Stuck - do I stay near daughter or move near son

[MurphDad]

I live near my daughter and grandchildren (30 minutes) and my son is in Devon about 6 hours away. I have always been unhappy where I live and never took down real roots. Now finished work and I am free to move but have been stuck in making a decision. I am 60 and though feel very young realise that I am not getting younger and want to settle down as my life has been chaotic. I have always wanted to go back to Bristol where I grew up but cannot afford anywhere so started to look near my son. Torn from staying here and being unhappy and feeling trapped but being near my daughter and Grandchildren or moving near my son. He lives in a small village in Devon and a house came up for sale that I lost in the same village. I now want to live in the village close to him but aware that that if he ever moved I would be by myself. I worry that I am using my son for support and I should be more self supporting but we have a very close relationship and he would like me to be there near him as he starts a family.

You should live where you would be happy to live alone because, as you say, any of your kids could move away from you.
I’d be thinking about living somewhere that you will end your life at, so look at hospitals/GP’s, shops, transport etc.
What does your DD think about you moving to be near your DS, 6 hours away ?

I agree with @KangarooKenny . I’m a Bristolian and moving home shortly as are a couple of my school friends, but not right into Bristol. Do you still have people you know up there and what’s your budget?

Things won't always be as they are now. Health changes.

I'd think about who is more likely to help you if you need it DS or DD.

My PIL live 3 hours away and it is a nightmare trying to help them with medical appointments and general life.

They are near friends, but they won't help in the way that family will.

What made you move from Bristol to where you are now? How long have you been there? Partner, other family, friends? Have you spoken to your daughter about this? I had a friend who was persuaded by her daughter to move from the family home, several hundred miles away to nearer them, just a couple of miles away. The family home was much too large and impractical,but she said she never saw her daughter or grandkids. They were busy working. Do you still have connections to Bristol? I used to harbour dreams about returning to the pretty village where I grew up (till I married) I wouldn't be able to afford anything there, but, when I visited,I had absolutely nothing in common,my best friends from school,all lived a couple of minutes walk from their parents (all now dead) never learned to drive,and most never worked. OMG,what a boring life! When I lived just 30 miles away from them,they were horrified at the suggestion they should visit me,as driver,it was always down to me. I wouldn't live anywhere I hated,but I have a friend of over 35 years,in the time I've known her,she's moved a lot,changed jobs a lot,hated every single one,is talking of moving again now,so the dissatisfaction,is definitely her, not the jobs or the property. We moved, classic seaside bungalow, retirement,but within a couple of hours drive of all 4 kids, 2 registered disabled one in carer for,so a lot of careful thought and planning. Ironically, youngest daughter and grandkids now live 4 miles away.

If your son even left or you didn't actually settle there, could you move again? Do you have to see this as the last ever move?

I think you need to clear on expectations. Is your son hoping for help with childcare? Is that what you want too? Will you be put out if you don’t see them much? What is your relationship with your DD and grandkids like?

I would assume that wherever you go you will be in your own most of the time and start from there.

Daughter would like me to stay but understands why I wanted to initially move to Bristol however I do think I will upset her if I live so close to my son. I have lots of old friends still in Bristol along with my sister though as I live 4 hours away I only see them 5/6 times a year and they too have there own lives. My budget is small (260k) and since I have stayed with my son I have fallen in love with the area and village and have started to imagine setting up a new life there. Had always thought of myself as as a city person but right now feel the need for a much more quiet and rural life being near him. He says he has no plans to move from the area as he and partner love it and have only recently bought there first house there.

I’d suggest considering long term. A small village may be great when you are 60 and relatively fit. If this is a long term move, what if you lose the ability to drive? What if you start having difficulty with stairs?

Also, as people say, what if your son moves?

Will you be happy only seeing your current grandchildren every few months at most (if you currently see them more often). Is your son ‘starting a family’ imminent (i.e. is his partner about to give birth) or is this something for the future that may or may not happen?

Only you know how these factors should be weighed. They don’t mean you shouldn’t move - the benefits may outweigh the issues but I think they are matters to be considered.

Also, don’t underestimate how difficult it can be to make new friends in a village where everyone knows everyone else. Is it that sort of village or one where there is a large transient population?

