Fighting depression after house move

[ToastEgg]

Moved house 5 weeks ago, from inner city to semi rural. Couldn't commute to work so handed in my notice, so I need to find a new job.

This has been planned for years, it's the 'dream' house, etc.

The house has way more wrong than we knew about, hidden stuff, vendors lied, I know this is common but it's horrible. It's all fixable, it'll just take time. Also was left absolutely filthy. I've cleaned it all but it still feels disgusting, it all needs sorting (new plastering, decorating, replacement skirtings etc)

But I'm fighting depression symptoms. Hopeless, exhaustion, brain fog, thoughts of not being here (wouldn't ever hurt myself though, just thoughts). I hate everything about it here, even the good bits don't register with me. It's like I've got this black filter switched on so everything is shit.

DH is autistic, he holds down a full time job but change is hard on him but he's coping. By coping, I mean spending hours and hours and hours on simple jobs. Like 5 hours vacuuming. I guess it calms him?

He also had a meltdown when I was trying to help sort his stuff (by sort, I mean just hang his clothes up, as he's been living off the floor when there's a wardrobe).

I don't know why I'm posting. :(

Sounds very tough, OP, and also sounds as if the fact that this move has involved sacrifice (you had to quit your job, your DH doesn’t deal well with change) means that there was a lot of pressure for the house to feel obviously ‘worth it’. I know it’s a cliché, but this will pass in time — our last move (international, lockdown intervened and meant we were living out of a carload of stuff for months, because we couldn’t get back to our UK house to handle the removal) nearly killed me. The house we bought was also filthy and also needed gutting, and it took me weeks to even be able to eat in it.

Would you consider talking it through with a therapist? I’ve found it very helpful for dealing with panic and overwhelm.

Thank you so much @Tryphenia for your reply, you're 100% right that there was a huge pressure for this move/house to be 'worth it', we've had a tough 10 years with infertility, bereavement, DH's diagnosis and his treatment for Army related PTSD.

The one thing that helped keep us going was talking about the 'dream house'. How amazing it will be, how it'll be worth all the stress/pain/hard times - and now we're here, it's awful, and of course it can't possibly live up to expectations.

I think therapy might be a very good idea. I've been coping with the weight of everything the past decade, I feel like the wheels have finally come off. Like I'm splintered, a bit broken.

I have been where you are. I still am to an extent.

with a move like this I would suggest doing something each day. If you think about the whole project it will be overwhelming but break it down into smaller parts and it becomes easier and you will feel like the depression isn’t quite as crippling.

so for example you might need to completely decorate a bedroom. Don’t think about that. Just aim for today you will calk around the window and door frame.

I am utterly overwhelmed, there's so much to do, every inch of the house needs work. I've never felt so powerless or useless.

Okay, I'll try and give myself a few easier jobs today to do, at the moment it's such a mammoth effort to just wash up a few plates.

This is so unlike me, I usually run half marathons a few times a week and have endless energy and enthusiasm. It all seems so pointless.

If you are in a position to would you be able to get a cleaner to do a one off deep clean? We bought our house last year and have since had so much wrong with it and I don't know where to start. I'm noticing all the smalls things that annoy me but just can't afford to do it all as quickly as I want to. It's becoming overwhelming the big and small jobs.

We have completed our front room and love it. So maybe focus on a room that you enjoy the most and do what you need to that room to make it your enjoyable space

Spring is here and you'll see the benefits of living semi rurally - make sure you get out for a couple of walks every day.

I'd start with your bedroom, make it beautiful then you've somewhere relaxing to retreat to.

Fill the house with flowers, music, nice smells and podcasts and audio books.

I know the above might seem trite when you're depressed but give them a go.

I remember your other thread and wish you luck.

I had this when we moved into our house. Like you, it had loads wrong with it - a lot of which we’re still living with! - and it had been the dream for so long that I felt flat when we moved in. I think for me part of it was no longer having that dream to strive towards. I’ve just completed a course of EMDR for cPTSD as without the striving, my underlying constant hypervigilance turned inwards and I ended up with serious physical illness (eg bleeding stomach ulcers without underlying h. Pylori bacteria and other digestive issues.)
Every morning, I start the day looking out at the countryside (we’ve got full rural!) and give myself 10 mins thinking about all the things ok that are fabulous about the house. What you focus on gets processed more deeply and becomes a bigger part of your memory/experience than it actually is. So, whilst you need to notice and plan the fixes you want to make, try and spend more time thinking of the positives.
I also agree with pp, if you can get someone in to deep clean.

You've got two projects here - one is to make the house feel like a pleasant place to live, and the other is to keep your own head above water. Don't feel that you shouldn't be investing time or money in the second just because the first is demanding them - whether that be spending on therapy, or taking time each day to go for a walk or run.

