Has anyone relocated twice with kids? Feel like we’ve moved to the wrong place

[glowinglantern]

We moved out of London a year ago. I keep thinking we chose the wrong area.

Where we are living should be perfect. Great schools, easy commute to London, we have a lovely detached house. But it just doesn’t feel right. It’s very “naice” and I just don’t feel like I fit in. It’s full of high earners (or high earning men with SAH wives) with flashy cars who are always off on expensive holidays. We both work in the public sector and have a much more “normal” lifestyle. It’s also nearly two hours from my family and it’s more rural than I’m used to - we have to drive to school and to the station for work.

I keep thinking we should have chosen another area which is a bit more down to earth and a bit cheaper where we could have walked to school and the station. It doesn’t have the same reputation for amazing schools but there are still good options. It is also only one hour from my family. My parents are getting on and I have a disabled sister and I’m kicking myself thinking we should have taken the opportunity to move closer when we had the chance. I also would like to be closer to the sea although I guess that alone isn’t a sensible reason to move 😁

I’m the only one who isn’t happy though. DH likes it here and DD aged 6 has settled well at the school. How can I possibly move her again when we’ve already moved her once?

DH is from Cornwall so everywhere is far from his family 😬 and only his dad is still alive.

We also have a younger DS but he’s only 2 so I wouldn’t worry too much about moving him.

Has anyone been in this position? Do I just have grass is greener syndrome and need to focus on making a life for myself here? I just can’t see myself ever fitting in or being happy.

If think very carefully about re settling a child twice, when everyone else is happy

@safelysoftly I know 😞 If DD were younger I wouldn’t think twice but she’s happy here. I’m just kicking myself because I think we made the wrong choice.

It sounds to me like you need to find some kindred spirits. Can you put a lot of effort into that before considering a move? Eg go to meet-ups, sign up for some hobbies where you think you might meet like-minded people. Maybe some environmental action groups or similar as it sounds like have some anti-consumerist values?

I have thought about this a lot as I am from somewhere where I always felt like a fish out of water. But if I had to move back for family reasons, I’d do some of that. I am sure there are some people more like you there - you just need to find them.

I’m watching this thread as I’m desperate to leave Cornwall with my family and I’m worried that I’ll relocate and feel the same as you do!

the grass is rarely greener 😭

I dunno. I think your reasons are very practical and your dd is only 6. We have made a similar type move but are prepared to stay here now whilst the dc finish school as they are a bit older. I guess the question would be, what if you didn't fit in there either? But then your practical reasons for moving would still stand.

We’ve sort of relocated twice, but admittedly the whole family was on board. We moved purely for a specific school, but none of us were happy, so we’re actually moving back to exactly where we came from. I guess it must be much harder if DH & DD are happy, but I knew there was simply no way I could stay in the new location and we’re all so happy to be moving back (hopefully within the next month). Our DC were 5&6 when we moved, now 7&8.

My DF was in the RAF. We relocated so many times. I went to 11 schools and we worked out that my DSis went to 17. We're both healthy, happy well adjusted adults. What matters is the parenting - we got used to different schools quickly enough, but our little family unit was totally stable and we felt loved, wanted and cared for.

For what it's worth, relocating twice with kids isn't something I'd think twice about. If you're happy, calm and convinced the move is the right thing then the kids will adjust well.

I think it needs to be very very bad for you to do this to your child again

Thank you for all the comments! Some very very different views 😊

I think in the short term I definitely need to follow @pjani‘s advice and really throw myself into making friends in the area. I think I need to be certain I’ve given it a really good shot.

@FlipFlops4Me so nice to hear such a positive slant - whatever we end up deciding, I really hope my kids feel that positive about our nuclear family when they grow up 🥰

Just bumping in case anyone else has any experience of this.

We moved twice, 4 years apart, DS was 4 when we moved and started the local school. The house was huge, beautiful rural area but only 1 mile from my work and the nearest large town in our area. I couldn't settle but the rest of the family loved it. But I knew I'd moved to the wrong area. I would bring it up, they would all say why they loved it, and I'd push it away again, then a while later I'd bring it up again. The thought of moving both physically and financially seemed insane (especially to my DH). I was also very worried about moving to the wrong place again, what if I felt like this in another new area. I then said one day how about moving back to the town we left, as soon as I said it, that was it! We moved within a few months. My DS started his new school and has settled fine. Life is too short and we are all happy here.

