Neighbours & malicious FB posts

[BeBopDeluxe]

I wonder if someone could advise, please. I'm normally a calm, rational person who tries always to see the best in people but unfortunately despite this, our neighbours, since they moved in a few years ago, have gone out of their way to fall out with us.

We tried so hard to welcome them to our small town, inviting them over, helping them with out when their garden fence fell down, other bits and pieces, their DC played with our youngest etc. But suddenly and out of the blue, they became very hostile to us and were even verbally abusive to our eldest DS, then 12, when he asked to retrieve a frisbee that he had accidentally sent into their garden. My DH and I tried to work out what had gone wrong, but we then found out that they had also fallen out with another couple who lived close to them so concluded it wasn't just us in their firing line.

We accepted that there was no law that said they had to like us but have always remained cordial and civil in any of the very few interactions subsequently. However, their hostility has not diminished and has latterly focused on an issue to do with the fence on our boundary. We have tried to do all we can to accommodate their demands, even at our own expense, as I'm a believer in live and let live and I feel sorry for them that they are so perpetually angry at the world.

However, this has now taken a new turn as they have begun to post comments on our local FB page that are libellous as they explicitly state blatant lies about us. It is highly personal and very distressing; they have a platform and are making the most of it. Unfortunately a few people innocently responded to their initial remarks and it has escalated as they are obviously now fired up. No one has subsequently commented or liked the posts so clearly people are stepping away as it is pretty distasteful stuff but it has left us and our DC feeling really exposed and uncomfortable in what is a pretty close-knit community.

Some of my friends are lawyers and always advise to adopt the maxim of never go to the law about your neighbours as you will only end up losing your house. However, this is toxic stuff and grossly unfair. Would there be any merit in sending a solicitor's letter to them requesting they desist, or am I able to contact someone at FB to ask them to remove the posts? I am pretty clueless about social media so it could be that I have no recourse.

I appreciate that in the real world this is small fry and pathetically petty, particularly when you see what is happening in the Ukraine and Afghanistan, but it is very hard to stomach seeing untruths - not opinions - which are fine, everyone has that liberty - but lies written about us that many, many people in our community will read. Do I walk round with a placard stating that I have been wronged, do I post back, or do we just ignore it? I know that is probably the best option and this will die a death but the injustice of this is really making me feel both impotent and full of rage. Fortunately my DH is away with work or I think he would be marching down to their front door to have it out with them as we are both so sick of this idiocy.

Sadly I don't think they will ever more as they said to us in the past that this is their forever home. My eldest DD tonight burst into tears about it all and said she wanted to move. My DH telephoned me just and asked if I wanted to put the house on the market. Neither of us are given to histronics but this has really shocked and sickened us. It is something we would never ever contemplate doing ourselves so I am really struggling with it all.

I need to step back and ignore, don't I, and let them stew in their own mire of misery and hatred? Or do you think a measured solicitor's letter is a middle way? I'd be really grateful for any advice, or suggestions of what people have done in similar circumstances.

My apologies for this epic post; just needed to vent. Thank you.

Could you contact the moderators of the FB page? I can’t see FB itself doing much but the mods of the page might be concerned at hosting libellous comments.

@JohnandMary - thank you, I genuinely hadn't thought of that. Too caught up in the upset of it all I think! The only problem I do see is that the Mod is a close friend of the neighbours and I know their DCs spend a lot of time together; that said, it's not a good look for the site, which is heavily used, to allow this stuff to sit on there.

Just wanted to add that I've NC'd as some of my other posts are pretty outing but I've been on here for years.

If I saw any of their posts I would just think they were unhinged. Even if I considered or knew every word to be true I’d still think that. It’s just not normal to rant on social media.
Were I in this same situation I would completely ignore it. None of you should even acknowledge it to anyone outside of your household & let them continue to dig a hole for themselves.
You’re assuming everyone isn’t able to think for themselves and will believe every word. If they do they do but most will see it for what it is. Leave them to it. Lunatics.

So sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with JohnandMary about contacting the moderators. Most people take what they see online with a pinch of salt. The dust will settle and it will be someone else's turn next.

I guess you can advise the facebook admin that because they are allowing lies in their facebook page, then THEY will be responsible for this, and receiving letters from lawyers. You can sue a facebook admin if they allow defamatory comments about you. So go ahead and tell them. And then THEY will probably no longer be friends with your neighbours for not going along with their nastiness.

@Daydreamsinsantafe, thank you, you are absolutely right in that any sensible person would turn away from this sort of stuff and see it for what it is. I am probably overreacting as it's just so hurtful, and as I said, it goes against all rationality. It is hard seeing my DC so distressed too but I suppose it's a valuable life lesson for them.

@Namensandurung, thank you, that's very kind. I can already feel my blood pressure dropping, MN always comes up trumps.

@m00rfarm - that's an interesting point, thank you. I do (sadly) have to bear in mind that should we decide to sell, and if we did it would be only in reaction to this which is really getting to final straw territory as this has now gone on for 7 years (not the FB posts, that's the latest twist in the tale, but the rest), we would legally have to declare any disputes with our neighbours.

But this would not be a dispute with the neighbours - it would be with the admin of a facebook group - so would not need to be disclosed when you sell. And likely never get to the point of being formalised as the admin will most certainly not want to be involved in any sort of legal issues. I would suggest that not only are they to be told to remove the posts, but also issue a carefully worded statement - at which point you will not go ahead with legal action against them. Start to make screen shots of all relevant posts now, and then you are in an excellent position to proceed.

