Is it normal for me to be making EVERY SINGLE decision?

[Geoguillo]

This is mostly a vent post but I just want to hear anyone’s advice or own experience.

Recently bought a house with my partner of 8 years who is an architect.

The house is a complete do-er upper. My background is early years and his architecture. I have single handedly made every single decision about the house renovation and done a majority of the work. I have taken down ceilings, skirting boards and door frames myself with zero experience and no knowledge of what I’m doing.

I have had to make every single decision regarding electric sockets, placement, replacing things, taking things away, renovating, making decisions about leaking roofs, cutting down walls, unscrewing curtain rails…EVERYTHING!

Even down to cleaning up the garden, asking him to fetch bags for the soil and he brings out the thinnest plastic bag you’ve ever seen…for heavy soil and rubble…when he knows we went to the shops for rubble bags.

I’ll look for a tool and he will stand and watch me look for it instead of helping.

I asked what we need to order from Screwfix for the house and he suggested for me steel toe cap boots when all the heavy work is now done. He let me rip up 50 year old carpets, while he sweeps up dust. He doesn’t think of things like extension chords we desperately need as we have one working socket now, a lock for the back gate, a shearer for the hedges and bushes…

I’m beginning to think this is purely weaponised incompetence. You can’t be an architect and not know these extremely basic things to get a house in order.

What do I do?

There seem to be two problems here 1) he lets you take the mental load and 2) he also lets you take the physical load.

Has he always been like this?

Don't do stuff for him; don't do stuff because it's easier to do it yourself. Play hardball. Have the row.

God, I think "weaponised incompetence" might be my new favourite phrase. I could certainly use that about a few work colleagues, and possibly occasionally my partner too.

More seriously, it sounds like you're at the end of your tether, so if you haven't talked to him about this yet, then now is the time.

Thanks all.

We had an argument and I said I want the mortgage moved to his accounts. He can make the bulk of the payment and I’ll give him £600 a month like what we gives me. Maybe then he’ll realise how I’m using 90% of my salary to pay for the mortgage, renovation and work etc!

I’ve given him every contact number of trades people and told him to deal with it all, I’ve had enough.

He is a very sweet man, and will run around after me making me cups of tea, getting pain killers, getting my lunch etc but will not make decisions about the house. He has agreed to take on all the responsibilities and finances after my blow out. I’ve found he can be really quite lazy with renovation work as he knows I’m highly strung and will do it because I’m anxious. A couple weeks back I asked him to remove skirtings from behind a radiator and he starting sawing one and stopped about a third of the way down and just never finished it, it’s still there. I’m refusing to do it.

Did you both want this house? Was it discussed what needs doing and who will do it? What would happen if for the next project you sat down beforehand and said, shall we do something about X or Y is broken, what shall we do about it? And then divided up the tasks? He does sound useless but I can’t completely tell whether it’s deliberate or not. Oh and in my experience architects are useless when it comes to the practical stuff- they rely on builders and other trades for this.

OP maybe get this moved to relationships? This isn't a DIY issue, it's a partner issue and you'll get more traffic and advice there.

Fwiw, I am also a "doer" and DH is not. I joke that I project manage our life but if it wasn't for me he'd have not changed careers, even though he wanted to (I found new job for him, interview prepped etc, although obviously I understand he passed the interviews himself on his own merits. He's extremely competent, intelligent and good at what he does). We would never have moved house, I did all the leg work, from viewings to solicitors to removals. We would never go on holiday without me, because I do all the research and booking. Packing. Etc.

You get where I'm coming from. I'm aware of this, as is he. He wants the things to happen, but I have to make them happen. It's frustrating and it pisses me off but ultimately, it's how he is and it's how I am.

Dh does this. When we are purchasing anything new or changing anything in the house all I get is "you decide". Then it's my fault when either the new thing we have purchased isn't up to his expectations or there is an issue with whatever we have done to the house. Drives me mad!

Yeah, you don't have a house problem you have a relationship problem.

Do you really want to be doing this all for him?