Help me not drive myself crazy please. Keep thinking I made big house move mistake which I don't know how to feel better about.

[daryldixonwonmyheart]

A year ago I decided to sell up and move to my current, smaller home in a cheaper area I know but have no links with. I'm not sure the backstory is relevant but, for lots of reasons, I felt very anxious about the size of my then mortgage and the move was to enable me to massively reduce the mortgage amount and also running costs of a smaller home so that I can retire from my NHS frontline job before I keel over. I really have lost the will to go on, this last year has done for me. Where I live now is only a few minutes from my previous town and I'm still close to my DC's and friends so that's a positive I guess.

The thing is - I keep thinking I've made a big mistake. The house doesn't feel as substantial as my previous, older and more characterful place (because it isn't). Having said that, my previous 1930s house had a tiny kitchen which was only big enough for one person to be in at a time and the tiny bathroom was on end of it.

So the sub floors creak when I walk across them. I only noticed this when I replaced the cheap and cold laminate flooring with thick underlay and carpet. The boiler and washing machine is in the garage and I'm constantly anxious that they're going to seize up in cold weather (even though the boiler has quite happily worked for the last 6 years and all the pipes are lagged) . This will sound crazy but sometimes I think the house is going to fall down. I am autistic by the way and I have anxiety which is triggered by some sensory issues with sound and touch and I have an ability to see and feel things which aren't symmetrical or even.

There is a conservatory which is on its last legs at the back of the house - it's a good size and has electric socket and radiator but it's all glass so not really usable as a living space (great for drying washing on a warm day though). I'm going to have to decide what to do before much longer as it's had a couple of leaks at the joint to the house and the lead flashing would need replacing which I just don't want to do given what I've said about the age and utility of the space. However, the conservatory protects the open plan downstairs from exposure to draft, wet etc as the kitchen french doors open into it.

The thing is my dilemma is whether to try and fix the things which really get to me, and when I say they get to me I mean I am having sleepless nights because I feel stuck and don't know what to do, hence this dread that I really have been a twit and made a huge mistake right at the time when I needed to be more savvy.

When I retire I'd have some money to take up the (expensive) carpets and have new sub floors and upstairs floors put down and I might be able to have a newer conservatory put up which is more insulated. But really, I thought I'd done with all that, the purpose of the move seems to be rapidly evaporating. And I've done zero research on the costs of conservatories that would serve as usable spaces.

But - I don't know. I think I'm posting to stop the thoughts going round and round my mind and so I can get a sense of perspective from other people. I definitely don't have the money to build an extension and the garden is small anyway (which is what I wanted, sunny and square shaped so all good there).

Long, rambly but indicative of what goes around my head. DC's say take down the conservatory when it's really had enough and just put up a permanent awning type thing with a nice patio area (they don't know about my issue with the floor and other visual details, they would roll their eyes).

Please forgive me if this is insensitive but could you be struggling with change? Some of my family suffer from this so even little things - swapping the food bin, buying a new car, knocking down a wall - become emotionally charged events while I look on with this face .

In practical terms can you consider what is the priority and make a decision to do ONE thing a year. If it's replacing the conservatory or painting the walls or fixing the floor, then do that.

It's also possible that you're struggling with the lack of normal life so over-thinking the stuff in front of you.

Good luck in your new home

First of all congratulations on selling your old house in the middle of a pandemic and making sensible plans for your future. It sounds as if you chose very well on location too. I have also just downsized and also have a place with an ageing conservatory!

It is always a wrench to move and I reckon it takes (me) a couple of years for a place to really feel like home so I wonder how much of your anxiety is due to the change and possibly linked to a feeling that this is a step down in life. In many ways it is, but it's a good one, lower bills, less maintenance and financial freedom. Those are all really important things and not to be sneezed at.

The thing to bear in mind also is that you own the house, there is no rush to make decisions and sometimes you need to live in a place for a while to decide what is really important to you. And remember, just because you can do something does not mean you have to; whilst we can always, always find work to do to our houses, presumably you did not downsize to spend lots of money on your house. It is also fine to say, yup that is not perfect but I'm not planning to do anything about it.

