Neighbour harassment - advice please!

[KJG456]

Sorry in advance for the long post! We are having a problem with our neighbour would really appreciate any advice...

Our 1.5yo has been in own room since 5 months. On average LO sleeps through about 4 nights a week. On other nights will wake up once, cry for a few mins before one of us is in to settle.
We’ve been in our detached semi for 3yrs and were previously on good terms with our neighbours (mum and two adult sons) but when the older son returned home after uni with his girlfriend the harassment started.
He shares a bedroom wall with our LO and in the last 9 months we’ve had 4 emails, 2 letters by mail (as well as one to an architect we contracted), multiple SMS exchanges and 3 face to face conversations to try and explain we have done all we can.
They bang on the walls, play loud music in room, slam doors repeatedly, stomp on the stairs so our doors rattle etc. all deliberately to disturb us and our baby. We have sound proofed every shared bedroom wall, they also put sound proofing in their sons room.
I am 5.5month pregnant, take medication to manage anxiety and depression and work a stressful job. I am sick of constantly trying to suppress what we’ve been told is a very healthy part of baby’s development to prevent their behaviour. We are constantly stressed about the situation and what will happen when our new baby arrives.
We fully appreciate that hearing a crying baby is not ideal, but would have hoped a mother of two would empathise and know it’s not going to last forever.
I feel dread every time we take our baby into the room for something that we just can’t help. It’s as if they expect to do whatever they want without complaint, yet expect us to be completely silent and meet every demand they make.
We are way beyond a mediator as I haven’t spoken to her since she yelled in my face what a bad mother I was. We are reluctant to take legal action that we would have to declare should we want to sell our house.

Thanks for reading - wondering if anyone has experienced a similar issue and can share any advice?

I'm so sorry to hear this it sounds extremely stressful and upsetting, I would stop engaging with the neighbour and I would keep a detailed log of everything that happens.

So baby cries and the get up in the night and start loud music and slamming doors? Or do they just do this anyway, but are complaining about the noise from your baby crying?

When you put your Dc down to sleep at bedtime do you use cry it out or a variation? If you are going straight away in the night I can't see how it can last more than 2 mins or are you trying to get them to self settle as then YABU.

Any baby cries at times, sometimes if I need a wee my toddler will start crying I've left her, but it's for minutes or if she hurts herself, otherwise I don't see why crying is part of her development ? I don't give into crying to get what she wants, but that's more a grizzle not a full blown desperate cry the neighbours can hear.

Is there a different room the baby could be moved to?

@hopingtobehappiness

So baby cries and the get up in the night and start loud music and slamming doors? Or do they just do this anyway, but are complaining about the noise from your baby crying?

When you put your Dc down to sleep at bedtime do you use cry it out or a variation? If you are going straight away in the night I can't see how it can last more than 2 mins or are you trying to get them to self settle as then YABU.

Any baby cries at times, sometimes if I need a wee my toddler will start crying I've left her, but it's for minutes or if she hurts herself, otherwise I don't see why crying is part of her development ? I don't give into crying to get what she wants, but that's more a grizzle not a full blown desperate cry the neighbours can hear.

They get up to bang on walls, slam doors etc. They actually make far more noise than the baby! Our monitor records us going in after a couple of minutes which we told them. But they insist we just leave baby to cry - definitely not the case. Sometimes baby won't settle even when we are in the room - had v bad reflux that needed medication, teething etc.

The neighbours are clearly not reasonable stable people as evidenced by the yelling in your face incident, problem is you're locked into a stalemate standoff type situation where both sides are now triggered by anything the other does

@UhtredRagnarson

Is there a different room the baby could be moved to?

That would seem to be the obvious solution?

@UhtredRagnarson

Is there a different room the baby could be moved to?

We have an attic room but we worry about toddler on stairs. They have a spare room their side.

They sound awful and very unreasonable. Possoy unstable. No reasonable person would act like that. I'm really sorry you are in this situation but unfortunately I don't think it will just go away and I'm not sure that reporting it (not even sure who that would be to) would do any good. I'd try to find a way to qppease the neighbours purely for your own sake (and to stop them disturbing the baby further)... can't you swap rooms with the baby?

I'd try to move. It sounds so stressful

Yes I might try to move too. I know that's easier said than done but I can't imagine having to deal with that every day/night!

It sounds like this is more their problem than yours in that they are engaging in anti-social behaviour whereas you just have a baby 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I were you I’d just carry on as you are. You have done nothing wrong.

Have you spoken to the council re noise abatement....as far as I’m aware there’s nothing they can do about normal family noise (eg baby crying) but loud music etc is a different matter.

I can fully sympathise. My neighbour turned against me when I had another baby and decided to start shouting so loudly in his garden and engage in long, drawn out diy building projects so we couldn’t use the garden. His fence is also too low so we have no privacy - I think he was trying to force us to move - in the end it backfired on him and as I used to actually give a shit and was quite considerate. I just don’t bother anymore, he is nothing to me.

Who the hell do they think they are?

If I was his mum god help him, @KJG456 just stop pandering to them, this is harassment so treat it as such and report them. I am sure they will not want a criminal record, I am outraged for you. Baby's cry, seriously start standing up to them!

And THIS Possoy unstable. No reasonable person would act like that.

It is their problem not yours....in my own neighbours case, he definitely has issues. These kind of things can happen when people are trying to dump their s#*t on you to make themselves feel better. Don’t take it from them, let them keep it.

seriously start standing up to them
To be fair OP is pregnant and one wouldn't want to risk getting into an altercation with people with whom one shares a load-bearing wall🙈
I'd like to think that in these circumstances my partner would go around and give them a good talking to but then again that would just tend to escalate things. It's very difficult when you're right up in each other's faces all the time I'm because of living next door

I guess it's the prolonged crying, maybe they get very angry quickly. If it's a short burst surely they'd go back to sleep. I think you just need to move the cot away from the shared wall ( if it's near it) Play some low volume white noise / sleep music all night to aid and give your toddler and new baby whatever they need ( pick your battles) If it was a colic or reflux and it happens again for the new one you just have to do your best.

You've sound proofed a bit, but things like carpet, curtains and blinds help absorb noise. Is it a wooden floor?

Surely new baby will be in with you for 6 months so that will help.

Plus they sound very aggressive, you can only do so much then you have to just live.

@hopingtochangeeachtime has given really good suggestions

Your neighbours DO sound v unreasonable, as its only a baby, but they can be v load (my much younger brother cried loud enough to wake neighbours in a detached house!)

moving the cot, & putting lots of textiles around will absorb sound as much as possible. I would also tell them what you have done, & suggest they may wish to move their bed to another wall

You have done nothing wrong, they are behaving poorly & you could report them, but probably not worth it over a temporary issue (don't create a neighbour dispute and devalue your house)

Children are classed as an unenforceable noise nuisance by virtue of the fact that kids make noise!

Are you homeowners or do you rent? You could report them to the local authority ASB team or environmental health but it really depends how far you're willing to take it.

I work in this area so if your neighbours came to me about this complaint I'd tell them there is nothing we can do, however if they continue with their behaviour they could be done for harassment or noise nuisance.

My advice, record EVERYTHING. Diarise everything, dates, times, what they did, and the effect it had on you.
If you can record anything on your phone safely, do it. Have it date and time stamped. The authorities will need all of this.

Thank you all so much for the advice - really appreciate the time taken to comment.
We will look at buying rugs etc as recommended to create further sound insulation, and maybe this will help to appease the issue.
I have all the letters, emails, texts, video recordings and a list of dates and times. Hopefully I won't need to use them any time soon!
Thanks again all!