How do I deal with persistently unkind neighbours?

[stirling]

Hello
Didn't know where to post this. Hope someone can advise...
My neighbours are in their late 60s and have a large extended house. I'm a single mum joining them in a semi detached and needless to say, sound travels but works they have carried out in recent years has really amplified all sound.
They're deadly silent by, literally not a pin dropping but at night they come alive. 2 am is their favourite time to start running up and down the stairs, banging doors, closing drawers and it goes on for about an hour. In the spring and summer the man likes to move plant pots in his garden at 6.30am right outside my bedroom window literally everyday.
Then of course when the grandchildren from two families come over its like a herd of elephants at 6.30/7 running around in their shoes on wooden floors (they're privately educated so really long holidays). Incredulously, it's pindrop silence, can't hear a peep from the kids. It's weird.

The bit that makes it unbearable is that I have a very painful health condition which badly affects my sleep. So the few hours of sleep I do get, I desperately don't want broken. My health has steadily got worse over the last few days and I have seriously considered having my bladder removed in the past few months. Neighbours are aware of this as they're daughter is a urologist and the woman often asks me about my health and how I am.

I've tried explaining to them countless times that I sleep badly and I would be extremely grateful if they could be mindful of noise during sleeping hours but they just don't care. And I actually think the man does it on purpose. I can tell he doesn't like me.
What can I do?
Thank you

*she sometimes asks, not often!

Can you move your bed - maybe put a wardrobe against the party wall to deaden the noise? Try those soft earplugs? Try a white noise machine?

You can't reason with unreasonable people.

My grumpy old neighbour is like that. If you raised something even in passing, he takes pleasure in deliberately pissing you off. He's an abusive prick of a man. Ticks all the shitty neighbour boxes - parking, fences, noise, trees overhanging, boundaries. Fucking miserable shit.

For example, he and his wife love to garden. Their front garden has lots of nice beds. Which local cats like.
Rather than plant to deter the cats, he keeps a trowel in the bed and routinely flicks the cat poo out and onto the pavement. Across my drive.

My ex DP was going bat shit and wanted to give him an earful. You could literally see two men rising to each other's bait. I forbade DP to speak to him.

I hovered deliberately and caught him in the act.
I teased him about his terrible aim - he is a county sport coach - and how could he possibly miss the drain which is surely what he was aiming for ? Basically I embarrassed him for something else, not the actual act.

I've done the same with his parking - laughed that I could do with lessons from his wife on parking as she seems to be perfectly aligned with the curb.

Anyway, having moved in with total warnings from the previous tenants, he is putty in my hands. I admire his plants, his stupid car, give him 5 minutes to waffle about his beloved sport sometimes. I let him brag. Then I cut him down but sideways and indirectly.

You need to find some weird psychology with these A grade aggressive abusive men.

Sorry. I waffled. Was that at all helpful?

Could you try ear plugs?
It's difficult to ask neighbours not to use their own house and garden for their and their grandkids' enjoyment. My neighbours also liked gardening before work. Apparently it's a lovely time to garden.

Ear plugs sound proofing and move bed.

Thanks everyone. Replies are helpful. Earplugs, argh, I've got through about 10 types so far. My silly ears are always itchy and sensitive so they aggravate. It's going to have to be soundproofing as my bed is on the other side away from the wall, makes no difference. Their wooden flooring and shoes, sound just travels to the furthest corner of my house.
chuffedasbuttons I do see what you mean and it's good you can do that. I never really see them out in Winter.
I have this raging need to let them know they are jeapordising my health and they HAVE to stop. The wife has a chronic lung disease and I would never be so callous as to do things I'd like to that might exacerbate her condition - eg use my garden chimnea, sitting redundant...

Maybe stick ear defenders on

But they don't have to stop. They are entitled to enjoyment of their property under law.

The 6.30/7am noise is pretty normal in any working/school going household isn't it. Alarm clocks, car doors, radios, kids arguing etc.

The nighttime noise is different though. Can you go and chat to them, explain that you are poorly, don't sleep very well, and could they try not to slam doors at 2am. They probably don't realise you can hear them.

I know it's a cliche but it's hard to change other people's behaviour, but you can change how you react to other people's behaviour.
I had noisy neighbours and the worst thing was being woken up at 0200 and then not being able to get back to sleep for several hours. Now I do Headspace nighttime SOS and can easily get back to sleep. They haven't changed but I have.

It's not perfect but it's much better than it was.

Kill them with kindness?

I’d be firing up the chiminea. Then soundproof your wall. Sometimes with a bully, the only thing you can do is to fight back. 6.30/7am noise is normal. 2.30am is not. Maybe knock on the door at 2.30 and ask if they are ok seeing as you’ve heard ‘such a commotion’?

Noisy neighbours are selfish and they know what they are doing but they dont care. Fire up the chiminea. I bet they will mention so ignore them. If you can, move before this destroys your mental and physical health.

Thank you again everyone. I do like the idea of the headspace app and killing them with kindness (I've bent over backwards being the kind, caring cooperative neighbour to the point of being cross with myself for pandering to bullies).

Yesbutisittouching and user1471538283 I agree!

You can ask, but they don't have to stop.
It sounds like fairly normal living sounds.
I am sorry you are struggling health wise, can you try sleeping pills?

I’m another agreeing with the killing them with kindness theory. I think generally people like your neighbours don’t really care, and if confronted would more than likely continue or be worse. If however you approach it in a friendly none confrontational way, they will be more inclined to change/compromise.

Record it and complain to the council if that's bad. Work out the hours that they sleep then do the same to them.

A white noise machine and sound cancelling earphones are god sends. My neighbours are the same, it's just everyday noise but it's so loud in my house the soundproofing is non existent.

I live in a victorian terrace and can hear the neighbours dog shake as it walks along the hallway the walls are that thin! I have found a fan on full blast cancels out nearly all their darling childrens footsteps running up and down the wooden corridor at all hours of the night. i know its not the most economic solution but it absolutely works!

You say there is no noise in the day only at night, is it possible that one of your neighbours is suffering with some form of dementia ie alziemers? I used to be a care worker and one of my gentlemen used to get very confused over times of the day, of he dropped off for a nap he would think it was the next day when he woke up, even for 5 minutes. We would regularly get calls from his neighbours that he had been making a huge amount of noise in the wee small hours...he would wake up and be convinced it was the middle of the day and he would suddenly get the urge to move furniture round in his bedroom, or the spare room as he would be convinced that his grandchildren were coming and he needed to get things ready. It was awful for his neighbours.

My neighbour is chronically ill and coughs relentlessly at night and uses oxygen, I suffer bouts of insomnia and the noise drives me insane sometimes so I do feel.your pain. As pp have said, white noise machine, classical music, meditation cds could all help. Alternatively I find national geographic documentaries drown out the noise and bore me into sleep. David Attenborough has a similar soporific effect.