Feel trapped in our flat - any advice welcome

[Snickers94]

Last year we moved to a new build 2 bed flat in Barnet on shared ownership. We really regret it now, especially me. I don't drive and the nearest shop is a 20 min walk away, as is the tube station. It then takes about half an hour to get anywhere worth going to. The main high street is more than a half hour walk away, and my DD is 1 and gets restless when she's sat in the pushchair too long. Buses are infrequent, meant to be every 15 mins but they're always late and unreliable. The tube comes every 15 minutes.

There are pros to this place but I just hate living here so much. I've had my heart set on doing a masters this year but the flat is expensive as is DD's childcare and my DH has said he can't afford the payments if I were to go part time to do a masters. It's causing rows between us when previously we never argued over finances. We've never felt so broke, paying for a flat in a place we don't like.

I'm lonely here, I haven't really clicked with anyone and the crowd is different to what I'm used to. I grew up very working class, and this place is super middle class and posh.

We were told that we can't rent out our flat either, and we can't afford to buy somewhere new as we don't have the money for a deposit. Rent is sky high in London which is why we did SO in the first place. Our income is also too high to buy another shared ownership property, ironically.

I've just started driving lessons despite having a fear of large vehicles in hope that it'll give me some freedom. But it's just another expense and I had to pay for the lessons on credit card because I can't actually afford them. My husband wants me to get a better paying job (he's already got a well paying job and has moved jobs to afford stuff) but I'm doing something I enjoy and don't have enough experience to move onto something senior yet, however I am trying to get the experience now.

I don't know what I'm after - maybe some reassurance, advice, anything really. I just wish I could do my masters and move somewhere I actually like but I'm stuck. Thank you for reading my rant.

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You are perhaps a bit trapped now, but time does pass. I lived somewhere I didn't like for six years, and then I was able to move. I focused on the fact the area was safe, schools were good and the street was quiet. Were you in rented before? If so then shared ownership should be a chance for you to build up the deposit for your next home? London is such an expensive place, it is good you have a secure home.

The distances you are describing, and the bus waits, do not seem much to me. I don't live in London, and walking for 30 minutes to the centre of town is normal for me.

I wondered could you do your Masters part time via Open University, whilst you work?

You mention there are pros to living there - what are they? It might help to talk about the positives.

And finally the class issue - maybe you are missing where you used to live?

Thank you.

It's not really a high street, more a place with lots of restaurants and cafes. I would have to get the tube or two buses (around an hour) to get to the nearest shopping centre.

I used to live in Devon, where I would get the bus into town. The bus came every half hour, it was reliable, and the journey into town took 20 minutes. I knew when to go to the stop, and I didn't have a toddler screaming to get out of her pushchair because she's been in it too long.

Sigh. Maybe I do need to focus on the positives. We've been talking about having baby number two, but I worry that I'll put my career on hold for two long if that happens. I feel like I rely on my husband for everything already and really lack independence here - he drives me everywhere, he earns way more than me so pays for more stuff. I would love to feel more independent.

Hi, I know Barnet well although do not live there myself and can’t think where you could be living that is so cut off. Would you feel comfortable saying where even in vague terms?

The High Street in Barnet is really improving. I was there recently to meet a relative and had lunch in Gail’s. There are lovely bars and pubs for all tastes from music pubs to the quirky Library Bar I also visited. There’s a bus to Brent Cross for decent shopping and of course the tube to all over. Depending on where you live, you might be able to get the train to Upper Street in under 20 minutes.

There are parks and green fields to walk on and running clubs, gyms and golf courses everywhere.

Its always hard to move and settle in somewhere but do give it time!

I know Barnet well too and it's a great place for families. Have you been able to attend any toddler groups with your little one? It's a good way to make links with people, and many are low cost.
I'm not sure where exactly you are, but the high street you describe sounds like Whetstone. Do persevere with the driving lessons-you and your husband are a partnership, and it's about give and take. When you're in a stronger position you will help him out in other ways.

Could a bike help?

I use to live 15min walk from the closest shops or tube and buying a bike was a game-changer for me! It turned a 15min walk into a quick 5min bike ride. With the right equipment DD might enjoy it more than the pram?

I also know Barnet and can't figure out where you are to feel so cut off. I also don't think of it as being posh at all.

are you sure it's not just that you haven't found your feet yet? Once you've established a routine and places you like to go, you might feel different.

also, it might sound odd but are you sure you are using the correct transport links? I find the web sometimes suggests routes without accounting for the fact that a 2 min walk might get you to a better bus route.

I'm lonely here, I haven't really clicked with anyone and the crowd is different to what I'm used to. I grew up very working class, and this place is super middle class and posh.

No practical advice I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say that I really sympathise with this, and that feeling of being a bit stranded with a toddler. I hope you can work it out

Are you in Colindale by chance??

We moved because it was a great place for families initially. We are in Mill Hill - it is a nice area but idk, it's just so expensive and I'm relying on my husband a lot. For context, I used to live in central London, where everything was a 2 minute walk away, and then east London, where I used to enjoy a little walk along the Thames every day.

I do appreciate what everyone has said though, thank you for the comfort.

