for him and the household bills will be expensive. As he is not working, he won’t be able to get a mortgage so could just be a cash buyer or rent a property?
The letter isn’t legal as far as I’m aware (but I’m not a solicitor) - so you want to get that clarified asap. Who’s to say that your brother has not made your father do that when he was under medication? I think you and your siblings have been reasonable by giving him a year, but now is the time to sell it.
Can you not arrange to have a meeting with a mediator present if necessary?

@Binjob118 Yes I was an executor although my brother tried to hide this fact. No costs involved as I did it myself and went to court in person. It was simple. I rang the local probate court or whatever it was called. Can't remember now. But rang and made an appointment and had filled in some forms which I had downloaded from the court.

I also got probate granted on the basis that the estate was worth within the transferable allowance. (There's a much simpler form for smaller estates which is very easy to fill out.)

There is loads of information on the government website gov.uk about administering a will and getting probate, including what to do about executors who are not fulfilling their duties and having them removed.

thanks for another viewpoint. we´re not kicking him out, far from...but I will admit our good nature regarding the simple note has waned since he started a legal case against my sister 1 week before Christmas , looking for even more money from a will, and more upsetting is the fact that he banned us from visiting our Dad´s home as soon as 1 week after the funeral. Would you say that´s in my Dad´s wishes??
Is it moral for a 42 year old to live simply from the legacies of dead relatives? Shouldn´t an able bodied adult work and contribute to society, not just to earn money but to give back and to serve? Do you think that´s what my parents wished for him?
And just because your parent says you CAN live rent free for as long as you want...would you? or should you grow some balls and make a life for your own and man up?! just athought, but thank you for the alternative view. Good to know how other people may view things, especially if it goes to court xx

He isn’t going to change the current situation, as all his bills and expenses are still coming out of your father’s accounts/money. He will string it out as long as possible as it is to his financial benefit.

The other Executor needs to (somehow, I have no experience at this aside from what is happening in my family) get records of all accounts/utilities/pensions/direct debits/etc in your father’s name. Your brother is trying to suck as much money as he can before all is settled.

Let him know that any monies taken from your father’s accounts/etc after his death will be deducted from his portion of the inheritance/sale of house. He doesn’t get to skim off everything he can and then get a third of the pitiful remains…..

Thank you for your thoughtful answer...yes, this is exactly what we wish for him. I only wish I´d had that kid of money at that age ( obviously not through these circumstances...) I´ve rented all my life.
We asked nicely for mediation, well my sister did...and got told she couldn´t write him anymore, and it was a clear no to mediation, and any communication could only be made through his solicitor!
I give up! I don´t know what happened to this lad
we have to somehow get probate done 1st....he´s blocked probate. he sure as hell is trying everything to get as much time rent free as he can.
Thing is, he´s smacked himself in the face....before the legal case and denying us visits or keys to Dad´s house, we were happy to give him more time in the house, more time to sort himself out, even 3 or 4 years.....but now, obviously my sister wants to sell the house immediately. he brought it on himself right? it could´ve been so sweet, so normal, siblings supporting each other...

I'm not in the UK, but where I am, the bank froze the account of the deceased when they were notified of the death. Even the executor couldn't access the money without specific approval from the bank until probate was completed - at that time the executor's expenses were reimbursed from the estate before disbursements. If that is the case where you are, it might speed things up if your brother was no longer able to access your father's money.

My dh and his brother were named joint executors and would have had to have both signatures on everything except his brother was willing to renounce his role & signed the doc stating this. One executor could not just choose to act alone. And you can't just ignore that it needs to be done. I hope you get things sorted -I'd be contacting a lawyer sooner rather than later, as you want to ensure he doesn't run through the remaining $ and leave the estate owing $. I'd be annoyed about the fees but something is better than nothing.

How about telling his solicitor that he can remain but you’ll be charging a monthly fee: Market rate to let a similar home with him paying you 1/3 and your sister 1/3 and him responsible for all upkeep?

hey, thanks for the suggestion...thought about this as my sister suggested it, but i said we are either letting him stay and honouring Dad´s little note...or we are selling up, and sharing , according to the will. For me there´s no middle ground.

That makes sense and I do think it’s best to be cut and dry about it.

And I’m sorry about the whole thing. I have a brother that failed to launch like this and I know it’s heartbreaking and baffling.

