How to accept that you will probably never move?

[Pickledd]

First world problems so apologies. So we have been wanting to upsize for a while I've lived in my current house almost 7 years. It was a bargain 134k 3 bed semi 1090 square feet, garage parking for 7 cars , ok sized rear. Quiet area, it's so ugly and not the dream forever home but could pay the mortgage off tomorrow if needed.

With the COVID boom and my DH losing 70k on a bad investment it looks like we won't be moving anytime soon. Even a modest upgrade in size say 200 square feet is like double the amount our house is worth so it doesn't feel worth it then it has smaller drive no garage etc. On the other hand I'm hesitant to do any upgrades to this house beyond usual maintenance as I feel mentally done with the house and won't recoup the money back. Has anyone felt like this ? How did you get through it,?

Sounds tricky for you..how many years have you got ahead of you coz when you say it doesn’t look like you will be moving anytime soon, could moving in ten years, for instance, be an option.

if the house is ugly could you re-model it without spending too much - rendering/modern stylish windows? I know you say you are mentally done with it but is there anything that could be done to help you to like it a bit more?

real shame about the investment loss 😌

I'm in a similar -ish position op and feel soo stuck! We are contemplating extending and doing some cosmetic work to make it more spacious. We won't make the money back but at least we will be more comfortable until the lottery win comes along! Hehehehe

On the flip side I work with people who are a bit older ( early 50s) and still move / upgrade to larger properties so it's not all lost here - of course it all depends on your age .

I think if you can’t move I’d look at ways to improve its exterior to help you love it.

We got stuck online our last home for 10 years longer than we should have due to childcare costs, part time wages, DH redundancy etc. We did eventually move after we'd made huge strides into paying down our mortgage so had plenty of equity to bring forward into the new place and bought a fixer upper. We have lots more space and are doing it up as and when we can afford to.

Sounds like you have a decent size house, although you don’t mention number of people living there. I’d be focusing on making it nicer, can you make use the garage to extend living space etc? You can’t live your life waiting to move and grass is always greener

Does the home have adequate space for your needs?
is it in a safe, quiet neighborhood?
is the structure of the house sound?
does the general layout of the home meet your needs or could it meet your needs with minor adjustments?

if you answered yes to all these questions, then it is time to realize that you have potentially hit the financial jackpot.

staying in the house that is not your dream house can be the key to a lifetime of financial security. We chose to stay where we are even once we had the option of moving up and it has made all the difference in our financial position.

I would consider getting creative about sectioning off that garage into useful spaces for cars, dream storage area and possibly life use like a workshop or workout room. Then decorate the inside of you house first . You don’t spend much time looking at the outside.

You don't mention anything about where it is. Do you like where you live?

What's the real driver to move? Is it because you really want to or feel that you should to move up and associate that with being successful in life?

Try and separate the 70k and the house emotionally. You have a secure place to live that facilitates a better standard of overall living.

That sounds like a good not a bad thing.

I am similarly 'trapped' although happily so in that I am a three bed terrace with garage, good parking and a huge garden exactly where I'd like to be in the village.

To gain an extra bedroom (for a spare room) or utility would be nearly double the price and I'd rather pay off this place and live. I don't see that as a bad choice. If it's only real downside is that it's ugly improve your garden and accept that you only spend about 30 seconds a day looking at the front from the outside

I could only cope with staying by making some big changes to keep me interested - adding a garden office, knocking down an internal wall or two, doing some redecorating (or whatever).
Without that I'd feel a bit too stuck and like the control had been taken out of my hands.

Pay off the mortgage, rent it out then either rent or buy something nicer to live in yourself?

I like where I live it's an ugly street house wise but it's peaceful sounds stupid but yes i feel I should have moved up based on salaries by now. It doesn't seem worth it cause of the boom a moved to detached and at least 1600 square foot with double garage (which is a must for DH as he has cars motorbike) that's not a wreck with similar size garden is looking like 550k at least which on paper we can afford but it's a massive increase to get the house we actually want. A modest upgrade means only gaining a little bit of space and a compromise on parking or garden size.