Are you sure a rural area is sensible? My Mum moved in her early 60s to a village because she'd always wanted to live in a village and she liked the house. She liked it but did spend everyday driving somewhere else to see friends and was then very hard hit by lockdowns as she was stuck in the village. We hated visiting her there as there was nothing for children to do (no play area etc) so you always had to go somewhere else every day. The village had a church with one service a month, a primary school and a pub that sometimes closed down but no other amenities. Very occasional bus service. She had a hip replacement which meant no driving for six weeks and was totally stuck - had to go into care home for rehab as no one to look after her, friends had to do her shopping and give her lifts to medical appointments. She moved back to the city she'd come from in her mid-70s, to a bungalow on a bus route and near shops and friends.

DH (early 60s) and I have just bought a house. Different situation to you as we have a primary age child but we've tried to future-proof so it's on several bus routes and walking distance to shops, doctor and hospital. There is also space for, eventually, a bedroom downstairs and shower room too.

nannybeach
Moved from Bristol to start family/work and was a forced move at the time. Been here for 33 years but separated 20 years ago and since lived alone bringing up children. 10 years ago children left home. Have a few friends but no other family and have always felt like an alien in the East. I get quite panicky when I think I will be here for the rest of my life.
Whatiswrongwithmyknee
Probably could move again depending on finances and dont see it necessarily being my forever place . Right now needing to settle for a bit, quieter life and take down roots.
Rinatinabina
Relationship with daughter and grandchildren are very good (love them lots) however me and my son are incredibly close and he is more supporting. I have spoken to him and he is excited about me being close and able to see each other and share our lives.one of the reasons of being close to him is to support him with child care etc.

I think if you move away from your daughter and grandchildren purely to follow your son and help with childcare it will feel like real favouritism. I'd be deeply hurt if my parents did that. A neutral ground somewhere in between after talking about it for decades is entirely different.

This.

PIL's village is fine for (good) drivers but useless now they can't drive.

I think you may regret it. It is going to make u v dependent on your son. He is obviously keen to have u close by to help with childcare etc. Flip that round and think about what would happen if u were not able to do the childcare and was ill. Would he want u there then? That sounds harsh but u may need to look at this without the rose tinted spectacles.

It's tricky. My mum moved to live 2 doors down from us. It has worked out very well on the whole - she was a massive help with childcare when our children were young and now she is pretty elderly we are repaying the debt with helping her hopefully stay in her house rather than go into care. But it's not to be taken lightly- a massive commitment on both parts to be honest. Also we feel we can't morally move (we would have liked to) since she moved here to be with us. We are stuck. She is also very dependent on us although between us we have cultivated a support network around her too so when we go on holiday, she's still got people to help if she needs it. She has also known when to back off and give us time to ourselves which is important.

In your case also I think if I was your daughter I'd be pretty hurt that you wanted to move away. Not a problem with my sibling as they wouldn't want to live so close anyway. But we did feel guilty about my husband's mother who lived a long way away. I felt we were favouring my mum by living so close. To compensate, she used to come to stay for long periods too when the kids were young. Maybe that's an option? Good luck whatever you decide.

Just to add that we all live in a small village (but on a bus route - one an hour) and my mum has never driven. We've managed fine. Since she doesn't have a car, she can afford to take the occasional taxi now she finds the bus trickier to manage. But we do have everything pretty basic in the village like post office, doctor, school and she can still walk to these.

You need to think about where you would be happy to live alone.

Because there is no guarantee that either of your kids won't move to get new jobs/homes especially if your son does not have a family yet.

There is also no guarantee that either of your kids will be able and willing to care for you as you age.

You should go somewhere where you are happy to live, with decent access to transport, shops and medical and social care.

Is your son's partner as keen for you to move close to them?

