Moving house

[Blossomtotty]

Hi my husband and I are in our 80s ,we have lived in our semi for 35 years, now we are older we find the garden a problem, we have steep stairs and no downstairs loo. For some years because of these issues I wanted to move but my husband wouldn’t, now he has decided he would.
We saw a bungalow a couple of years ago we liked , but for various reasons didn’t do anything about it, then the owner died and due to COVID the probate took almost a year. The bungalow went on the market we had sold our house as we knew the bungalow would be up for sale ,and would need to be sold to put in an offer, which we did ,and it was excepted however when we went to have another look at the bungalow it had deteriorated badly and we couldn’t get anyone to refurbish ,so we withdrew our offer, Then a builder bought it and refurbished it, ( all this took 2 years) so again we put in an offer which was excepted, we had sold our house again so it was fine,
The problem that we now have ,is that it has taken so long that I have become totally anxious and stressed.I am not eating, or sleeping, I am having panic attacks ,and I feel sick and ill with it all, I have two sons one has just gone to live abroad,the other thinks we shouldn’t have looked for a property at our age , because it would be stressful,and now I don’t know if I even want the bungalow I just want it all to go away, I have spoken to my GP today and he feels I am in need of help medically due to the stress and fully understands my reasoning, I can’t seem to clear my head to make a decision on whether to move or not . I wish I had never set eyes on the place, Has anyone had this sort of issue in the family and how was it dealt, please be kind because I feel at my witts with it all.

Moving is stressful - but it sounds like once you have moved in to the bungalow, a lot of issues will be resolved (no steep stairs, all the rooms on one level, presumably a more manageable garden?).
Can you afford to get a good moving firm & have them pack for you? That will help a lot with the practical side of things.

I had intended to have a remover pack for us,as I really couldn’t cope with that, and I don’t know why I am feeling like this,except that I have to do everything I don’t like using the phone as I am very hard of hearing, I am getting everything out of proportion ,and feel the easiest option would be to stay put,( we like the house otherwise ) I feel frightened ( I don’t know why ) .and I know amongst my boys they are talking about us ,saying we shouldn’t have started it all ,but said we had been determined to move .which we were ,but that was 2 years ago , ( my husband is 88 )
We do feel if they had given us some help then we would have been ok, but they didn’t think we should do it so weren’t helpful, now they seem to be getting annoyed with us, my husband isn’t bothered whether we move or not.

I'm not sure if there is a specific problem, or if you're just overwhelmed by the idea of change, which is understandable.

To relate an experience which might help you think about the options:

I have family who I nagged to extend to adapt their house (or move) for years. They are now stuck; older and more infirm than you, genuinely unable as well as unwilling to move, and we're having to adapt the house as best we can because they can't cope with the extension(s) needed to do a proper job. It's all very unsatisfactory- the adaptations are clumsy and awkward however much we try to make them otherwise. The next thing we'll have to put in is a stairlift, which will be difficult due to the design of the house and will look awful. And it still won't be even remotely as good as if they could live all on one floor.

It looks like you have done all the hard bits (bar the move, and you can pay the movers to pack, as Awkwardpaws27 wisely says). If you don't do it now, surely it will be harder later on, if not impossible?

Moving always seems worse than it actually is , it's really a case of being organised , making lists and following them , outsource help as much as you can , be through with reducing what you are taking as it will be easier - again you can get help with this and the packing, focus on what the move will mean in good terms - less gardening, no stairs , everything new and working, less 'stuff' to bother with

I would expect it's ages since you last moved and a combination of too much build up of possessions to deal with, memories, change and lack of current experience of a move is putting you off

Possessions are easy to deal with - get help to reduce , pack and repack
Memories you will take wherever you go
Change can be exciting if you let it be
Lack of recent experience = Talk to your agent , solicitor etc they will both understand and help

Good luck with the new house it sounds pretty exciting

Ps I'm about to exchange in the next couple of days - I love moving but this point is always where I get cold feet ! Just got to look to the next chapter and new possibilities 😀

Forget what the kids think, this is for you two. In the long term, a bungalow could mean you can stay at home longer or even forever together, compared to a house with no downstairs loo where you'd have to have all sorts of things put in and even then it might not work.

Of course, if you can't face it, you can't, we can all only do so much, but if it will make it easier and safer every day to live your lives in the future, it may be worth gritting your teeth and doing it- how close are you be to moving if you went through with it?
I don't want to influence you to do anything that you can't cope with, I just worry for you that you will end up like my relatives if you stay- fighting unnecessary difficulties.
Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.

