To base yourself around family or friends?

[Reflux101]

Hi,

It's a bit of a long story, but currently we live in South East England. Have some friends in the area who are good long-standing friends. The thing is that we have no family nearby at all although we did both grow up in this sort of area. If we were to move to Scotland then we would have some family. I think it's probably relevant that we have 2 young children. I feel like maybe when you're in the stage of life of having young children having family around for support is particularly important.

I'm really torn on what to do... Job wise, I think myself and DH could fairly easily get jobs in either place. I would miss my friends if we moved (though would plan to come back down every couple of months to see them for a weekend). But at the moment it's really pretty tough having no family support. For example, when invited to a wedding it'll be a matter of one of us going and the other parent staying at home to look after the children. I wouldn't ask friends to help as it doesn't seem that fair given they'd be looking after their own young children and mine at the same time. It's also just that it's nice to have family nearby to see. And for children think it's nice to grow up with some extended family involved rather than just the 4 of us.

So my question is, generally speaking, if you had to choose to be near family or friends what would you choose? I'm driving myself a bit mad with this one!! I feel like having family nearby is important, but would miss friends and am nervous about the idea of a big relocation.

Before you move, how much would your family actually do for you, and is there any chance of them Moving away ?

well, could you actually get a house near enough to family to provide the sort of support you are thinking of? Do they want/can they actually provide any support? will you need to provide care for them?? and realistically, you probably won't travel all the way back down every few months either I'd think . I'd look into jobs first and see what is going (unless you are self employed??)

Regarding your wedding example, my parents would have happily travelled to stay at ours and babysit for the weekend. They still wouldn’t provide regular childcare (and nor do I expect them to) so living near them wouldn’t change anything really. Only you know how helpful they’ll actually be and if the move would be worth it.

Would your family provide the support you want? And how close would you need to be for it to be practical? Mine refused to do regular childcare and wouldn't have wanted to eg cover the wedding example you mention as 'we didn't have any family support when we had you'

We've relocated for work but also to be in the same city as close friends which has made a big difference in terms of support and feeling isolated.

Would you be expected to provide care as relatives age and if you're nearby? Mine has started dropping hefty hints about me doing the caring despite not wanting to be at all involved with their grandchild.

In terms of whether they’d be happy to give the help we hoped for I think they would. The bar isn’t really too high! I was only thinking a few hours once a month, or maybe once every 8 weeks I’d still be pleased with.

In terms of caring for them I think that’d be reasonably unlikely as the family we have are also young, we don’t have any older family members in that area.

Good point re being confident they don’t then relocate themselves!! That would really be bad if we’d moved all the way there.

yes, we would have to look into jobs first. I suppose it’s because I work in the NHS that I assume I could find work reasonably easily elsewhere, just because there’s a staff shortage generally. We have a few years to think about it I guess. Has anyone relocated with children? Any thoughts on what age to do it, or just younger is easier?

We relocated with a Y1 child which meant she settled quickly and made friends.

we contemplated the same, and chose friends and the area. Where we live has so much to offer children, it’s an affluent area with lots of activities and opportunities and good state schools. We have lots of friends here and see them regularly, there’s always something to do. We didn’t want to give that up to live move somewhere where we would only know family, and therefore rely on just them for social things. Giving up everything to maybe see them once every week or so and get a small amount of help just wasn’t worth it. As it is, ours do travel to see us and look after DC if we have a wedding or trip we want to go to. We can afford babysitters for an evening event.

Yes, it’s always nicer to be close to family but if it means moving away from your friends then you’re swapping one problem for another. And it seems a fairly nuclear approach to get childcare once every eight weeks - could you not try and find a reliable babysitter in your current area instead?

Are there other reasons for the move? For example would you be financially better off (as I’m assuming property is much cheaper in Scotland than in the SE, unless you’re moving to Edinburgh).

Hi, I can see what you mean about swapping one problem for another re loss of friends. I suppose I’d thought though that we’d over time be able to make new friends.

schools wise there would be some advantage to my elder child through moving i’d say. They’re having a bit of a tricky time school wise currently ( prob best not to go into a v long story here), but I may move them anyway in the next year or so. Educationally it’s a good school, but socially it hasn’t worked out that well. He’s one of a v small number of boys in the class and has only made a couple of friends- who are both leaving the area in the coming months 🤦‍♀️

We do try with baby sitters but find it hard to find someone regular. Ppl seem willing to do a weekend evening, but have struggled to manage any time at the weekend- understandable but hard from our perspective.

Of course you’d be able to make new friends but I don’t think you can easily replace good long standing friends. I’ve made new friends here since becoming a mum, but it’s in no way the same relationship as my friends that I’ve had for many years and grown up with.