Opinions please: Living near parents vs a nicer area

[May298]

Hi all,

Husband and I live in London. No children yet. We are buying a house and very torn as to where. We have a very close relationship with my parents who live in Kensal rise. We had always planned on moving there (though a very small house is all we can afford) as we love the idea of parents always popping in, helping out with childcare when needed (for example, I have to leave the house at 7am, if my husband was abroad for work, or having to be in early himself, my dad could sort the kids), as well as just general bonding! However, we also love south east London, we have a concentration of friends there, can get more for our money, we like the abundance of green spaces and just think it’s a nicer area to be raising kids. The big disadvantage is obviously that my parents would be an hour away, so no popping in/last minute help of the sort.

Would really value the opinion of those with kids around how valuable parental help is when weighed up with the benefits of south London (bigger house, near friends, quieter etcetc). Thank you in advance!

Having family nearby makes a huge difference in the early years.

You should also consider that many of your friends will start moving away when they get to the kids stage. That was definitely my experience - people either move away to be near family or further out of London to get more space.

I would perhaps consider moving further out but still near Kensal rise to get a similar amount of space as you’d get in SE London…

Surely an hour away is actually very nearby! You’d be crazy to forgo a larger property. An hours journey is often done twice a day, or longer. There would be no problem in helping with childcare or establishing good relationships with your parents from an hour away. Different if you want your parents popping in a few times a day or doing all the childcare though

Are you absolutely sure your parents will be happy to help a lot with the kids? I had thought my parents would be more grandchild oriented but in practice they haven't been.

And do your parents want to be on tap childcare? Is this even a conversation you have had with them. Even if you have a quick skim of threads on here show but by the time it happens they may change their mind or find it more tiring or more of a bind than they expected .

And do your parents want to be on tap childcare?

It's not even whether they want to be on tap childcare. I always planned to be really hands on with my grandchildren, but I get tired much more quickly nowadays.

coyoacan that's a fair point.

OP what is helpful when you have small kids, is someone you can turn to in a pinch - say if you need to pop to the dentist or if you are sick. DH and I don't live near either set of grandparents and we have one DC. We managed between us with nursery, although I worked flexi so was at home a lot in the afternoons for post school childcare.

Do you know if your parents would actually do this though? My Mum had muttered for years about helping out and being around for us and she was absolutely useless when we did eventually have DD. She actively avoids being left alone with her. Although still likes to make out to her friends she's a hands on Granny

I'd choose a bigger house over proximity to parents any day. And then cultivate friendships. We've coped fine with last minute childcare emergencies without grandparent help. Where it would have been useful was covering things like dental appts when I was on maternity leave.

Yup just to add my mum went on and on about us moving jobs to live near them when we had kids. But when we visited and stayed there, she was absolutely useless. That was plenty of evidence to make a different decision regarding where to live

How old are your parents? Is there any chance they would move nearer to your new place to see more of you?

Is there a particular reason they are in their current area such as elderly relatives, work is nearby or other siblings?

Your moving might make them move . A catalyst.

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts, really helpful and given me a bit of reassurance about it being okay being further away from them. Yes I’ve definitely discussed this with them, they are very keen to help out and I do feel they would end up being very helpful but obviously you can never know for sure! They definitely wouldn’t move, they’ve lived in the same area their whole lives, all their friends there etc. But my mum does say we would still make it work somehow, and similar to what lots of you have said, we should actually prioritise somewhere bigger / that we like

Going against the grain, I’d be close to your parents. We lived in east London and my mum would faithfully travel to us once a week to do childcare, a one and a half hour trip from Surrey, but it was tiring for her. Once we had our second we left London and moved 15 mins away from her because it’s really hard to juggle childcare and full time work (unless you have a lot of cash!). Now she does one day of childcare for our youngest, school pick up once a week for our oldest and feeds us all on a Sunday. She covers 50% of the kids sick days and babysits for us so we can go out (about once every two months really but still). She helps with doctors appointments, picking up prescriptions, kids sports lessons if I’m working weekends… it’s a godsend. And my kids are so close to her.

South east London is great but realistically when you kids are young you don’t socialise a huge amount. Will your friends all stay there when they have their own kids? Of our circle of friends 75% have now left and are dotted all over the UK

Stay nearer your parents I think.even if it's irregular help it will be a godsend. As a grandparent, I wouldn't think one hour each way was that close for helping out especially if they are still working.

We moved from London to The South West to be closer to Grandparents. DC is 7 and they haven’t babysat once. And certainly no help with school runs. No interest with sleepovers or family walks etc. (they promised they would help out a tiny bit. E.g Babysit for an anniversary meal - once a year but no, nothing)

We’re contemplating moving away again…. We gave it a good shot but it didn’t work out. It’s been quite disappointing really.

OP think carefully before the big move.

If you know your DP will be involved and helpful, then I'd stay near them. I had both DC in London without any family support. It was obviously doable, but such a slog.

We now live closer to my DP and their help is priceless.

We moved 4 hours from both sets of parents and friends to an area where we could afford and also more rural/quiet to bring up the family. Positives were that the children grew up in a safe and more gentle environment compared to the City we grew up in. Downside is lack of support and found it was us who had to travel back down and 1 hour away would have been bliss.