Trivial stuff can help. Like people said, focus on one room to start with (probably the one where you spend the most time) and small, achievable jobs. Make a good playlist of music. Buy bunches of daffodils, maybe some of those cheap pots of hyacinths from the supermarket and stick them outside by the front door or on the kitchen windowsill.

And remember we're just turning the corner of spring. Everything will feel better when the weather's not crap.

Making the most of the spring countryside really will help. I have just been out to feed the ducks. I sat and watched them for about 20 minutes and listened to all the other birdsong. It is a lovely start to the day and just being in the fresh air and daylight will physically alter your brain chemistry.

I've also been where you are. It was such a shock! We sold the house within 6 months and thankfully broke even and moved somewhere more suburbian.
Again, the vendor lied and she left actual dog shit indoors and all over the lawn.

We have been here 2 years now and I'm still trying to make the house feel like "home"....its just so scruffy.... winter is the hardest. But once it's Spring and Summer it begins to feel worth it again.

The isolating dark winter months really get me down and I crave city living. 😔 if only for the jobs and the people!

I have been in this situation too.
The task is so overwhelming that you don’t know how to start.

Break it down. Just one room, or corner or even cupboard at a time. When you have that bit sorted be pleased with what you have done.

My uncle used to do house clearances - the terrible hoarder type ones. His maxim was “just chip away at it- a bit at a time”.
You will get there in the end.

Isn’t it said that moving house is one of the most stressful things you can face?

Stop beating yourself up- how you feel is understandable- just get started - a bit at a time.
Good luck!

And I'm also autistic. I too have housework meltdowns. Clutter and dust causes me to shutdown / panic.

DH has realised this and now my household tasks involve repetitive soothing motions or sound and a clear end result...

Cleaning windows
Painting (I have painted the entire house. Inside and out!)
Vacuuming
Dish washing
Mowing the lawn
Moving furniture

Anything that involves mess (sanding down doors, clearing out a room, gardening with soil / plants, laying vinyl floor is a big no no!)

(When I say suburbs - I'm still 25 mins from City Centre and my garden backs onto fields)

Oh OP this was me about 15 months ago. Finally managed to get a house (that needed work) in a dream location for us - near our DC’s schools etc. I was miserable, and I mean absolutely miserable for about 8 months after we moved in. Like you the house was filthy (I genuinely don’t think they had cleaned for years), there was so much stuff the survey didn’t pick up on such as windows etc that needed replacing pretty much asap. I used to dream that I had fallen through the floorboards, the roof had blown off, we had subsidence etc etc.
I think half the battle is coming to the realisation that unless you are lucky enough to be able to do the work whilst living elsewhere, you have to live with it as it is until you get things done one by one. I had planned to sell asap however I’m still here; I walked round the other day with my initial jobs list and realised that half the stuff had already been done and bit by bit things had got better.
can you try making a list of things that need doing? 5 weeks is such a short time (although the first 5 weeks to me probably felt like 5 years), and you’ve probably not even unpacked properly. BTW we didn’t unpack properly for 4 months because there was just so much to do before we could put our stuff in, but bit by bit we are getting there. 💐

I'm in a similar house move depression, although slightly different in that we have just moved back to our house after half of it burned down last year. We had only live in it for two months when we had the fire and I never really settled here (I moved in with DH from the house I bought when I was divorced which I absolutely loved, but which was not big enough for us all)
Our house has been rebuilt and I've pretty much finished decorating it and it looks good and how I want it to. I did it all myself and I'm ours do the work and everyone has said how great it looks. However the issue is that I still don't bloody like it! I'm homesick for my old house and village every day. I love DH and I love our blended family. I just wish it could be in my old house.
I feel entitled and ungrateful but it's really getting me down.

*im proud of the work

5 weeks is very early days, though I appreciate it may not seem so right at the moment. Buying a house is stressful, and moving is exhausting, it's not the best time to make any judgements when you're tired both emotionally and physically. Try to reserve judgement if you can, and give the house a chance to get you to like it- like people, you sometimes have to give houses a bit of time before you can get used to them, and get to like them. Often the people/houses that take longer to love, and which you have to put more effort into, are more worth loving when it comes to the long term. You must have liked the house, and/or its potential, when you decided to buy it, and it is still that house. Previous owners' badly done jobs are a curse most of us have to live with- we just gradually eliminate them over time.

On a more practical level, I'm still working on our doer-upper, and I absolutely endorse the idea of making it a priority to get one room reasonably, if not completely, finished, so that you have one nice relaxing place to be where you can go and 'be' having to looks at undone jobs staring you in the face. It should also make you feel you are making your mark, as it will be done to your own taste, and you'll be able to see more how the whole thing will be when you've done it all up. Putting pictures up helps too- distracts from horrible wallpaper and makes it feel like you have taken over the house properly.