Is the sub-floor really a problem or just creaky? Maybe just make the decision to live with it for another year and then decide if you can live with it as it is. IMO things like that become part of your experience of the house and you stop noticing them after a while when you get bored of thinking about them.

Can you sub-divide the garage so the boiler and washing machine are in a small part of it and the boiler keeps that part warm? (maybe add an electric heater with a frost stat if you want additional reassurance). That should not be an expensive job to do.

For the conservatory I'd just have a think about how often you go in your current one and for what purpose. Personally I have decided that I will have my unlovely UPVC version taken down next year (by which time I think it really will have reached the end of its life) and not replace it. I wouldn't sit in it anyway so I refuse to spend money replacing it and I don't think that would change if I had it expensively rebuilt as a garden room. At the moment it is a clutter and laundry room. Having a bit more garden will be a welcome alternative.

I recognise the glass doors from the kitchen into the conservatory may need an upgrade but I will live with them through a winter first and see.

Does that help at all?

When did you actually move, as opposed to decide to move? It takes most people around a year to start to feel like their new house is home. I struggle with anxiety and after around a year I was feeling much more settled.

The day I moved in I cried as everything just felt so foreign to me (as in strange and not mine) and it smelt like someone else's home. Yes there are things I would like to change but it feels like home now.

And also Covid will have contributed to you not feeling at home. The things that can help haven't been happening for most, whether that is popping to the local shop or library and having a little chat or being smiled at, and getting a routine that gives security. The usual things have gone, but in time.you will likely get there. Worst case is you may choose to move in another year or two, and that's ok.

@NewHouseNewMe - not insensitive at all. Yes change is hard and although intellectually I know that moving house and retiring are massive decisions, I'm not sure which of the two are most stressful tbh.
Thinking about just one thing for this year could help if I'm able to keep my focus on one thing.

And the consvatory is an area that I put stuff; it's a tidy dumping groud. Ideally I'd have it as the place I could go and relax, maybe have a small table in there to sit and have breakfast or something. But the glazing is failing, the doors don't quite seal, there's mould growing up the edge bits so it's not a pleasant area to use really.

Other PP's- I actually moved immediately before Christmas 2020, so days before the first news reports of "a new virus" being broadcast.
But this last year has meant that everything has been much more complicated and long winded to organise which, on reflection, makes it harder for me to see things as others do. I'm also 10 years older than the last time I moved and got stuck into alot of the work on the last house myself - it felt mine and like home more quickly because of that but tbh I'm now early 60s and although I'm fit enough I feel my resourcefulness is very low, especially with work being so demanding.

@Bonariensis
you hit the nail on the head - it does feel like a step down - not in terms of no longer having a 'naice' house but I almost feel like I've gone backwards, somehow. Things feel less substantial; I don't feel like I belong anywhere, I almost feel like I'm grieving something, silly as that sounds.

I have also been thinking about doing something with the garage, yes,and I think that could be quite simple for a builder to do.

TY.

Hi OP you have my sympathy. Moving is more stressful the older you get so bravo for doing it now. I also get the feelings of grief as have experienced them myself after moving from a loved home.
What has always helped me is to make the new property as much my own as soon as I can. In your case i would rip the conservatory out ASAP and create a feel good space to enjoy. Then take on the other issues as and when you are able. Good luck.

I also want to say a huge well done for making such a hard decision (to downsize) when you still have the resources (physical and mental) to do it. So many people miss this 'window' and then just can't face a move which causes even more ongoing stress. Also, don't underestimate the toll that moving at the same time as the pandemic has taken on you. ASD complicates things further and there is only a little emerging research on how it effects women in mid/later life.

In my experience, the thoughts running around your head about 'fixing' your house might be more to do with 'fixing' your life, change/stress and feeling out of control in some ways. If you can perhaps 'park' some of them and tell yourself that you won't do anything for 3/6/12 months (but will address them properly then) some of your worries about the house might dissipate too.

In a not dissimilar situation here and the last year including a move has taken a much greater toll than I realised.