Another one about buyer's remorse: how long did it take you to like / love your new house?

[Sandrine1982]

Hi there.

Just wondering how normal it is to feel like this. We moved on Friday and I can't stop crying. We left a beautiful, warm flat in a lovely area, where our daughter was born, went to a lovely nursery, we had friends there, we loved being surrounded by nature. We sold the flat because we had slightly noisy neighbours and we wanted more space to be able to work from home more comfortably.

Now we have too much space, and double the mortgage! The new house is large, feels we can't heat it properly (some rooms get too hot, downstairs is cold). Roof and garden need work, some of the stuff is urgent and it will cost more than we anticipated. I just feel completely, completely overwhelmed by everything that needs doing.
I hate going up and down the stairs all the time to fetch things, adjusting heating so we feel comfortable without spending a fortune, stressing about toddler falling down the stairs in the middle of the night. I know these things can be sorted, but I don't even know where to start. DH works long hours and I took a few days off to sort things out, but I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and can't stop crying and thinking about out old flat.

I know some people will laugh at these first world problems! I know I should just count my blessings and get on with it.

But I'd like to know - is this common and will it pass? If people felt like this, how long did it take you to start enjoying your new place?

Please be kind. x

It has taken me a year, a lot of DIY, a lot of money and builders in and I am feeling a lot more comfortable and it feels like home. We still have the kitchen to do which I hate but we need to save for it as it will be so expensive. Keep plodding on with the work and you will get there. Xx

about 3-6 months but u need time to make it yours, do some DIY, live your life there and have lovely associations to it etc. don't panic!

Yes, it's common and it should pass. When we moved here (18 years ago), I remember going to the swing park (no one else there, would have been where we used to live) with my 2 year old and both of us crying that we missed our friends from old place. It did get better. Like you we were rattling around in a much bigger house, no furniture (well, one 2 seater sofa that had been plenty in old house!), and more needing fixed than we'd thought. Roof had leaked on moving day, had to have a bucket at the top of the stairs which the removers kicked over.

Now, we are overstuffed and need to clear things out, kids are beginning to leave home.. nearly gone full cycle on it.

It will get better. Get out and meet people if you can, that's what helped most, that one person at a toddler group who said do you want to come over for a playdate. Still friends now .

Good luck.

I've never loved any house I've lived in. You learn to live with the quirks and problems unique to each house.

Just keep in mind, unless you have a hole in the roof or a leaking pipe, nothing needs to be done right now.

Think about how its gonna look in a few years time. Slap some paint on the walls, get the boiler serviced and the radiators balanced and once we're heading in to the spring you'll feel loads better.

We moved to an older bigger house that we bought, from a small new build rental. I was so excited to have our own house and more space! The day we moved in, at the end of the day, I completely sobbed my heart out thinking what had we done!
I cried for my dc leaving their lovely bedrooms to now having 70s style bedrooms! The whole house looked a state and was shabby and old fashioned. We didn't have a enough furniture. It has high ceilings and felt cold. It smelled funny, not bad just not like home! I think it was the emotions coming out from the stress of buying it, being so excited and then realising how much work we had to do!
It did pass though and as the weeks went on and we unpacked and got used to it , it became our new normal.
We lived with it for two years and then replastered and repainted. Over the years we've got more furniture and put in a downstairs toilet. Still lots more I would do if I had the money, but it's our home and I can't imagine living anywhere else! As the dc have gotten older I can't imagine how we would fit in the old rental (even if it was all shiny and new and easy to keep clean!) 🤣

Yes, that’s me. I have cried every day for the past month and a half, with exception for when I went away for a weekend and didn’t need to stay in the new place. We weren’t even anticipating that much work- only painting, changing carpets in bedrooms and a new kitchen island. Now it turns out the floors need to be ripped out- so we can’t yet paint or bring all the furniture in. Looks like windows will need replacing in not too distant future. The place is empty and I am sleeping on a mattress. Neighbours are noisy and it turns out that everything about the new area is irritating me like hell. I have lost weight and the will to live. I can’t sleep. Also the mortgage is eye watering and honestly if I could turn back time I would in a heartbeat. The new house is like a prison sentence at the moment. Can’t get out of the fixed term mortgage without paying a massive fine. Honestly, I feel your pain

Get stair gates first so at least you dont have to worry about the stairs.