We don't absolutely need a 4th bedroom I won't be having anymore DC but we did want an office and a double garage . I'm just not sure if it's worth the financial pain of doing so when we are very comfy and have a lovely life. I just don't feel settled anymore here.

I also really don't want to move area to one that hasn't boomed so much me and my family are very attached to the place.

I agree with PP then who said to think about moderate changes that might improve how you feel about it. Can you remodel a bit rather than extending?

We swapped the kitchen back into the original place in the darker middle room and opened up the back to the garden. Not a huge cost (we needed a new kitchen regardless) but it's transformed living in it as we now have two sitting spaces and I can see sit with my feet up looking at the back which is lovely.

I work from home but I prefer my space in the back room. I bought a better desk that tucks out of the way when not in use and I'm in on my own most of the day so may as well be nearer the kettle. I find sitting in a tiny box room depressing.

We'll be here while the kids are at home. They love it and don't care it's not detached etc. Your family will get far more from not having stressed parents and having some financial freedom than they will a prettier street.

In 10 years time who knows what we'll want to do. We might want to relocate or might want a bungalow. The idea of a 'forever' home is stupid to me. Life and needs change. The question is 'is this the best balance for now?'

Make the most of the space with clever design and useful furniture and feel smug you bought well

It’s frustrating when you feel “stuck”. We lived in our last house for almost 20 years and probably the last 10 years of that I really wanted to move. I always felt the house was a compromise as it was a sensible option for the budget we had at the time. The problem was that to upsize in an area and house that I was happy with was out of our price range and a series of bad financial
decisions, redundancy etc meant we couldn’t move.
we made the best of what we had - updating and decorating. We considered extending but it would have meant spending money we would never get back. We’ve only managed to move this year into the house that gives us more room and is the style of house I always wanted.
im in my late 40’s and DH in his 50’s but happy we made the move - mostly because of the equity we had available in our house which enabled us to move.
For me I don’t think there is such a thing as a forever home. Our current home is our for now but who knows if things will change

OP that is exactly how I felt three years ago, and our situation similar. I'd been wanting to move for years but we couldn't afford it, and then we could but DH persuaded me to stay where we were. A few months later we went on holiday. It sounds snobby I know, but looking at the ring doorbell footage and seeing the houses opposite while we were away made me realise that we just had to move. We had vastly extended and improved our house but couldn't add any more value, because of the look of the rest of the street.

We were by then in a position where we could have paid our mortgage off but we moved to a similar sized house in a better area instead, and ended up taking on a much bigger mortgage. We've been really hit by the interest rate increases because we are on a flexible tracker mortgage, our council tax almost doubled, obviously everything has gone up. Plus we're doing a massive building project, and at the worst possible time...! I'm sure some people we know think we were mad to move, but we were not to know what was round the corner!

But... I have no regrets and absolutely love it here. I feel at peace and that I'm where I want to be, I never felt that in our last house. And our house will be amazing when it's finished, and we can't price ourselves out of this road either. Eventually we will have to downsize but I don't think I'm ever going to want to leave!

If you are unhappy where you are, and can afford to do it, go for it. Life is too bloody short!

Your posts are confused, in your follow up post you like where you live, are very comfy and are very settled, you also don’t feel you need the additional space and it’s not worth it.

are you comparing yourself to someone? What’s making you feel unsettled, do you have friends or family who have moved up, and that’s it?

I think OP there's a big difference between needs and wants and you have to decide what matters most- I'm pretty sure you don't 'need 'a double garage, it's a want on your husbands part and hobby related . Not saying that's not ok but I think sometimes it's good to clear in your head why something is a 'need' when really it's more of a want - and it comes with a significant price tag

Try really hard to look at your home with an objective eye.
Don’t compare it to anyone else’s house, don’t think what you ‘should’ have.
Does it house you all comfortably? Is it affordable, leaving you with a big buffer? Do you feel happy when the front door is locked for the night? Do you like the area?
If the answer to these questions is ‘yes’ then perhaps you’re getting sucked in to the ‘keep on buying more shit’ thing that we’re so guilty of in this country.

