Finances and house buying

[Curlyfifteen]

We are starting to buy a house.

DH is main earner and I have a small business which makes a little spare cash here and there but not much, I mainly look after our 3 year old. I have some savings which I am planning to use in a pension after we have moved. I guess I’m just keeping it aside for an emergency in case anything happens after we move in, then I can invest it in a pension, I’m almost 40 and don’t have one.

He on the hand has a sizeable pension. I,’m not worried that we would divorce but what if something happened to him and I am alone? He is a decade older than me.

Our first offer was rejected. So I said shall we up it to xxx which is half way between what they want and what we offered. He said yes. 3 weeks later he informs that that meant I was the pay the difference. Now the point here is not that I mind to pay for it, but I hate that he never said that to me. His bank account is his, I don’t know what’s in it or see any finances. So I’m pissed that he assumes I should know, that it’s obvious, I will pay the difference.

Am I being unreasonable?

Then I ask what money do we have for furniture and appliances - a bit - he says. Not giving me a specific amount. We will sit down tomorrow with a spreadsheet. He seems pissed with me.

I am very upset but he needs to go to bed for work.

We talked about doing an extension and he was like it will be great etc. now he is like, we can’t afford it, how will we afford it. Ok, but why lead me on then?

Very upset. We never argue about money (because I never spend any except on groceries). Seriously aibu?

I think your query would be better in Relationships. This does not sound like someone you should buy a house with.

Agree with pp

I wouldn't consider buying a house with someone who couldn't be open with their finances.
But then, I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't prepared to be open about their finances.

On your financial question about what happens to you of he does make sure you have good life insurance that pays off the mortgage and leaves you with a good lump sum. Also find out what his pension will pay you. Make sure he also has sickness cover. How long is the mortgage term - will it run after his retirement?

on the relationship stuff, he sounds pretty awful. Are you sure you want to buy a house with him?

He isn't awful though it sounds that way. Before baby i was in charge of money. I earnt more at the start of our relationship. We always kept money separate til i had baby. He says spend what you want. I never do because i think you should only buy what you need and save for nice things like holidays or a good house. I dont think he is good with money though for some reason. He has learnt some of my habits and spends less but still more than i would. I just feel a bit blindsided that suddenly im paying for parts of the house purchase when im essentially a sahm.

You need to see exactly what his finances are and vice versa. Then decide together what you can and can’t afford.

Yes. Ive drafted a long email saying it. I need his spreadheet with all the incoming and outgoings. I write my thoughts better than when i talk. He has to sleep now for work and leave early morning so an email is the best way to say everything atm. Im not buying til i know where every penny is going.

It’s fair for you to help with the purchase of the house but not fair for him
to be so secretive about money when you should be a partnership and you are contributing to the family unit just as much but in a different way.

I agree, I will pay from my savings but I hate surprises! Unless they are actually out of our hands surprises.