Mill Hill can be a strange place.. The broadway is full of shops and restaurants but not many you'd want to go to specially, e.g. a big Waitrose, and you've got the M1 and A1 penning it in making walking hard.
Mill Hill East is good for walks etc., not as busy but has a Waitrose.. But it doesn't have restaurants or many shops.
The ridgeway is very lovely indeed but even more isolated and you have to get a bus everywhere.
Then there is the area up around Mill Hill County which is a long walk to transport.

So I will agree Mill Hill is one of the harder places to navigate in the borough.

There will be baby and toddler groups at the churches on the ridgeway I'm sure and you don't have to be religious to join in. Might be worth checking out?

There's a big community around the church at Bittacy Road, can't remember what's it called.. A friend told me they do all kinds of classes open to all.

Hi OP, just want to say you have my sympathy - when we first got on the property ladder we were in the arse end of nowhere Bushey (near Watford) and living there made me pretty miserable.

But after 3 years we had enough equity that we could make our next move, and by then I knew location was critical to me, and we haven't looked back.

So it's most likely a case of sucking it up for now, sorry :( BUT having a good plan in place with your DH for the next move will help you keep positive.

Short term: yes, find some toddler classes, get your DH to use his big salary to fund your driving lessons so you're not worrying about money, try to remind yourself that owning is better than renting and that you're building a great life for your child.

Medium term: have some good chats with DH about how you feel, what you'd like from the next move, how you are sharing finances and what the implications are of having a 2nd baby. Try to get on the same page with him so you don't feel alone 'in the marriage' as well as in the new area.

Wish you all the best.

I just wanted to say I’m in a very similar situation so you have my sympathy - at home on mat leave with a 4 month old baby, in our shared ownership flat that was all we could afford (and really not too bad for the price tbf). But yeah location-wise it’s a pain, like you I have to get on long walks or take the bus everywhere, thankfully my baby likes the sling as that’s easier but it’s still annoying. At least our neighbourhood is fairly nice.
You said there are positives, I think try to focus on that and just know that this is temporary, at least that’s what I keep telling myself :D also that we did the best we could in this insane market - we could have afforded a house further out, but kept getting outbid on every single one and with a small deposit we didn’t stand a chance. Oh well, next time!

it is probably having a grumpy toddler and not many local connections that makes you feel trapped. the good news is, that will pass! toddler will get bigger & easier, you can find some toddler groups and you can make connections.

don't think of the flat itself as the problem, it is the rest of the local things. and those can change, both as you learn the area and as you build connections.

if you want to study more, look at going to Birkbeck where you can do mostly evening classes.

What percentage do you have on your shared ownership? Do NOT assume buying more would be in your interest. (I did, I bought 40% then staircased, but looking back I think I’d have been better on 25%, paying that off asap with everything I had, then selling it back to someone on the shared ownership list. I had to offer mine back for sale to the list for a certain time, but they then had to buy it at whatever percentage I owned it at and of course no one wanted to buy it at 100%).

Having small children in North London can feel a bit bleak sometimes!

I was born in Barnet and grew up in nearby Hadley Wood. I can't imagine where you are that makes you feel cut off. I'd say that I have similar local journeys where I live now in North Herts. Barnet is a real community, have you been able to make any friends? Toddler groups? I can understand, however, why you'd want to be able to drive as that will open your world up a bit.

I haven't got any advice about the flat. I have been in that situation though as I did much the same in a different town. I did manage to move up the ladder eventually. You mention another baby, is that something that might be better put on hold for now until you can perhaps improve your job prospects/income? I'm sorry you feel so unhappy. I would definitely try and get out there a bit and meet other mums which might help you feel a bit more settled. Good luck.

I've just seen you're in Mill Hill! That is not Barnet to me at all! Ok so I can see why that might have a bit of a different dynamic. Same advice still applies though, it would help to build a circle and create a social life. What about your husband? Does he have anybody locally?

I would prioritise learning to drive and see how you feel once you can drive.

A couple of things to think about:

• if you put your flat back too soon on the market (less than 2 years) it will be a red flag for people and they will wonder if there is something wrong with it
• At the same time with a shared-ownership property you don't want to stay in the flat too long either. I had one for a few years and the housing association increased the service charge significantly after the first couples of years so you also don't want to hang on too long and leave before the service charge, ground rent or lease length will start putting buyers off.

If I were you I would live there for at least two years then put it back on the market.

Don't buy more shares either, it is easier to resale as shared-ownership if you only own 25% or 35% as it is more affordable for potential buyers to purchase your share.

Agree with this, 25% more sellable, plus in the mean time pay down your mortgage or save as much as possible.

Are you and your husband on the same page? There's a lot in your post about what he says, what he wants. He wants you to get a better paid job but also won't let you do a masters.

Sorry, only just saw these replies now. To answer a few questions - I've not made any friends yet. Been using peanut but haven't clicked with anyone local just yet, and I work full time and see family or old friends on weekends.

Husband doesn't have any local friends but does have other friends in the city that he meets up with. He also has buyers remorse with our place I've found out.

I think we are on the same page about some things and not others - he thinks about money a lot more than I do, and is always worrying about cost of living. I'm more of a "let's do what we love and we will make it work money wise" kind of person. But we are open to each other's perspectives.