Just imagine how great it’ll be when you’ve paid the mortgage off and it’s all yours!

I coped being focusing on having gratitude for being able to afford my own home and not being in insecure rented places.

We could not afford an upwards move at all in a 18'x22' mid terrace.

It does read like you feel your home is a sign of your success in life op and you’re looking at yours and thinking you should have achieved more, rather than you aren’t happy with it as such, more you think it’s saying something about you and your family. You seem to be both defensive of it and disdainful of it.

id ask what’s making you feel this way, as said, is it you’ve friends or family you’re comparing to and it’s making you unsettled and envious? Has someone just moved up and it’s made you think of your own home?

because there will always be those with more than you and less than you. Comparison Really is the thief of joy.

We are in a similar situation - we are in a flat, mortgage is actually paid off (bought it years ago in our early 20s), and DH just does not want to move. We are early 40s, easily could afford to move, and the flat is way too small for our family, has no garden, teeny galley kitchen, teeny bathroom, we can’t have anyone over as nowhere for them to sit…

DH would be more than happy to move if we got an inheritance or lottery win. But he wants to retire early and live on my earnings/pension, and in the absence of an unexpected windfall, he is happy to put up with living in a horrible cramped flat for the next 40 years. I’m not. We are at a bit of an impass.

I think it's my parents and yes a couple of friends. On paper we have much higher salaries so should have moved on and they have asked why not 😩

Yep my DH has pretty much the same mentality. He says I'm not going to be one of them middle class numpties with huge mortgages and no money to do anything.

He says I'm not going to be one of them middle class numpties with huge mortgages and no money to do anything

weird statement right, your class has nothing to do with your mortgage and disposable income. A “huge”mortgage is based on context. A mortgage of 80k is huge to a family on 20. Who would also have no money to do anything. You can be middle class and on low income. You can be workin class on an above average one.

It feels like a defensive angry little statement.

your financial circumstances are no one else’s business , no one should be asking why you can’t afford to move up. Your husbands financial losses are your business, and as a pp said, you’ve a lot to be grateful for, with a roof over your head.

don’t compare yourself to others and what they have , and if anyone asks why you are where you are, just explain you are happy there.

I’m on a new build estate, where everyone is jammed on top of everyone else. I hate having so many people around me, and hate being surrounded by so many houses and roads. All night you hear the screeching and banging of boy racer exhausts. And it actually depresses me to go for a walk because the surroundings are so ugly. It’s just a sea of ghastly new houses and flats squeezed onto every available bit of land.

When I walk to Tesco’s, half a mile down the road, I’m on a narrow pavement next to a road with the most horrific traffic you can imagine - just one car after another with no break, like swarms of bees buzzing round my head. On top of all that, the housing association have moved a vile ‘problem family’ near me, with two grinning, feral teenagers. Needless to say, the police do nothing, just as they do nothing about the boy racers waking me up at three in the morning. Welcome to modern Britain.

I yearn to live somewhere quiet. I’d give anything to move to a detached house in the country with fields and silence all around me. Imagine walking out your front door into nothing but flowers and trees. It must be heaven.

In a not too dis similar position....

We are in a3 bed terrace which should be ample for us... just me, DH, and dd and the dog. But we both wfh so DH has the spare room and I have the kitchen/diner.
We would love a spare room for people to stay and a garage, and a drive for more then one car.

We have decent salaries so could borrow enough to buy all the above but it would triple our mortgage payments! And the houses for the price we can afford that come up would all need work doing to them. DD is currently at a lovely primary school but the local secondary is in special measures, we have grammars near by but not sure DD will be academic enough to get in.

So it's difficult. We aren't sure what to do... chances are we I'll stay put as moving would be such a massive financial hit that the thought of it actually makes me feel sick!