By the sounds of things he wouldn't be able to afford rent if he's not working. Would you also be confident that he would pay each month?

I think you need to bite the bullet and get legal advice to force a sale. It will probably mean that your relationship with him will be damaged, probably irreversibly, but I also suspect if you gave him what he wanted he'd not want a relationship with you anyway.

That house is for all of you, not just your brother, it's what your mum wanted and, as you said in your op, this could be a life changing amount for you all

we´re not kicking him out, far from... it does sound like your aim is to make him leave the house, what's the difference?

As for the rest, I didn't know your dad but can only assume like most parents he wanted the very best for his children. I'm guessing he wouldn't like his son to be isolated, he would like you all to get along and be happy.

Your brother sounds, to me, as if he's isolated and possibly has issues to deal with. You have described obsessive type behaviours. The lifestyle you describe him as having does not seem typical or healthy. And generally not what a parent wishes for their child, no.

You want him to 'man up'. What if he is not able to? What happens then?

I don't know him at all of course, maybe he is just a lazy sod. But I have some experience of people who live in this way and often there are serious MH issues at the back of it. At the moment I can understand why he feels harassed and intimidated by you and your sister. I can also understand why you feel so frustrated and I really hope you can work things out in a way that's good for you all.

not at all...we agreed to give him time, years in the house. Why does it sound as if my question is just about getting him out of the house, so we can sell it, and get our share?....honestly would like to know because I don´t want it to look like that... I need to know if I´m playing it wrong.

If it was purely that, then of course I know already that I can easily apply to get him taken off as executor, I can employ a solicitor, get probate approved, and I know that it only takes one person to force the sale of the house....
If that was what I wanted, I wouldn´t be writing here, looking for advice or thoughts!
The main questions are....how can he ban us from our Dad´s house?
How can he cruelly start a legal case against my sister, from scraps of paper ...without her as 2nd executor allowed access to the same ´financial records´??

And should we just forget things? Just let him wallow in his dead Dad´s house, or how do we salvage some kind of relationship with our brother?

What about us? Aren´t we allowed to grieve thoroughly?
He took over communication with the headstone company? Told them they were only to deal with him.

He wouldn´t give us details of the house insurance, said he didn´t have to tell us ( of it was easy to find out)
He´s being ridiculously immature, cruel and petty.
Should we just OK it, because he´s maybe vulnerable?

I didn´t mean man up cruelly....but there comes a point where you have to find your balls and stop being a victim.

@GudrunM Your brother has totally disengaged. He has said that any communication to him must go via his solicitor. So he has clearly instructed one.

However, your sister is joint executor, so he cannot act unilaterally.

The "little note" your father left is not part of your father's Last Will and Testament. Who knows under what circumstances he wrote it, and given your brother's unreasonable behaviour, it is entirely possible that it was written under duress.

If I were you, I would make an appointment with a solicitor for you and your sister to take advice about forcing the administration of the estate in accordance with your father's Will.

Because your sister is joint executor, she can instruct and stipulate that all legal costs will be met by your late father's estate. So your brother will be on notice that the longer this drags out, the less money will be left.

There is no other way to resolve the issue. So best make a start and get it over with as soon as possible.

@GudrunM he can’t ban the other executor from the property.

There are some factors to consider:

• If the house value increases there will be CGT to pay, reducing the inheritance for you all
• the house needs to be maintained, this needs to be paid for
• if the house is allowed to deteriorate, this may reduce its value reducing the inheritance to you all
• any legal action will cost money and reduce the inheritance for you all
• the longer you are kind and wait for your brother to engage with the probate process the harder it will be to finally resolve this. It can drag on for years.

Your DS as the other executor needs to get legal advice. The only way this will be resolved is legally, he has found a spurious reason to not talk to your DS and it is very likely he will eventually do the same to you.

Taking legal action is inevitable, and the process is normally at a sedate pace. An independent mediator may be helpful once your DS has started the legal process and can help to resolve the situation.

For those criticising the OP, remember she is also bereaved and the inheritance can help her to buy a home for her and her family. Her DB’s actions are depriving the OP of her inheritance.

@GudrunM you inform him in writing. If you start the application online it asks you to confirm that you have. I did this for MIL/DH and probate was granted in six weeks. Unfortunately I'm now trying to get BIL out of the house, which is much harder.