Thanks for the messages. I am pretty interdependent and feel I will make friends and connections there as its a very open and friendly village and I am very much a people person. Will also do my soul a lot of good. Just not made many connections where I am as I have always been unsettled and fell in a bad lifestyle. However having my son there will give me support and we have both wanted to be near each other. Generally I use my head more than my heart and very rarely do I put what I want first - which makes it difficult to decide exactly what I want now I am in a position to do so within reason. Looking into the future when I am older is a concern with transport etc but know that both he and his partner would be very supportive but I would not want to be a burden (even if he says I would not be) . They would like me in their lives a lot more than I currently am. Concerned that I would be hurting my daughter and being far away from the Grandchildren. I need to have a proper talk with her however she does not seem open to discuss the issue at the moment.
My head is considering lots of things but my heart is currently saying go for it and see what the future brings. What I do know is that I need to change my life and be in surroundings that will help this to happen. Feel a need to be in a healthy environment and not one where I feel unhappy and lonely. Think I should not have started painting images of myself being there with him.
I am finding your comments very supportive and know only I can decide.

cordiate
My sons partner is keen that I move there and she is being very supportive of me and would like to be able to share lives.

Have you thought about somewhere close to the M5 south of Bristol.

That way, you are close to your home city, you are close to the M5 with easy access to Devon, and you are close to Bristol airport and fast trains north so you and your daughter can visit each other

My dad moved nearly 6 hours away to Cornwall when I was 21 which was rubbish at first but it’s amazing how quickly we got used to it. I then moved to Devon at 30 and my mum moved a few months after because she was unhappy in our old town and wanted a fresh start. Both my mum and dad could not be happier living by the coast. My mum in particular has made her own friends, got into a new relationship and has no intentions of leaving Devon now even if I wasn’t there. Do what will make you happy - your kids will still love you no matter what.

When you say you are incredibly close and he’s more supporting what does that actually look like? Does he come down to visit you regularly, does he call a lot? What does share lives mean because that sounds a hell of a lot closer than I want to be with my MIL (who is a lovely person)

I would only move of I thought I would be happy there even if I never saw my son regularly. If they both work full time and have kids you may only see them on pick ups and drops off and the odd weekend. Life with kids is busy, they will probably also have their own friends and want to do stuff as a couple too. You may find that you are fit in when they can see you rather than a sharing of lives.

I don’t mean to be negative it’s just that you may be being overpromised something by your son and DIL who may genuinely mean well but when the reality of having a family sets in you suddenly find yourself very short of time.

There are lots of things going on here all at once: city v country, son vs DD and GC etc.

I am widowed and live in a small remote village. But it has a wonderful community feel and I feel safe and supported here. There is a school, a pub, a wonderful new village hall, a common for walks, shop about 1.5 miles away etc. However, I had back surgery recently and it has been difficult not being able to drive as there are no buses here. Friends have been helpful in the short term, but I would not want to be dependent on people long term. There a community transport schemes though; and someone picks up drugs from the surgery (about 6 miles away) each month. You need to think about whether you could cope with that level of services.

I have always felt it is unwise to decamp to be with AC, as you do not know what the future holds - they might get a new job offer at the other end of the country; you might fall out with their partner. And it is not comfortable for AC children to feel they dictate your decisions about where you live. It places them in a role of having responsibility for your happiness.

Are you sure you will not miss your GC? - or that your DD might feel side-lined by your move?

Could you rent in Devon near your son for a while and see how it works out?

Lots of good points made by PP. Another thing to consider is how much you will want and be able to be an active grandparent as you get older.

My MIL was newly retired when BIL had kids and did 2 days a week childcare from 6 months and still does after school now they're older. She wanted to do the same for us when DS was born but the reality is that she doesn't have the energy now for solo childcare of a toddler so instead she joins us for the afternoon on my day off. That works for us and we're just happy she gets to see DS frequently but be careful of your son and DIL expecting a larger amount of care than you may find yourself wanting to give.

To be honest it sounds like very clear favouritism of your son over your daughter. You already live near your daughter and existing grandchildren, but you’re desperate to move far away to be on-hand for your sons potential children (which don’t exist yet).

It doesn’t surprise me at all that your daughter is reluctant to talk to you about it. I expect she feels hurt on behalf of her kids, and perhaps she can see through brothers schtick too (I really doubt a grown man and his partner want to entwine their lives with their mother/MIL as much as you think they do. Perhaps daughter can sense the disappointment on the horizon).