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Original poster

Emotional attachment dilemma

17 replies

Greencheeks · 14/09/2021 08:01

I'll try and be brief - my DH's grandmother has left us her property in her Will, she sadly passed away in February from Covid.

We were both very close to her and adored her. She wanted us to inherit her house to live there as our 'dream home' - she said this to MIL but not us, we had no idea of her intentions before she passed.

DH's mum is delighted we have inherited it, no ill feeling whatsoever, the house is only 5 minutes from her so she's really happy at the idea of us living closer (currently 2 hrs away).

The problem is, (very very privileged problem to have, I 100% realise this) neither DH or I actually want to live there. The house needs a LOT of work and it's in an area we would never choose to live. I'd have to leave my job.

But if we sold it, we could buy an absolutely amazing dream home, a house that doesn't need work, in an area we want to live. MIL would be gutted, as it's where she grew up and it has a lot of emotional attachment, understandably.

So it feels utterly selfish to just sell it when his Gran so wanted us to make it our forever home. What would you do? :(

OP posts:

Beamur · 14/09/2021 08:04

You're not going to live in it.
I think at an appropriate time your DH is going to have to talk to his Mum and explain that. It's not going to be easy.

LittleBearPad · 14/09/2021 08:05

Explain your position. It’s a gift, it shouldn’t be a burden.

If there are issues see what MIL says if you suggest she buys it from you. Her emotional attachment is unlikely to stretch to living there herself and having to do all the work needed.

Beamur · 14/09/2021 08:05

What would I do - sell it.

bettybyebye · 14/09/2021 08:10

Absolutely do not end up moving there due to guilt/emotional pressure. To be honest I’d be questioning why on earth the grandma would assume you would want to make that your forever home - it’s not a gift if it comes with expectations such as that.
As per PP your DH needs to speak with MIL and have an honest conversation about this, perhaps she may offer to buy it. Sorry for your loss

BarbInCarriage · 14/09/2021 08:11

Sell it. We had friends who ended up with their grans house lying empty and rotting away for 12 years as the family were too emotionally attached to sell it but, apart from a couple of years no one wanted to live in it.

Years of visiting it every week to make sure it was ok and gardening and talking about it.

It’s eventually been sold and someone Is building a family home on the site.

The conversation is probably let someone new make memories there.

Clymene · 14/09/2021 08:11

Surely your MIL must realise it isn't your dream home if it would mean leaving jobs etc?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/09/2021 08:12

Agree-time for your DH to have an open conversation with his mum

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/09/2021 08:14

Definitely need to talk to MIL
Maybe wait a few months though as presumably I he loss is quite recent?

Original poster

Greencheeks · 14/09/2021 08:26

Thanks so much for the replies, was half expecting a roasting for even considering to sell it, DH is sensitive too and neither of us want to upset his mum or disrespect his Gran's memory.

It honestly hasn't even entered MIL's head that we may not want to live there. She talks non stop about what we could do, asks when we're moving in etc

She definitely wouldn't want to move in herself, she loves where she lives and is very attached to it there, and there's no other family at all. But the thought of living there ourselves fills me with dread, DH can WFH so he'd be less affected bit still would prefer to sell and buy somewhere we really love.

OP posts:

Clymene · 14/09/2021 08:54

If she died in February I really don't think you should leave it until the spring to sell it. You really don't want the leave the house empty over winter.

It's unfortunate your mil isn't thinking clearly but your husband is going to have to grasp the nettle and tell her you want to sell it.

senua · 14/09/2021 09:08

she said this to MIL but not us, we had no idea of her intentions before she passed.
If it was that important then she would have spoken to you directly.
But, anyway, it is bonkers to even consider living your life according to what other people say you should/shouldn't do. Make your own, rational, grown-up decisions.
It's also bonkers that MIL won't live there but expects you to!

FawnDrench · 14/09/2021 20:10

It's a wonderful opportunity for you to have the home that you want (by selling it obviously) and this seems to me to be the wish and intention of your DH's Gran.

Your MIL is putting her own wants and wishes before yours unfortunately but understandably, and sadly, the longer you remain quiet about what you both want, the more you are passively reinforcing her illusion.

A factual, emotion-free face to face talk on neutral ground with MIL would be my suggestion, and this needs to take place ASAP or you're not being fair or true to yourselves, MIL or gran.

LCDP · 14/09/2021 20:26

We all have to move on at some point, and it makes no sense to live in a house that would make you unhappy out of guilt. If it was so important to DH’s grandmother for you to live there, she would have told you, I’m sure she ultimately wants you to be happy wherever you are. Explain to the MIL that it’s not suitable for you and wouldn’t make you happy, what’s more important are memories and not material possession. If I was in your position, I would actually find it uncomfortable to live in my grandma’s house, it would always feel like her house.

surreygirl1987 · 14/09/2021 21:01

You can't leave your job and move into a house you don't want just because your MIL has an emotional attachment to it. Be sensitive and sympathise, but live your own life. You'll have to sell it.

Retrievemysanity · 14/09/2021 21:08

Any chance MIL may be slightly exaggerating what grandmother said? Not maliciously, more because she’d love to have you closer and is getting carried away? If it was that important to grandma, she’d have said something directly. I think a tactful conversation is needed with MIL and explain it was lovely to be given the house, moving in just won’t be an option for the reasons you gave and you’ll sell it and use the money to buy a property more suited to your needs right now. No need to overthink it or feel guilty

Tempusfudgeit · 14/09/2021 21:20

@Retrievemysanity

Seconded. I definitely think your MIL is trying to guilt you into living close by.

parietal · 14/09/2021 21:24

you have to sell it. moving to the wrong house in the wrong area just because of your MIL's emotional attachment is guaranteed to be a bad idea.

your DH needs to tell his mum that moving does not work for you and can't happen, so you have to sell to allow someone else to appreciate the lovely house.

can the house be sold as is or does it need work?

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