How to agree house changes with spouse

[FoofOfTheWalkingDead]

I'm not sure whether to post this on Relationships or on here! I figured there must be quite a few people whose renovation plans hit the skids because they couldn't agree with their spouse.
The problem is that we live in a very small house that can't be extended within a reasonable budget. (I've posted on here before about my awkward house, now I'm posting about awkward DH!) We've decided to plump for a new kitchen and have agreed on no major structural changes to minimise cost and disruption. I, however, have been having a play with the kitchen planners and looking around at other houses in the neighbourhood to optimise what we can do. I want a bit more radical design which would involve moving two doors in load bearing walls and changing the path from the front door to the back. DH is adamantly opposed to this and wants to keep all structures as they are. If we do this the layout of the kitchen will remain awkward and inefficient so I have dug my heels in. Now DH says that if we can't agree then we should move, even though he doesn't want to move at all. Besides, the only places we can afford are not in our lovely neighbourhood where we have great neighbours and DS has his school and all his friends.
So we are at an impasse and avoid the subject of the kitchen because it's exhausting. If you had opposing renovation views to a partner, how did you resolve it?

What is his reasoning?

Is it worth getting an architect to look round and make suggestions? Would a professional reassure him?

Go on the Sarah Beeny programme!

If you’re trying to minimise costs then he might have a point. If that’s the basis of his objection is that your ideas are expensive, then could you get quotes for both plans to compare and go from there? If that’s not it then it’s tricker! I recommend finding something about your plan that will really appeal to him- has he always wanted an integrated coffee machine or 2 dishwasher for instance and can your plan make that an option?

Your new kitchen sounds expensive. Perhaps you are better saving the cash ready for a future move, especially if you agree your house is too small.

We talk, respectfully, until we agree. We both suggest options and explore them together, rather than decide what we want, then try and persuade the other. It can take a long time, sometimes months and even years of planning, which onlookers can find strange, but we find in the end we get the best results that way, and both of us are fully committed to the final plan. If we can't find something we both like, we leave it for a bit and come back to it, maybe a few weeks later- maybe longer for bigger projects. That sort of pause often breaks the emotional attachment that can build up with an idea, and helps all the options be seen in a more impartial, practical way.
Took years to decide on how we wanted a conservatory, but the one we got in the end was fantastic- far better than either of us could have designed on our own- the best of both worlds.

Give and take. He wins some disagreements, I win others.

Thanks, useful advice! I'm afraid I wasn't very respectful this afternoon when I called him intractable. I will be more conciliatory next time and ask him to talk through his objections specifically. Its tricky, I have a clear vision how I want the space because I spend so much time in there. He does very little of the cookng (not through laziness, I'm on a complicated diet I have to follow for health issues so it's easier) so I think my wishes should get a higher priority.
The kitchen in question will be very small and not high end, probably from DIY Kitchens. The added cost of moving the doors is something we can afford and way cheaper than moving!

It’s tricky because houses are not just houses - it’s home, it’s the place you need to feel secure and happy.

I would suggest you try and find a good time for a chat - no distraction from footie, kids, work etc. Sit down and lay down your views. Explain how much your quality of life would be improved by the new design, why you think it’s worth it (especially if lots of neighbours have done the same) and how important it is for you. Underline the disadvantages of moving houses, especially in this market. And also listen to him - what exactly is his objection? Some people are just thrifty and don’t like to spend, even at the expense (pun intended!) of quality of life. Some people have a fear of running out of money, which can bring up bad memories or insecurities.

If your DH (1) isn’t worried about money, (2) understands that the new design is better, and (3) doesn’t want to move homes, then why is he reacting like this? He needs to clearly express why he is so opposed to your suggestion. He may not know himself - be prepared to dig and make sure he doesn’t feel attacked, as this often lead to digging heels.

Good luck!

Get quotes for both options! If just moving a doorway i.e. not fully opening a load bearing wall it might not be as expensive as you or he thinks. We always get quotes for absolutely flipping everything so we can make a fully informed decision.

I agree with @randommess go on one of the programmes, a friend of mine did and got so many discounts/freebies it was worth being on tv!

Worth getting in a good builder or architect for a chat- maybe both. We discussed for ages the possibilities of rearranging a layout, but it was hampered by the fact we thought we couldn't move a door to where we really wanted it. Got a builder in, and he listened to the problems and said, why not move the door there? We said, but we can't, can we, there isn't space? He said, I'll just make it smaller than a standard door and it will be fine. It was. That was basic, but professionals know all sorts of novel/crafty ways round things too. Our electrician just suggested a way round having sockets in kitchen cupboards (which I hate) - a thing like a mini switchboard. We didn't even know they existed. Likewise our plumber found a way round another problem. You may be able to find a compromise between his ideas and yours, if you both keep an open mind and get in one or two people for their ideas too.

Some people just can't visualise a space. My DH is very good at it - I find it much more difficult.

Can you take him to a house where something similar has been done or show him pictures on line?

We compromised on stuff as well. Big renovation so lots of decisions to be made.

We also took advice from kitchen planners, builders and friends.

@BlueMongoose don't want to derail thread but what is the mini switchboard thing...we've got an issue with sockets in an Island...

Do you know any of your neighbours who might have done similar/can you find similar pictures online/on Zoopla of a kitchen is the same area same type of house that has had similar alterations done? Might help him if he has seen it

Rip up your plan and start again doing it together so you both get to think through what you want/need and how the kitchen layout would work best.

I always find one person (usually me!) powering ahead with a plan, especially if it results in significant, costly or structural changes to your home, and presenting as a fait accompli never ends well.

We do what bluemongoose said.

Sometimes it takes ages for us to decide what we want but it's always great when we finally do.

Having said that we both control our own areas within reason. Eg DH gets more say over the garage and I get more say over the kitchen

I suggest the most outlandish/extravagant/whackiest thing that I know he will never agree to so that the “compromise” option is about the level I actually want