@Blossomtotty

Hi my husband and I are in our 80s ,we have lived in our semi for 35 years, now we are older we find the garden a problem, we have steep stairs and no downstairs loo. For some years because of these issues I wanted to move but my husband wouldn’t, now he has decided he would. We saw a bungalow a couple of years ago we liked , but for various reasons didn’t do anything about it, then the owner died and due to COVID the probate took almost a year. The bungalow went on the market we had sold our house as we knew the bungalow would be up for sale ,and would need to be sold to put in an offer, which we did ,and it was excepted however when we went to have another look at the bungalow it had deteriorated badly and we couldn’t get anyone to refurbish ,so we withdrew our offer, Then a builder bought it and refurbished it, ( all this took 2 years) so again we put in an offer which was excepted, we had sold our house again so it was fine, The problem that we now have ,is that it has taken so long that I have become totally anxious and stressed.I am not eating, or sleeping, I am having panic attacks ,and I feel sick and ill with it all, I have two sons one has just gone to live abroad,the other thinks we shouldn’t have looked for a property at our age , because it would be stressful,and now I don’t know if I even want the bungalow I just want it all to go away, I have spoken to my GP today and he feels I am in need of help medically due to the stress and fully understands my reasoning, I can’t seem to clear my head to make a decision on whether to move or not . I wish I had never set eyes on the place, Has anyone had this sort of issue in the family and how was it dealt, please be kind because I feel at my witts with it all.

Can you adapt your house to your needs? If not moving is the best idea. Get a removal company to pack for you and put all the big stuff into storage. Then book yourself a nice hotel stay or pub lunch on the day of moving in and pay them to unpack it all too. Use a professional service - it’s more expensive but worth the cost.

Tell your sons you want their help. They aren’t mind readers - yes they moaned but if you haven’t asked for help you don’t know if they’ll refuse. And get yourself out and about, talking to people. Contact SAGA for groups or join a fitness group. You need to stop stressing over this. People far older than you make the move, you can do it, but you need to believe in yourself.

What a shame your son isn’t helping. I think that is the only thing that is making you question the move.

You have known of this bungalow for a long time now. I think it is meant to be for you. Please do make the move. You’ve received wise words of encouragement above.

I think that you should definitely move - the bungalow sounds ideal.

I also think that you should take the medication that the doctor is recommending.

Your sons are not being very nice to you but they are in the wrong, not you.

Moving is overwhelming and you have other issues on top of that so no wonder you’re struggling.

Bless you, I hope that in 3 months time you’ll be all settled in your new home and this will just seem like a distant nightmare.

Also, if you struggle with phone calls, use email instead.

It is a shame your children aren't being more helpful as I would have thought not having a downstairs loo would be reason enough for them to realise that a bungalow would be a far better option for you.

I think it might be one of those things where, although there will be a period of stress, once you are out the other side you will be glad you did it.

You asked if anyone had a similar experience in their family. Well many years ago, my grandmother was in a similar situation to you where she wanted to move but my grandfather didn't. They stayed put and living in their big house with a big garden and lots of stairs became more difficult over time and they had to do things like moving a bed down into the living room and ultimately trying to adapt that house became more stressful than if they had just moved.

I can totally understand why you feel so stressed and done with it as two years of almost moving into that bungalow is a very long time! And when dealing with people, let them know you struggle with phone calls and to email you instead. It is stressful enough trying to move let alone if you are unable to hear all of the information.

Best wishes to you and I hope you feel better soon!

My grantparents in law are a similar age to you. They had lived in their house for 40+ years, raising their four children in it and hosting many family parties, gatherings etc.

Like with yourselves the house became unmanageable due to lack of proper downstairs facilities and a very steep, narrow staircase.

They first thought about moving 6 years ago after one of them took a tumble and we had to set them up a bedroom downstairs.

However, they were nervous, indecisive etc and came up with excuses about not committing to putting the house on the market (let's get the bedrooms painted first, we're off on holiday, it's nearly Christmas etc.) and even went on and off the market a couple of times.

It took one of them needing a (second) knee replacement to make them realise they had to move.

Because of covid delays etc they were able to move in before the knee replacement was needed which was amazing!

They moved into a bungalow just before Christmas and although it needs work they are much happier. They've had a proper wet room installed etc. and with the money from downsizing they have bought proper beds and arm chairs to help them stand/sit etc.

However they had people to help. One son dealt with the legals, another helped with the move, the builder is a friend of the family etc etc.

Moving is very stressful, but it sounds like it will be completely worth it.

You should be able to do a lot via email (the only person I've spoken to over the phone was our estate agent when we first listed the house) which can be really helpful. I'd recommend getting packers and movers and giving your sons a kick up the backside to start helping you in whatever way they can.

