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Original poster

Devastating bereavement

16 replies

RosieLeaLovesTea · 20/05/2022 23:26

We are in the middle of buying a
house/moving and my DM has just passed away suddenly. I don’t think I can cope or go ahead. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

OP posts:

Workinghardeveryday · 20/05/2022 23:32

Sorry no advice, sending love x.

if the move is what you want, go for it - you may regret it x

CousCousSalad · 20/05/2022 23:36

Sorry for your loss OP

I think in your shoes I'd email the solicitor and estate agent and briefly state that you've had a sudden bereavement and won't be able to respond to any emails or calls for the next week whilst you start to process that and deal with the "admin" (sorry can't thing of a better term!) it brings with it. Thank them for their patience, and then just don't think about the house for a few days - see how you feel about it next weekend.

Personally, I think I would then proceed as you have decided to move for a reason, and chosen this house for a reason. I don't think you should make any big decisions immediately but you also can't leave everyone waiting for months on end whilst you weigh up your options.

Do you have a partner who can pick up all the house admin if you do decide to proceed, to ease some of that stress for you?

1Week · 20/05/2022 23:41

I'm very sorry for your loss, your poor Mum.
However, I would say, if you've done all the thinking and deciding and were happy with your choice before your mum passed , you should go with that decision.
I know the forms and documentation and everything will be hard to deal with, but itmught be worth it, you'll be operating on autopilot for a while yet, you might as well be where you want to fe be when you emerge

SpaceFarce · 20/05/2022 23:58

The sale of our house was finalised on the day I delivered my stillborn son at 23 weeks pregnant. We got the call from the estate agent who was ecstatic and we just listened in silence. We continued because it was what we wanted and it didn’t feel right to the buyers to say no after they offered full asking price. Two days later, I left the hospital and we started searching for our new home. We found the perfect place and, although we felt like we were wading through mud at times, moved in and have been very happy here ever since. It was certainly hard, but gave us something to focus on and it was the right decision for our family.

SpaceFarce · 20/05/2022 23:58

I meant to add that I am sorry for your loss. Apologies for missing that important part.

BoDerek · 21/05/2022 00:05

I’m so sorry for your sudden and devastating loss.

It is ok not to proceed. Much more important to look after yourself at this time. X

growandhope · 21/05/2022 00:27

I am very sorry for your loss. Just keep moving forwards, that distraction may help you, it is better to have to keep thinking in different directions than just sitting in it. It is not disrespectful to her, she probably would not want you to put your life on an indefinite hold. Mind yourself.

anotheronenow · 21/05/2022 00:37

I lost my DM 6 years ago. I know how you feel. I am so so so sorry. Afterwards, I felt as though I was trying to walk around, live, look after my kids, do my job, all under the ocean or something, like it was hard to walk and I was looking through seaweed. Even breathing hurt. I tried to take a leave from my job for the rest of the semester and my boss said no, try it and see and if you can't do it, then go on leave. I kept going. I cried in the car all the way to work and all the way home. But looking back on it, I think it helped me to keep going. I think my mum would want me to do that. Does it help to ask yourself what your mum would want? She would want you to be ok, right (as ok as you could under the circumstances) so if that's pulling out, pull out. If it's keeping going, keep going. Sleep on it?

Oceanus · 21/05/2022 00:52

Have you already paid or signed anything binding? If you wouldn't be left out of pocket maybe take some time to grieve -losing a loving parent is always devastating. If you'd lose money, it's up to you how much you can afford to lose and whether you have sb supportive by your side. Do you have sb to hold your hand at this time?
I'm very sorry for your loss. You'll get through it. Hang in there and don't forget to have a bit of a cry.

SickKid · 21/05/2022 04:08

Did your mum know the details of your new house and was she happy for you? If so, I would press on. We had been idly talking about looking for somewhere bigger when my df suddenly passed 6 months ago, and now I don't want to move as he was so happy when we bought this house and he'll never see a new home so it feels like I'd be leaving him behind if I did if that makes sense? It's irrational really but that's grief for you I guess.

HairyBum · 21/05/2022 04:14

Our sellers paused for a sale and explained why. They had 10 days of quiet and i was very accepting of this, I would want the same in their shoes

Volterra · 21/05/2022 04:59

I am so sorry for your loss 💐
I’m in a similar situation. I rang my Dad to tell him we were moving earlier this year and he was waiting for a taxi to take him to the GP ‘nothing to worry about, just a bit of constipation ‘lt was cancer and 6 days later he was gone.

Our move is about going home. I wanted to be nearer to him and my Stepmum. We are still going but in the lucky position of having somewhere to go which was to be temporary and now might be permanent. I hate the idea of him not knowing the place we go to and he has been to this place so that seems like the compromise.

it isn’t easy. There has been a lot to get through with the funeral and sorting his house and now I have realised the inheritance tax form is due the end of July which is creeping around but I have a solicitor to do that. A lovely family friend I was really close to died yesterday too which compounds the total shit that 2022 is and I have a DC starting A levels next week.

I’m not sure if I could be going ahead were it not for the fact I desperately want to go home. My friends here are wonderful and have been supporting me through it and it will be a huge wrench to leave them but I am lucky to have a couple of lovely ones at home and my need to be home is overriding most things currently.

I think the advice often is to make no big decisions for a year after a loss and I do get why. I think the advice above to let it sit for a bit is sensible. You’re in shock at the moment. I am in a bad state physically with all the driving up and down doing over my bad joint and stress compounding it. I think if it weren’t for the fact I desperately want to be out this house now I would be staying put. The most important thing is do whatever is right for you when yiu have had a bit of time to think (though I get how hard it is to think straight right now). Take care .

Moonface123 · 21/05/2022 05:54

So sorry for your loss.
My husband died very suddenly, two weeks before contracts were to be signed and exchanged, the solicitors put it all on hold, to give me time to think.
Take care.

Andromachehadabadday · 21/05/2022 06:06

Op I am so sorry for your loss. My mum died suddenly in December, just gone.

My advice would be to proceed. Once the funeral is done it gives you something to focus on.

You wanted to move and those reasons, I am guessing still stand. They just don’t seem that important at the moment.

It really is horrible to go through. But you will deal with it and you will get through it.

Josette77 · 21/05/2022 06:42

I am there too.
I move in a week after selling and buying and my step dad died yesterday.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am struggling packing DS and I up..

LoveLabradors · 21/05/2022 10:24

So sorry for your loss. Give yourself a little breathing space, hopefully you have someone who can pick up the administrative side of moving for you. Grief is a long process and you may find that six months and a year are very difficult times too. As such perhaps consider that there may not be any “good” time to move in the next couple of years with bereavement, so think about how much the house means to you. As grief progresses loss of motivation and listlessness can be prominent, so you may have less will for moving than now in the initial shock. So think about how important the new house is to you. Take care of yourself, grief is exhausting and losing your mum is devastating. Accept help if you decide to proceed.

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