Arguing with DH about house search

[dottyslippers]

We put our house on the market just over a week ago and have spent the last two weekends looking at houses. So far it seems like we really don't have the same opinion on things at all and it's really getting me down. We've only ever had about 2 arguments in our 7 years together and we've already had 3 arguments in the last 2 weeks about the search - what area / how much to spend / whether we would take on a project. I know that moving house is one of the most stressful things you can go through, but i'm so surprised this is having such an impact already. Does anyone have any tips on how to get through the whole thing without killing each other?!

You both have to compromise, perhaps good to start with identifying your own priorities. 1 - price, 2 - area, 3 - condition etc

Hopefully your priorities will be different and allow you to accommodate each other.

I'd take your house off the market until you were clear on the basics of budget, area and size you need. It sounds far too stressful to be trying to sell your house while still not sure of the real essentials.

Once you have the essentials nailed down, I'd look at the type of housing available that meets your criteria. That will let you make a more detailed wish list that's based in reality. For instance it stops you you thinking that period features are necessary if you are going to end up looking in an area and price bracket that is mainly post-war, or rejecting houses with a too small garden if those are the only ones close enough to the station.

After that it's more about personal taste and you might still disagree, but hopefully by that stage you'll both know what is necessary and possible so you can be logical about it.

I know exactly what you mean!

Some tips from experience:

Decide in your own mind what you are prepared to compromise on and what are your non-negotiables. Try and have as few non-negotiables as you can and make them the really important things, not trivial or irrational prejudices.

If a house doesn’t meet your basic requirements, don’t go and view it. You can explain why if you want to, but you don’t have to. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it and there’s no argument to be had. Of course, the same goes for him.

It’s not unusual to need to look at a lot of houses before finding the ones that meet both your requirements. Think of these early viewings as part of the process of investigating what’s available within your budget, and what things are most important to each of you.

Both of you will end up compromising on something. Your dream house doesn’t exist (or if it does, you can’t afford it!)

I know what you mean. We officially began our search for a new apartment on Monday morning. With non compromisable things, make sure that they are important not small issues. I personally recommend seeing a variety of properties.

That way not only will you get value for money you will find that you might actually be on the same page as each other. As always get a decent survey carried out on the property you are considering buying. And see the report on the property.

It’s worth making a list of questions to ask additionally. We have another apartment to see this week without the kids. This is apartment number three for us.

Go back to paper, both of you, then compare and discuss.

I would certainly suggest you don’t take on a project, as if you’re arguing about buying a house your relationship will never survive a renovation!

It's tricky as sometimes criteria you thought were on your 'no' list you might compromise on for the right house. I'd start by remembering why you put your house on the market. Eg location, extra bedroom / bathroom, bigger garden, and make sure you don't lose sight of that when trying to come to a compromise. I think it can be hard to tick every box (obv the more boxes the harder it is) so maybe don't rule a house out unless it doesn't meet your basic requirements.

My husband refused to even view some of the properties I liked (to be fair to him we had very specific requirements). In the end we would both choose one house each to view, even if we didn't like the others choice. It really helped us to see what the other was looking for, and what we could/couldn't compromise on.

I have no advice but wanted to give you my sympathies as I am in exactly this situation so you are not alone x

We've been looking for about 10 months now and are struggling to find something that my husband actually likes. We've seen around 60 houses in this time and of those I've liked a few, say 10 and he's only liked 1. Typically the one we both liked we lost out twice to - it's making life very difficult.

Before this always thought we saw things pretty much the same but we've had some upsets over finding a house.

I honestly believed that we would be spending Christmas in our own home but it's really not looking possible at all.

I sympathise. We have been together 16 years and so rarely argue but argued constantly at the start of our search- he wanted to buy a massive 500 yr old fixer upper at the top of our budget. I was in tears imagining living in a dump for years with our very young children.
We just had to view a lot of houses as I (faked) a positivity that we would eventually find our perfect house. By viewing lots I came round to some things I originally hadn't been keen on,and vice versa.
It helped that all his family thought the idea was nuts too and I had his mum subtlety putting him off the idea....
You will probably both have to compromise but it may take time

Sit down separately, write a list of priorities and desirable characteristics, and rate each one on a scale of 1-5 for how important or negotiable it is. then sit down together and compare notes. See what you’ve got in common and where compromises are possible. In areas where there’s a direct clash then you need to have a proper conversation and actually listen to each other - maybe give five minutes per person to speak uninterrupted about what aspects of that criterion are important. That may throw up more room for compromise than you realised.

We went to look at a Georgian farmhouse. Lovely place but in the middle of bleeding nowhere. My DP loved it. I decided it was a murder venue(?). When I googled it absolutely nothing came up. I decided this was due to the crime being so horrific it had been wiped from the internet and the farms name had been changed. I couldn't say this to DP as I'd have vetoed yet another dream house for him.
Luckily the EA mentioned that the RAF base next door was about to go 'live' with jets so fortunately that vetoed it for him.
So I'd put 'suspected murder scene' on your veto list!

Tbh unless you're in a very hot market area I wouldn't bother looking at stuff till you're more proceedable. Or just look at Rightmove together or drive round different areas.

It took 5 months to sell ours and what we we liked in September wasn't available in Feb. You might be more fortunate than us but actually once all the awful houses had been excluded there were really only three to choose from in our area in our budget. I think you need to work on deciding area with him. After that you might find half the other decisions are taken out of your hands. I wouldn't buy a project unless you are both very keen.