@m00rfarm, I have screen-shots of them all to date for that very reason so thank you. Urggh, even the act of taking screen-shots of them makes me feel ill as it's like an endorsement of them. I honestly feel like I am in an episode of Eastenders, FFS

I’m very sorry that your children are so upset. I know that would really be difficult for me too but you’re right that they can learn something from this.
DH and I would likely be amused by the gossip, no matter how seedy, and so our children would too. We just don’t take people on really & neither do our older children. It’s good to be quite resilient at times like this because you can flapping around will ultimately serve no purpose other than raising your blood pressures.
Imagine how incredibly frustrating they will find your lack of response. That alone would tickle me. They will be breathless with anticipation but it will never come.

If what they are saying is wildly offensive then everyone will wonder why they aren’t telling the police rather than the neighbourhood group.
They will definitely be the ones thinking about selling up soon. Everyone will soon give them a wide berth. I’d bet money on them having done this sort of thing before. Bloody odd balls.

Are you sure that the are about you specifically...for example posting " my neighbours hold swingers parties every weekend" is alot different than " Mr and Mrs BeBopDeluxe hold swingers parties every weekend"....the second would obviously be about you, the first could be about any neighbour ....are they saying things that specifically mark it out as being about you and your husband because if it's just neighbour they might be mean any of the houses around them in the near vicinity

Unless you have contacted the police it would not be seen as a neighbours dispute

@Daydreamsinsantafe thank you; the supreme irony of all of this is that we have normally always adopted the same attitude as you and your DH. I simply don't do drama, or gossip, or ratcheting up issues. I have a demanding job that frequently requires some difficult decisions where the buck stops with me, so my family and home life are studiously focused on calmness and - for want of a better word - normality, however one defines that. So this is massively outside my comfort zone, hence my heightened response. A friend has just suggested I walk around the garden naked tomorrow (not a pretty sight!) and really give them something to complain about

@Ilovenutellaaaaa, sadly there can be no doubt who it is they are referring to. It is explicitly about us. I don't want to post details as it is too outing but anyone reading it knows exactly who they are talking about, and what. I suspect any lawyer reading their posts would advise them that they have overstepped the legal (and decent) mark.

@Redshoeblueshoe, that's very helpful. I didn't realise that, thank you.

You can report the group to Facebook & they can remove the group or shut it down every time they post things about you.

@Nat6999, that's an interesting point but the group is such a fantastic community resource that lots of people rely on so I would be loathe to cause it any damage.

OP I know people like this. They are known for lies and melodrama. However much people nod their heads and make the right noises in front of them they actually consider them loons.
I also live in a tight knit community so can understand how quickly scandal spreads but what is mostly important to everyone is that they never really involve themselves with anything even when they probably should. It’s all very polite & superficial.
Remember also that what you consider to be embarrassing or shameful is often the reality of others. There will be someone reading those posts who is actually a swinger or cross dresses of an evening or is sleeping with the gardener. All anyone really cares about is themselves & their own secrets & lies.
With the best will in the world it’s safe to say you just aren’t that important!

Try to get some sleep.

As an aside, if the page is as helpful as you say it is it’s likely that others will complain about its current use.
Friend of theirs or not the moderator will be seen in a poor light if they carry on allowing it.

@Daydreamsinsantafe, sigh, I know - you are absolutely correct in almost everything you say but the one issue I have is that the comments that have been made are really very serious and suggest an almost/actual criminal level of negligence on our part. I genuinely wouldn't care if it was about those issues we can all go meh about, but this is not in that bracket.

But you are right, I need sleep - it's another manic week of work ahead of me and when I'm dealing with what I routinely face there, I know that this will become more proportionate in my mind and I can think with more clarity. Thank you.

What i would flag is be careful of the Streisand effect (en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Streisand_effect) in other words by involving solicitors and reacting to the post you draw more attention to it.

Social media moves on very quickly, new posts overtake old ones and the old ones are pushed out of feeds. If you react to the original post it could prompt the admins to write a response - like a MN deletion message which flags the original issue to a whole new set of people. Now without seeing the original one it's hard to know whether it's worth the risk but just something to consider.

@Daydreamsinsantafe, sorry posted before I saw your most recent post. Yes, that's a really good point which I hadn't thought of because I am still feeling impotent with the injustice of this. Thank you.

@NameChangeNameShange - that is a really interesting link and I think it goes back to @Daydreamsinsantafe point about everyone really living in their own bubble and this being of no real interest to anyone but the parties involved. Thank you, great advice. My rational self is now re-acquainting itself with me, thank god.

OP, please don't do naked gardening, www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/feb/14/raf-suspends-senior-commander-allegedly-seen-naked-outside-home
There's a few years backstory to the article, all centered on neighbour dispute if you google.

The only type of neighbour disputes you have to declare when selling are those that have involved solicitors letters or police involvement.
e.g. a verbal dispute over a boundary or noise or extension or fence does not have to be declared, but a dispute that's involved the verbal dispute getting out of hand to the point that Police were involved, depending on its resolution, or solicitors' letters were sent would have to be declared.

Some of my friends are lawyers
And their advice so far is spot on about neighbour disputes.

Pay one or two their going rate to advise about the specifics of the content of your neighbours' posts on FB and the group admins' possible liability.

Ask for advice on the consequences for you of taking action and the consequences for you if you do nothing.

You're in a job where the buck stops with you. Treat this situation like you would a work project. Take all the emotion out of it and look at it objectively with your work 'hat' on.