We moved areas twice when I was 7 and I am really really really conscious not to do the same to mine I’m afraid!

We did but only because our eldest was miserable.

He's much happier and settled now.

I would be reluctant to move a happy, settled child. Can you give it another 6 months - year and have a think again then?

We moved a lot when I was a child due to my Dad’s job. I never wanted to move but I did adjust well each time , as did sibling. Looking back I quite like having experienced different areas.

How did your DD find the move to where you are now? Did it upset her a lot or was she fine about it?

Some kids are much more bothered by change and moving than others. My two DDs are chalk and cheese in this respect.

In your shoes I think I would move - but do your research on the new area very very carefully before you do.

There's been a few similar threads on here recently - think one family had moved to Beaconsfield and another to the Sussex coast, possibly Brighton. Both were having similar angst after a similar timescale, so it might be worth hunting down those threads as there were many useful insights and a vast spectrum of perspectives. Possibly it's just the timeframe and after two years you'll feel more settled. I'd say your DD is still young enough to move again with no big trauma and still will be okay even in a year. It's beyond that when it'll get much harder, so it's good that you've raised it now so you can try throwing yourself into settling there and if it still feels wrong, then you've show that you've given it a good go, and can make a stronger case for making the next move. Hopefully by then you'd have a much better sense of where you want to be too. There's plenty of posts on here about people moving back to London after it not working out, plus some who've ended up going much further afield. See how you go. Good luck...

Moved a few times with my children for work etc, these were big moved as well. Kids will adjust, I wouldn’t think twice about moving a six and a two year old.

If it's only been a year I think that really isn't long enough to see if you will settle... especially after the last few years we have had. We moved to somewhere that sounds similar(!) a couple of years ago and it took a very long time for my children to truly feel settled (although new schools together with lockdowns didn't help) so I would be very cautious about moving a child again at this point. However, my DC and DH are now very happy here... and while I am still conflicted, I think we are here for some time now. Perhaps you could reassess in a year or two?

We did this, within London but it still felt like a big deal. I had a five and three year old. Honestly, I just didnt settle in the area and after a year, I just wasnt going to. We moved to a more suburban area with a large house but I hate it. So we are moving. It's not ideal and definitely unwise in this market.

So I was just googling this and came across my own thread 😂

It’s me, the OP, and over a year on I’m still wondering if moving here was the right decision.

Nothing much has changed for everyone else - DD still happy at school and DS has now started at the school nursery. DH still glad we live here. I still don’t feel like I have found my tribe.

I recently moved to a part time role so have a bit more time and have recently been making a real effort to settle in - just the usual stuff, joined a book club, joined a choir, volunteered to be class rep for the PTA, trying to organise stuff with the few friends I do have here. Let’s see if it helps.

Anyone else out there who’s been in this situation? I’m thinking there are probably quite a few people now who moved during covid and are now questioning the decision…

Hello OP @glowinglantern - wondered how you were doing another year on. I found your thread through Google, slightly different scenario though - moved to Edinburgh from London in 2017, had baby here in 2019 and moved house. From the outside it looks like a nice life and she seems to like school, but both me and partner are feeling a bit antsy, partly because career options are more limited here. I'm missing home (London) and feeling regret and worry over aging parents so far away. The responses on the thread are really helping but I wonder if anyone could chime in who has experience of rebuilding friendships, especially parent friendships, as an adult after moving? I've made lovely friends here and it's hurting my heart a bit to think of moving. The expense too but that's a whole different hurdle...

I moved to London outskirts 8 years ago and regretted it. Full of SAHMs or 'ceo of family types'. But DH says it'd be even worse if we had gone further out. DC go to a private school further IN urban London and the parents are more my tribe but we are all scattered and working so harder to socialise.

Anyway i mused about moving a lot but i dont want to go back in london nor further out, so the plan is to stick it out and relocate when DC are 18.

@judithkerr how did your move go in the end?

I miss my pokey old terrace (but definitely not the lack of space) but also dislike the suburban houseproud showoffs constantly doing up driveways, diy, multiple cars, gardener etc