There's also the option of getting him removed completely as executor provided he hasn't "intermeddled ". Unfortunately BIL had done this by continuing to spend her money after she died, so it wasn't an option.

OP, I read your latest post more of a “how could he do this to our family” rather than a request for practical advice on legal next steps.

the reality is, we don’t know why. We could speculate all day, but you and your DSis are the only people here who know your DB enough to say what’s likely. So it sounds like there’s two plans you need. One is the practical and legal steps to resolve this situation, and the other is the relationship side.

if your DB has gone to “only communicate through solicitors” then he’s already blown up the bridge on his side. You can choose to leave your side standing in the event that you want to try and rebuild a relationship after all of this, but in the meantime I think you and your DSis are better off trying to accept this is where you are and work out how to move forward. I’m sorry that you’re effectively grieving the loss of your dad and loss of the relationship with your brother at the same time.

Does your brother have any history of mental illness or vulnerability?
We have a similar situation with the property next door to us. It was left in equal shares to a brother and sister. The brother was living in the house when the last parent died, the sister lives locally. He point blank refuses to sell the house and has remained in it for nearly 4 years now. It has become awfully complicated because he has a history of depression and border line personality dissorder . It seems that because of this legal routes haven't worked and his sister has just given up at the moment.

Any rent you manage to get him to pay goes to the estate, not the siblings, and will clearly affect how much you value the estate at for probate.

I'd suggest the other executors write to tell him that they are beginning the process of removing him as executor and evicting him, and that costs will b deducted from his share. Then get a solicitor.

Thanks for the message....I wouldn´t dream of asking him to pay rent, to be honest. For me , it´s either take the little note as gospel, or follow the will to the letter, no inbetween.
If it becomes known or clear that our brother is indeed vulnerable/ has mental health problems, or such like, something that we can understand why Dad would give him ´special treatment´ so to say, then I will just walk away, no awkwardness, no sulking, and try to be at peace knowing that we´re honouring what Dad apparently wrote regarding his wishes....( why he didn´t define things more clearly is another matter)
No rent, no looking after Dad´s former home( brother already calls it his) ...no helping with up-keep, bills, repairs. What happens to it is his business and at his expense.

I guess if he´s managed thus far without benefits, just íncome´ from legacies, then he can probably continue to do so until his death!

I probably won´t even wait until such clarity regarding my brother´s health or condition to swerve in this direction....I´m 52, healthy, obviously not old....but I don´t need this extra stress in my life! I work full time and have a family. I took myself out of the family( so called!) whats app group as I found the constant stress, and talk of legal cases, probate, abrupt answers, or mainly no answers...it was for me tainting the memory of my Dad, heavily disrupting my grieving process, and turning me into someone I didn´t like.

The other option is obviously if my siblings work something out amicably.

My other problem is, and I guess this more a legal question....didn´t consider it until the same thing happened to my best girlfriend...
What happens if I lose my job? I have only ever claimed benefits for less than 1 month in my life I think, & that was due to moving to Leeds to look after my Grandad...
If I have on paper only, a substantial inheritance, this would mean I can´t claim right? Obviously I would be looking for another job straightaway, but we all know how real life is... (except my brother, of course...! Joke, kinda...)

And more likely....I am on a housing list, waiting forever for a housing association flat, hopefully, maybe...
I guess I should take myself off the waiting list as I am obviously now not classed as low-income, even though I will probably never see this inheritance, I´ve resigned myself to the fact now...it´s kinda fine.
This happened to my friend, she eventually got offered a 2 bedroomed , as she has 2 kids, and was refused as her partner had inherited his parent´s renovation project/ house....even though they don´t live together!

So, my thought was to ´gift´ my third of Dad´s house to a friend....would that work? Would that be honest? Otherwise, I´m losing with all hands on this game!!!I´ve been on a waiting list for years now...
I mean is that fair though?
Thank you!!! xxx

Your inheritance won't affect your benefits until it actually hits your bank account. Same with the housing list, I wouldn't take yourself off until you actually receive the money, especially with the ongoing situation with your brother. 'Gifting' would be fraud though.

TBH a 42 year old living at home who has only worked 3 years in his life seems likely to be vulnerable to me, but if he doesn't have a diagnosis and isn't engaging with you then I'm not sure what you can do about it.

Thank you, & I hope you´re right but I fear not. I may anyway ´gift´my share to a friend....I mean, I don´t exactly need it do I?