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Original poster

WWYD? Relocated and want to go back

22 replies

wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 15:00

WWYD?

In a nutshell...myself, husband and child relocated 1 hour from "home" 1 year ago.

I am trying to settle in our new location - I am doing everything I possibly can to make it feel like home- local job, meeting new people , getting involved in the community. We have a beautiful house and the area is lovely .

It's just not home and my job and people I meet, whilst positively distracting, are meaningless . I feel so sad and so resentful that we are here. I was always a bit dubious as to whether it was the right decision but agreed to it because I truly thought it was the right thing to do .

My husband works from home , I feel so isolated. I'm so wary that he is isolated too .

My husband doesn't want to move back "home"
My daughter is going into reception in September . I am so unsettled and don't know what to do with myself. I am such a sentimental person and feel like I have lost all my memories and things I love and part of my soul
WWYD?

OP posts:
ouse · 16/03/2023 15:02

Can I ask why you moved in the first place? It might help understand how you’re feeling now.

Original poster
wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 15:06

@ouse

We moved in covid times . My husband got a new job for a company 1.5 hours away.
We decided to move to "safeguard" our future in terms of when covid ends and he is needed in the office , he won't have such a long commute . Also we could get settled and not have to uproot our child when they start school.

I feel like I went wrong by trying to "protect and safeguard our future" when we had no idea what the future would look like.

In hindsight , We should have moved to a bigger house in our home town.

Husband is still working from home full time and his contract is now fully remote.

OP posts:
Wakemeup17 · 16/03/2023 15:09

Can you mova back? If yes, do it. Life is too short to live in the place you hate.

Original poster
wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 15:09

@ouse

...also, I'm finding it so hard cause I can't just do whatever to suit myself alone now- I have a child t consider. She is so shy and reserved and I feel like I've done her a disservice in wanting to move again at a time that will impact her schooling too! I get so worried about her friendships etc

OP posts:
Original poster
wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 15:11

@Wakemeup17

I so desperately want to!!!! But my husband hates talking about it and doesn't want to move back

How can I persuade him?

OP posts:
Original poster
wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 15:28

I guess I just kinda wanna know how long does it have to be to have given something "a good go"

Without looking at the exact costs, I doubt we could really afford to move again comfortably - like we did to get here.
I feel so utterly stupid!!

OP posts:
DidyouNO · 16/03/2023 16:09

I hope this may reassure you somewhat re moving your daughter, My children are army kids and as panicked as I was when they first started school it actually made them more rounded, more confident and they were all excited to move and start the next adventure. My eldest has a law degree now so it didn't affect their education either. Eldest had had 9 moves and 6 different schools.

Original poster
wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 16:30

@DidyouNO

Thank you for your comment. Hearing things like this does make me feel much better about the possibility of having to uproot and move schools.

Did you feel homesick with each move or was it just normal to you?

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 16/03/2023 16:35

I think it takes far more than a year to feel properly at home in a new place - maybe 2 or 3 years? You will also likely build more friendships and have more of a social life once your Dd starts school, especially if you go in with a positive attitude, friendly, smiley, suggesting coffees after drop off etc.

Also, if you are only an hour away from your old place, you aren't actually very far away - how often do you pop back for lunch etc with your friends there?

SirVixofVixHall · 16/03/2023 16:40

I think if you weren’t that keen to begin with, and still don’t feel better a year later, then you should move back before your child starts school. It will only get more difficult once she has friends in school , not impossible but you will feel guilty uprooting her. I moved a few times during my childhood, and the moves were harder the older I was.

APurpleSquirrel · 16/03/2023 16:42

Can you articulate what it is you're missing in your new place vs what you had before?

Flowersinmai · 16/03/2023 16:43

We moved abroad. I don’t think it really matters where you move too it takes more than a year to adjust. It’s such a massive upheaval.
Is your daughter at nursery or with a childminder?
I would say give jt at least 1 more year.

Calmdown14 · 16/03/2023 16:49

Maybe you need to go and look at the houses you could afford in your old area to see the reality. It may not be so appealing as your rose tinted glasses.

You talk a lot about emotion and feeling rather than specifics but we're these not tied to your old house which you won't get back regardless?

What are the good points of being where you are now? Write a list objectively with amenities, schools, access to green space, size of house, access to family, work etc and then do the same for your old area.