@Blossomtotty I just wanted to wish you well with your move.
Although my situation is not the same . I moved house a month ago - the process of estate agents /solicitors etc was really stressful and I started to doubt if I really wanted to move to the new place and I kept worrying it was going to be a big mistake. I had lived in my home town my whole life and I was nervous of moving somewhere else.
But the moving Day was the least stressful part of it and it felt right the moment we moved in . We have been here a month and it really feels like home

Thank you all so much for your kind words, It has made me cry because I felt so alone, I don’t know why I am feeling so stressed about it, my youngest son , that has gone abroad to live is very comfortable off, and it is with his and his wife’s help ( a loan to be repaid when we pass on ) .he thinks he helps by badgering me and talking me down about my fears because they have become “ fears “ , That I now feel the loan was an easy option for him ………here’s the loan get your bungalow it’s no problem ,and that’s it. The other son feels I wanted the bungalow ,I now have the option and funds to have it , don’t be a bother. I truly wished I didn’t feel so stressed and ill about it ,I don’t seem able to rationalise my thoughts ,I worked for CAB in my younger days and helped so many people and was very happy to do it , so why can’t I now help myself. I am terrified of the paper work ie notifying everyone ,and of contacting the removers ( who I intended to pack and unpack for me ,as I know if I had to do that I really would not give a thought to the move. ) I know if I don’t move my sons would jump on it and I would get lots of verbal ,but I just cannot seem to shake this ‘ I can’t do this “ feeling off. Even writing this has been helpful ,my husband says I will land up in the hospital the way I,m going,and he doesn’t care if we move or not . But I don’t seem to find that helpful either. So sorry to be so negative but I feel so in need of support and mostly some understanding as to just how ill
I feel.
Thank you everyone.

I'm sorry your family are being so unsupportive. It sounds like you've made a solid, practical decision which you will all benefit from in the future. Can you bring your DH onboard? Whether he wants to move or not, you are and him being resistant at this point isn't helping (guess you know this!). The other stuff, write a list and plan when you need to do things do maybe won't seem so overwhelming. I wondered if you had anyone other than DH and sons to talk through your worries with? Wishing you good luck with your new home - hope it is a happy home for the long term.

I think you have already had great advice so far. Moving is so stressful. I second using email rather than the phone. Less chance of miscommunication that way.

You sound overwhelmed with what you need to do and no one else is helping. I would write a list of things you need to do. Then each day set aside a little time to do or start something on the list. I've found with moving everything takes time and you don't need to rush to get everything done immediately. Small steps each day will be enough for you to move. Keep posting here as you will get support which it sounds like you need.

Alcesalces has a good idea there- make a list of people to contact, make a brew, and sit down with the phone/computer and deal with one of them. Then you can tick that off. Take a break, repeat. As the ticks grow you should start to feel better, and more in control. Everything looks impossible until you break it down to doing just one thing at a time- I'm sure you know that from your CA days. And don't be afraid to tell people like removals firms that you're elderly and finding it all very difficult- if they are halfway decent they will be reassuring. Sometimes in such cases, ringing a firm up and getting human contact may help you, though of course you'll want contracts in writing/email afterwards to confirm things.
Maybe your sons really don't understand how difficult you're finding it, especially if they still think of you in your younger days. It's often difficult for younger people to realise how much we slow down as we get older, and how things they'd do without even thinking about it, like phoning up a removals firm, can seem daunting until you actually do it.
Do keep us in touch, I'm sure all of us are rooting for you. And if you have a specific worry, someone here may have experienced the same and know the solution.

Hello, I am sorry you are feeling so stressed, but it's normal, I was tearing my hair out when I sold my house after my husband died.

I had a five bedroom railway station and have moved to a three bedroom bungalow. Smaller garden, smaller bills, and a bus goes past. Fantastic move but I bought far too much with me. If you can, start getting rid of your larger furniture that won't fit the new bungalow and declutter everything you can, don't pay to pack stuff you don't really want.

British Heart Foundation collect furniture, or you could use the Facebook sales pages, or ebay.

Get a notebook and write everything down in it to do with the move.

It's fantastic you are able to use a computer, and as others have said, use email whenever you can.

Try and detach yourself and make lists.

Do you have any pets to move as well? Moving my cat was one of my biggest worries, sorted by buying a huge dog crate so she was safe in the bathroom during the moving in.

My second worry was where to put the house sale funds, I found Moneysavingexpert really informative. Most banks will protect your house sale funds, but I played it safe and put my sale funds into NS&I.

I found this list very useful as to whom to inform, print it out if you can and tick off as you go.

I packed a suitcase with essential items for moving day but forgot my first aid kit - crushed my toe on my first night, had no idea where any first aid stuff was!

www.bbc.co.uk/homes/property/moving_notifychecklist.shtml

Good luck.

Your sons seem quite unsupportive and even a little bit selfish. I wonder if they feel you may expect them to be involved in the actual move, packing etc
You have proved you can do many things regarding the move as you have managed to sell house a couple of times and deal with agents. The legal side is stressful but if you ask estate agent and solicitor to guide you and explain anything you are unsure about this will help.
Packing/unpacking service will help along with a reliable company to do it all.
Redirect post so you need not worry about changing address with none essential people for a short time.
Stay in a hotel for the first night if you can so you don't have to rush about making beds if it gets late.
Sounds like this bungalow is meant to be so don't miss out again and good luck.