Change is so hard. It will get better! And get some stair gates if you haven’t already. Should help with some of the anxiety I’d start planning and budgeting for what you need most - I wouldn’t make any big changes because it takes a while to get to know a space to know what you really want from it. But slap some paint on the walls and try to create a space you like, one room at a time. It will get better.

We moved a year ago.

We were living in an area which was going downhill, the neighbours drove us mad, we had a small, cold, north facing garden and no off road parking.

Now we have a beautiful garden and live in a lovely detached house with fields and trees.

I’m freezing cold all the time. My mortgage has doubled. We did all the maths when we moved in but in that time the council tax, water rates and most other bills have hiked up.

And as for fuel….I’m freezing cold (house is 15c today) as it is. I’ve stopped using my dryer, I use the dishwasher once every other day on a fast cycle. And still after my fixed term fuel ends in March I face two massive price hikes from £150 to £200, then £200 to £300 with the expected 51% rise. The new quote for fixing was in excess of £350 a month.

I walk up the drive and think what a lovely house it is. Which is a good job because we can’t afford to be anywhere BUT in the house.

Sorry - not helpful

It was love at first sight for me. I feel so lucky to have our new house..we moved in a few weeks ago. Weve gone from a run-down 2 bed terraced to a 3 bed detached with the most beautiful garden. I keep stroking bits of it. I can't believe its actually mine.
The only downside is a tiny kitchen...but theres room to extend.

After a few months have passed, you forget all the “normal” of your old home and the new home is the “normal” - it’s just home and where you live (actual negative issues such as bad neighbours, costly upkeep or nasty surprises not withstanding.)

My friends will half-jokingly tell you that I solve the problem of new houses feeling unfamiliar by recreating the old house wherever I go: I’ve now renovated three homes with the same block parquet flooring, colour scheme and bathroom tiles. I am nothing if not consistent about what I like. But maybe partly an idea for you, too - trying to make your new place feel more homely by having some things which remind you of your old one can help it feel like a proper home.

I felt like you five months ago OP. It’s not pleasant, especially if you’re worrying about dc and the effects of disruption compared to stability for them.

This house was cold, needed more doing than I wished, found lots of bits that were basically held together with 20 layers of paint and some sticky tape (!) Everything is costing more to sort than I feel like it should.

We got the heating system flushed and cleaned and the radiators bled and rebalanced. That helped with the heat. And I pulled out all the thermal layers I bought us all for socialising outdoors last winter but the dc mostly complain I’ve wrapped them up too much! Started getting quotes for the work needing done meanwhile noticing what was actually most bothersome to live with so I had an order of priorities. Sparked some nice conversations with neighbours as decided to be brave and ask for recommendations of tradesmen.

I think I first felt properly glad to be here 2.5 months in, when the wood burner was finally fixed and we had a fire going for the first time. It was something I’d really liked the idea of when we bought the property and never had before. Is there something like that you can work on first for yourself? Now more of the work is scheduled in I can start to enjoy picking paint colours and I can see how the house will work for us and I’m excited to get it done…

I think a stairgate and baby monitor might be good staring points. You won’t have needed them in the flat but they could help your peace of mind so you can get on with some bits while your dd plays in a ‘safe’ room.

I think it must be really common to feel down after moving. One other thing- we decided to try to give about half of our free time to making good memories with dc- going out to nearby attractions, having dinner out, visiting with friends, finding extra-curricular clubs, wildlife spotting or finding nearby playgrounds etc etc. It made progress on the house slower but it helped us put down some roots.