I like a long way from 'home'. Although I didn't regret moving, it took probably 4 years before this became home rather than me always referring to where I'd come from in that way.

If you really can't settle then your daughter will adjust quickly but if on paper it meets your requirements you may just need time.

Locsup183 · 16/03/2023 16:50

@wanderingsoulwjebe I could have written your post. We moved last year and I’m just not feeling it. Pining for my old life despite a lovely house and it being a nice place. Proper sentimental for the old life. I don’t know how to get past it!

Original poster
wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 16:55

@Locsup183 - how far away from "home" did you move and do you mind me asking why you moved ?

I'm finding it hard to know if this is homesickness that will pass or if this is genuine pining for home and I would move back.

I wish I had never relocated - I accept we needed a bigger house , but looking back with hindsight now, we really didn't need to change our location. Maybe within time it will become even more apparent how we didn't need to change our location and we can move back then ! But I just worry then that my daughter will have started in reception and I will be heartbroken if she is happy and settled

OP posts:
Locsup183 · 16/03/2023 18:11

@wanderingsoulwjebe I can’t figure it out either. We moved to a different country so can’t even nip back to our old neighbourhood. Think we just wanted a nicer quality of life, cheaper housing etc. But was a bit of a rash decision. To be fair, we have such a lovely house here we could never afford back in SE England and the DC really enjoy it here. But I can’t stop thinking about our old life! I think the rational part of me knows we were busting at the seams in our old house but I have total rose tinted glasses on reminiscing about being so close to London and how nice our life was there.

I really want to enjoy life here and feel settled and happy but I’m struggling! I’ve made lovely friends and have a local job but something is missing.

I wish we’d never moved too. But I’m trying to cling to the positives of the move and accept I’m only remembering the good bits of our old life and forgetting the negatives.

Original poster
wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 18:59

@Locsup183

Oh wow so a big move then! Can I ask what country you moved to?

How old are you children?

Every time I get in a blind panic like this I have to have serious words with myself to calm down . We are only an hour from "home". I just can't help but feel so out of touch and separated from everything. I know we were busting at the seams in our old house but I so wish we had just moved to a bigger house in the same city

OP posts:
BraveMaeve · 16/03/2023 19:11

What does your DH love about the new location? For the most part it sounds obvious you should move back but would be interesting to see what his perspective is.

Don't beat yourself up, it's really hard to know how these sorts of moves will go and lots of people have done the same thing during Covid.

Original poster
wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 19:38

@BraveMaeve

Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot. It is hard to know how you are going to feel until you are in a situation. I moved for the best intentions.

My husband enjoys his job. He isn't needed in the office still, so he spends the week working from home in our spare room. But when he wants a bit of human contact he can drive to his office . I think from his perspective we've made such a big move and spent such a lot of money to get here , he wants to give it a proper go. I don't think he wants to acknowledge that we might have made a mistake .
I know if we had moved to a bigger house in our home city he would have been equally as happy there !

My feelings is that we will get to to end of this year and see where we are at. If my husband is still working from home and if I still feel the same way, then we will have to have a rethink. I would far rather move back now before our daughter gets to an age where a move would be harder

OP posts:
APurpleSquirrel · 16/03/2023 20:01

The problem is you're are looking at this with hindsight. It could have gone the other way & if you'd decided not to move but your DH's job became hybrid or full return to the office, you'd have been in a potentially worse situation.
You still have really said what it is you miss from 'home'? Unless I've missed it?

Original poster
wanderingsoulwjebe · 16/03/2023 20:36

@APurpleSquirrel

You're exactly right and this was a big reason for the move - I truly believed he would be back in the office either hybrid or full time. I trusted that this job is what he is amazing at and I wanted to encourage him to do his best to get promoted /work his way around the company and potentially get into a team that is back in the office (alll other teams except his are full time in the office !!)

In terms of what I miss about "home"- it's the city as a whole - familiar places that I've known forever , places that hold dear memories to me. It's the people and my life long friends who I love and care for. It's my mum and it's my support network.

I thought being an hour away would be a fair distance, so husband can drive half hour to his office when covid ends- and I'm only an hour away from my support network. It turns out that an hour is a bloody long time when you have a child and you can't just pop to see a friend when you're feeling down or lonely . It's a journey that needs some planning with a child

OP posts:
nathaliespace · 24/02/2025 23:36

What did you do OP? I find myself in a very similar position.. wondering how it all went for you in the end.

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