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My partner and I arguing like mad as can’t agree on buying a house

14 replies

Louise2020x · 18/10/2020 22:44

So I’m feeling very angry and upset with this whole situation now.

Been house hunting for a couple of months now, every time we’ve viewed a house we have agreed on whether we like it or not.

We’ve been looking around 3 areas. After seeing around 30 properties got more of an idea of what we like. We ruled out having a box room as second bedroom, be close to a train station, drive for a car (we have 2 cars but room for one is fine), nice garden and decent size living room and kitchen.

We’ve been on a rollercoaster with houses and emotionally it affects me a lot!
First house put an offer in but changed our minds as the extension looked a bit dodgy and hadn’t been built right.
Second house we both loved needed a lot of work doing to it but we were happy still but unfortunately we got outbid.
Third house put an offer in but then one week later it was updated as sold without the estate agent telling us it had sold

Now onto the story of the current house. Lovely home, great price and ticks all the boxes. We both agreed to put an offer in.
We put an offer in on weds, they said they wanted to consider over the weekend so we said up it to asking price but no more viewings if accepted. They came back to me Friday said they accept your offer but they want me to speak to the mortgage advisor that works with the estate agent until then they will do viewings, Spoke to the advisor and then the sellers then cancelled the afternoon viewings and put it up as sold still to confirm.
My partner then decides that he is confused and doesn’t know if he wants this property now.
His saying that he doesn’t want to live in that area but didn’t think to tell me this before we got an offer accepted.
He wants to live in an area that we can’t afford as our budget doesn’t stretch that far for what we want.
We’ve also looked at around 7 houses in this area that he apparently has decided he doesn’t want to live in (the third house was also in this area)

So now we are pulling out of this perfectly good house because he doesn’t want to try and live in an area that is literally 5 min down the road from where he lives. He has lived in the same house his whole life and is saying he only wants to live in that area.
For us to live in the area he wants we need to save around another 20-30 grand. There are houses available in that area for our budget but they are tiny tiny houses with tiny second bedrooms and I don’t want a small second bedroom as the plan is we hopefully have 2 children and the room is way too small to even fit bunk beds in!
Every house we’ve been in with the small second bedroom we have both said Na it’s too small and now his saying it don’t bother him just because he wants to live in that particular area
Then another thing that’s making me really angry is that his happy to look an area that is close to where he lives now and says that area is fine even tho his never lived there so how would he know he would be happy there.

I’m going out of my mind and I feel really angry with him that his putting me through all of this.
He must have known when we put the offer in if he didn’t want to live in that area.
I’m the one who does all the negotiating with estate agents etc and dealing with the mortgage broker etc not him.

I really feel like this is breaking our relationship

OP posts:
QueenOfPain · 18/10/2020 22:48

Are you sure the problem isn’t that he prefer to just live in his childhood home with his mammy and daddy and not move out at all?

I’d be wanting to wring his neck by this point. Also typically that it’s you doing all the administrative labour while he calls the shots.

QueenOfPain · 18/10/2020 22:48

*typical.

chukwe · 18/10/2020 23:02

He's looking for excuses not to leave that house

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 18/10/2020 23:04

I agree it sounds like excuses, he doesn't want to buy a house

Elieza · 18/10/2020 23:21

Yup agree with pp.

myshoelaces · 18/10/2020 23:42

If you move in with and marry this bloke be prepared to do all the wife work and mental load your entire life.

BrowncoatWaffles · 19/10/2020 10:59

It does feel like this isn't a Property/DIY board issue but a Relationships board issue.

I can understand the emotional exhaustion and upset his behaviour is causing you. Time for a full, blunt, cards on the table conversation about whether he's actually wasting your time.

JoJoSM2 · 19/10/2020 11:04

I also agree that he’s looking for excuses not to commit to buying a house.

Bluntness100 · 19/10/2020 11:05

I’d agree, are you sure he wants to move, sounds like ultimately he wants to stay in the house he is in now. Does he live with his parents?

When someone tells you thr only option is something unachievable, then they are telling you they don’t want to do it.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 19/10/2020 11:07

So is he living with his parents and you elsewhere?

I think the compromise should be that you two will park the idea of buying for 6 months, you will rent a property in the New area for that time so he can see if its really that bad, or could he be happy there long term. You can rent a smaller place as you won't be starting a family there and can continue to add to your savings.

If he (or either of your families) argue that renting is "dead money" or "paying someone else's mortgage", point out you need to live as a couple, not in someone else's house. You can't afford to buy a house big enough to last more than 5 years in the area he wants to live in, so the moving costs to a place with a big enough 2nd room in 5-7 years, would wipe that out anyway.

Renting for 6 months will really help see if this relationship can work, and get him out of the mindset that he can go straight into having exactly the same home he grew up in.

Grobagsforever · 19/10/2020 12:17

Agree with PP. get him out of mummy's home into rental for 6 months before buying, too much of a risk for a man to go from mummy to live in girlfriend!

QforCucumber · 19/10/2020 12:33

30 houses seems like a lot to have viewed and disagreed on, it sounds as though you're looking for a holy grail between you. House buying will involve compromise on both sides, however - agree with PP if you've never lived together id be renting for a year or so first.

sunshinesupermum · 19/10/2020 15:19

As pps have said - rent together first - he sounds hard work tbh

Elieza · 19/10/2020 17:15

I think that’s great advice to rent first. I had a mummy’s boy move in with me. He though housework got done once a month. Never did his share. Left me to do it all when I was ill and sitting about at home apparently.

Yeah, try before you buy. Defo rental first.

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