I bet your house will seem lovely to you soon

Aw it’s awful that you feel so bad at this move. I know the feeling well! First of all, get stairgates fitted asap so you feel like your DD is safe. You’ll soon get used to your routines with the stairs. Have you got thermostatic valves on your radiators? If not, contact a heating engineer to come and fit some.
It took a year before I felt I’d settled in my new home, which shocked me as I was so looking forward to moving. When the weather warms up, get out with your dd to the local park to meet other parents, or maybe look for a toddler group locally. Just remember, you’ve got all the time in the world to make your new house into a wonderful home.

6 months. Also moved from a flat to a house and wanted my warm, homely flat back. Making friends in the new area made the difference.

Yes! We only moved a couple of miles away but we left behind lovely neighbours who we bumped into every day and had similar aged children so we saw each other lots. We have moved to an area with lots of older people and although they are pleasant it isn't the same.
We needed more space but like you our furniture is all to small and so the rooms feel too big and not cosy. We can't afford to replace anything yet.
We have been here almost a year and have had to do some work which we knew about but I knew all the quirks and creaks of the old house - I am still learning here.

With the heating - for us to get downstairs warm we have to turn the heating down upstairs by putting the TRVs onto 2 or 3 in the bedrooms. We find if we get downstairs warm upstairs benefits anyway.

I know the feeling! We moved in mid-November from a tiny cottage we loved to a much bigger, in need of Work, house.

I know it’s shallow, but I replaced curtains in the hallway and immediately felt better. Get something you love for a room you use daily: something you’ll need anyway (but that you can afford now!). Lampshade?

I think it's partly a problem of having moved before you really needed to (sensible and not a criticism - just to illustrate the point).
Try flipping your thinking as to how you'd feel in the flat, perhaps expecting baby number two and unable to move because houses has become out of financial reach, you've been made redundant, the market has crashed and it just won't sell
I always think moving before circumstances force it is less stressful but it can also lead to more feelings of regret.
I loved my flat and bought a house that had been empty for three years and untouched since the 1970s. It was hard work but when I look at the amount of toys and hear the noise of my kids, I am so glad we are not still in it (plus the flat has since sold twice and both times it has taken an age when we sold almost instantly)

Thank you everyone. It's interesting to hear that so many people go through this.

Glad to hear you like your house @beguilingeyes !

And really sorry to hear about your experience, @Allgreyeverything, I hope it gets better for you very soon!

I feel like that too. Plus my toddler is really struggling at the moment and seems to have a hard time in the new nursery (it's her first day and they texted me to pick her up early as she's not coping!).

Honestly I wish I could turn back time... :(

Let's hope it gets better soon ... ...

Change can be really difficult. Making memories in your new home can help; especially if the space makes it easier for having friends/ family around than in your flat.

Can you use some of the space to give your toddler a play zone, and then have a nice, more adult seating space for you and DP to enjoy in the evening? Could getting some different bits of preloved furniture from a charity furniture shop/ Facebook help ? Or do something with the space with your toddler that you couldn't have done in the flat, like make a fort out of cardboard boxes?

Our brains experience change as traumatic, even positive change. There’s nothing wrong with you, and time will help.

We moved from a beautiful beautiful 18th century cottage that I loved so much it felt like an extension of self, to a bog standard 1930s semi with hideous decor and a raft of things needing updating. We do now have the space we need, and I’m glad we did it, but with paying for ivf and general life, it’s still pretty Fawlty Towers in its style, just now with added holes in walls and bits of bare plaster from damp/electrics/ripping out atrocious fireplace. The thing that really helped me was getting in the garden and growing stuff. It’s cheap and achievable, doesn’t require a plumber/electrician/builder/roofer, and I think it’s literally helped me put down roots. My little boy loves it as well and it’s great for their learning to get their hands in the earth and see how it all works. You can stick some broad beans in now, and next month you could start some sweetpeas on a windowsill to plant out after the frost.

Hang in there.

Massive yes to @bluelavender ‘s box fort suggestion! Get in with her and use crayons/pens/stickers to make yourself a lovely house, even just for an afternoon. I know it sounds silly but sometimes just switching off from adulthood and really playing with a small child is the thing you didn’t realise you needed.