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Difficult neighbours

31 replies

DRMV · 27/11/2020 18:28

We are any a very difficult position where our neighbours (semi detached) are an elderly lady and her son who is probably in his late 50’s with severe learning difficulties. He won’t engage or look you in the eye, is very removed and extremely sensitive to noise. He has a huge problem with children and has previously screamed at our child calling him an idiot and stupid (he is 3...) for playing on his trampoline in our garden. He has also shouted at other children playing in the street if they are in front of their house. We regularly hear him having outbursts of rage - shouting and hitting or banging furniture and can hear him calling his mother a stupid woman, or he will direct his frustrations at us for say, eating in the garden with 2 friends (before lockdown) or for my husband pressure washing the patio and shout at us calling us morons etc. He sometimes sounds like he might come through the wall. Until he directed his anger at our child, we turned a blind eye, but did have a word with his mother when he shouted at our son and she was somewhat sympathetic and said he doesn’t understand. We have no reason to believe he is violent with her, he just has rages over things that must trigger him. Recently things took a turn as he left a menacing letter on our car windscreen directed at my husband and son saying he would damage our property and he was fed up with our son making noise. The note was written on a typewriter, fairly repetitive, erratic and hand written in places and very unnerving. I can hand on heart say our son is very loving, sweet and no noisier than any other young child. He is also out most days at nursery. We called the police about the letter and he has had a warning, but I feel sick to my stomach, fear he may do something to us, our son or our property. I also feel deeply unnerved about the fact this is an issue with mental illness for which I hold a lot of sympathy. I’m so teary and confused with emotion but ultimately must safeguard my son. Has anyone had anything similar or can offer some words of support? The police have been amazing so far and said to record any other incidences but as they are erratic and unprovoked it is very hard to film at the right time etc.

OP posts:
Procrastatron · 27/11/2020 18:32

Oh gosh, no advice but huge sympathy. Bumping for you

DRMV · 27/11/2020 18:39

Thank you, I appreciate it

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 27/11/2020 18:51

Oh my goodness. I would chase this up with the police and try to sort out an intervention.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2020 18:56

Can you move? I would seriously consider doing so.

Fennelandlovage · 27/11/2020 19:00

Could SS intervene?

boredboredboredboredbored · 27/11/2020 19:03

I would move, sorry to say but it sounds like an untenable situation that isn't likely to get better any time soon.

Hercules12 · 27/11/2020 19:03

I would hope the police would have referred to ss but maybe worth checking? no idea if it would meet any criteria though.

boredboredboredboredbored · 27/11/2020 19:06

I also think there is a massive difference between somebody having severe learning difficulties with anger as part of that. A menacing letter and raging directed at a 3 year old is actually quite chilling, more a mental health issue by the sounds of it. Honestly I would be moving.

londongirl12 · 27/11/2020 19:07

Have to agree with the moving suggestions I'm afraid. Can you see yourself living there for the next 5/10 years??

yotoed · 27/11/2020 19:27

If moving isn't an option, have you got any form of cctv or consider getting some? Especially in the garden if there has been outburst aimed at your DC there.
Has he knocked on the front door before? Maybe a 'ring' doorbell or equivalent for the front?
I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds a really difficult and worrying situation.

Smallgoon · 27/11/2020 19:40

@Aquamarine1029

Can you move? I would seriously consider doing so.
Surely they'd have to declare the issues with whoever moves in to replace them?

OP, are you renting or do you own the home?

DRMV · 27/11/2020 19:42

We told the police we think social services should assess but apparently he denied any outbursts etc so I guess it will be down to the officer to went there to decide whether the risk is high enough to get them involved. That’s not something they can disclose to us so I guess time will tell

OP posts:
DRMV · 27/11/2020 19:43

We own it so would need to declare it

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AmIpg · 27/11/2020 19:45

Can you film to show the police?

DRMV · 27/11/2020 19:55

I’ve tried and caught a few tail ends but it’s very difficult as he is so unpredictable you don’t know when he’s going to flip out and by the time you’ve got your phone you’ve normally missed most of it

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165EatonPlace · 27/11/2020 20:05

I would move. Your neighbour will be seen as being vulnerable by the police and social services. Whilst they will be sympathetic to you, his needs will come first. I've been there. I am speaking from experience.

DRMV · 27/11/2020 20:12

Sadly, this is what we will have to look at doing. At the moment it’s not cost effective for us to move, but we are hoping my husband may get a new job in the new year then we will have to wait a few months for his bank statements and then move

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scryingeyes · 27/11/2020 20:22

The least the police can do is put a marker on your house so if you call 999 they will come straight away.
You can start keeping a diary and if it continues I suppose you could get an injunction that he can't talk to you or come on to your property.

I would be worried about escalation when his DM dies as I suspect she might be defusing the situation and his behaviour at present.

I would also consider calling 101 every time so any incident is logged.
Obviously, 999 in an emergency situation.

Hwory · 27/11/2020 20:25

Have you considered installing CCTV?

DRMV · 27/11/2020 20:28

I think we may get an extra camera for our ring doorbell so we can see the front of the house more clearly. And we have sent emails in the past voicing our concerns and I have a few videos, but will have to start logging incidences in more detail I think. Thank you all for the very helpful advice

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Ginnymweasley · 27/11/2020 20:34

If moving isn't an option then definitely look into cctv. I had a neighbour like this who was known to social services with learning difficulties and mental health problems. In the end I contacted them myself. Told them his name and address etc and his social worker started making visits more regularly. So if the police are not helpful you could try contacting them yourself.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 27/11/2020 20:34

Ring door bell and ring cameras, we have them, not for any neighbour issues but for security.

You can set the door bell to record with any movement so the door bell doesn't have to be pushed to activate the camera. I think we pay £8 for all devices and the recordings stay available for a month.

It picks up sound well and one of our Ring cameras is solar powered so no battery changing required. Everything you need to install the Ring door bell comes in the box, everything from the drill bit to the screwdriver. It couldn't be easier to install and there are videos on YouTube showing you how to do it.

It must be very difficult for the man's mother but I imagine terrifying for you due to the unpredictable nature of his outbursts. If you can get anything on camera then you have a much better case for this being taken further with social services or the police.

CorianderQueen · 27/11/2020 22:40

If he is mentally disabled there's not much you can do until he actually does something. I'd move.

AntiHop · 28/11/2020 09:38

If he's in his 50s, his mother must be elderly. It must be very tough for her being his carer.

Unless I'm missing something, it sounds like there have only been two incidents. One when he shouted at your child, plus the note. This is not actually that bad, but I understand it is upsetting.

I have heard that things like day centres are closed due to covid, so if he usually goes to those kind of things, things may settle down once they open again.

I agree with the idea of CCTV. Report any incident to the police as it creates an paper trial.

MangoesAreMyFavourite · 28/11/2020 10:26

Maybe things will settle if day centres are open now? Try speaking with other neighbours to see if he's escalated now? Maybe speak with the DM?