Is it selfish NOT to move house?

[Oscha]

We (me and DH, 2xDC) live in a small, 3 bed terraced ex-council house on a poor street in a lovely city. Our primary school is fab; DD is there now and DS will join her next year. I have some reservations about the secondary we’re in catchment for-it’s officially ‘good’ but very large and impersonal. Our street is dodgy at times. There is a much higher crime rate than in other parts of the city. Drugs, knife crime, etc. That said, our immediate neighbours are lovely and we know lots of fab families a few houses up either way. The houses that the police tend to come out to are about 20 away from ours. It’s bad enough that I wouldn’t let the DC play out on the street, but tbh, I don’t think I would anyway, even if it was leafy!

Since we bought, our house value has risen and we’ve paid off a fair amount of the mortgage. We now have approx £80k left to pay and £100k equity. We bought this place with a mortgage just based on DH’s salary, as I was on mat leave at the time and didn’t know if I’d return to work. Since then, DH has had several pay rises and I’ve quit my job and set up as self employed (I have 3 years of tax returns for mortgage purposes). Combined, we now have enough joint income that we could get a mortgage for around £400k, which in our city would get a very lovely 4 bed house in a much nicer area than ours.

Sorry this is so bloody long! Stream of consciousness.

It sounds like a no brainer-we can move to a nicer house in a nicer area with a better secondary school. But, I am exhausted. I’m working my guts out, alongside being a SAHM. If we sign up for a giant mortgage I will have to continue doing that for...ever?! I’m both bored of my career and stressed out by it, I’m anxious, I’m depressed, and if I’m totally honest, I want a break.

If I stop work, or cut back significantly, my own life will be so much easier. (Selfish!!) DH is totally on board with me doing this if I want to. We could pay off our remaining mortgage on this house pretty easily within a decade and be mortgage free even if I stop working so much. But it would mean staying here, and I feel so torn-on the one hand, my mental health, and on the other, the DC’s...life chances?! Future happiness?! I was brought up in a beautiful house in a leafy part of London, went to boarding school, and had every opportunity. (Though I didn’t become a lawyer or doctor!) If we both commit to it, we can offer some of that to our kids-not the boarding school, but the house, the location, the better school. But at what cost? I’ve cried all over the GP a lot recently. My mental health is deteriorating. I desperately need a break.

I’ve gone round in circles for about 2 years on this. Any thoughts very welcome.

You are happy where you are - there's no guarantee a move elsewhere would be better for your children. Your mental health is more important to your family than a house in a better area imo.

Ive never really understood these all or nothing posts. You don't need to max out. If you cut back, what mortgage could you afford? There is normally a mid ground between the 500 k house and the 180k. One.

Surely there’s a halfway house where you upgrade your house? So you think you’d get 180k, you can borrow an additional 320 (seeing as you owe 80), that gives you a total budget of 500k. What would 350k get you? Would it mean less of a stretch? Would the house improvement be worth it? What do you think your house will be like with teens?

I would agree with Bluntness - why not look at a compromise. A house in a better area but with not much of an increase in your mortgage so you won't feel under as much pressure.

If the area is dodgy with high crime and drugs, it won't affect you much for a few years. It is when your children hit around 10/11 and up that it will bother you.

Would it be possible for you to take a year or so sabbatical, and then go back and consider a move to someplace better but not humongous.

The middle ground would be very appealing financially, but would get us essentially the same house we’re in now, in a better area-we wouldn’t get any extra space.

It does feel a bit all or nothing and I can feel myself obsessing about it. I feel the need to get it right! We can’t really move until DS is in primary school so that gives me about 18mo to fixate 😕

What the PP said. There's no need to get a 400k house when a smaller/cheaper one will do, to be honest I would not want my children to grown up on a street that had police round all the time if I didn't have too. Could you get a 3 bed terrace/end terrace on a nicer street/area of the city?

Sorry, x post. I see what you're saying about not getting any extra space but personally the feeling of living in a quieter area would swing it for me. Plenty of people are not bothered, however you considering moving at all indicates you might be bothered by it?
Could you go for a halfway option that you could extend in a few years? Might give you more space over a longer term enabling you to save money for the work rather than just max out a mortgage iyswim

Would your mental health be better in an area where you're less worried about the crime rate? How will you feel about the area when your children are 14 or 16 and they are out and about more without you, and in the evenings? But you have a while before you need to think about that by the sound of it, and you don't need to decide now for all time.

I don't think it's selfish at all to stick where you are. Climbing the greasy pole, whether at work or in housing, is a choice and doesn't necessarily make people happier. It can be a very positive choice to pick to be rich in time over money - work to live, don't live to work. But in your shoes I would be doing some serious due diligence to make sure there are no good halfway options.

The 400k is not a meaningful figure. It doesn't matter what the bank would lend, you don't want to borrow that much and I wouldn't either. But there might be something out there that's within your comfort zone pricewise and worth trading "up" for. You don't need loads of choice, it just takes one.

I think I'd move to somewhere nicer. Better schooling and as PP says, what about your children wondering round as teenagers?

Given your MH, it would be unwise to max out the mortgage. However, I'd go with that middle ground house - maybe not much bigger but in a much nicer area. However, I'd probably pick something that can be extended, loft converted etc in the future. That way, you can get to that desired house size without high mortgage repayments. As you might do fewer hours, change careers etc there won't be pressure on you to keep up your earnings but you can gradually save up even if you earn less.

Whether you move or not, I wouldn't take on a maximum mortgage. And a bigger house may also mean more work on it, adding to your burden. Is there a middle ground?

I'd move to the nicer area no doubt. When your son starts school you will have more dedicated time for your business, so that may relieve some of the pressures you are feeling anyway. Use the 18 months to look into secondary catchment areas, set up RM alerts, check sold prices and look around the area. It will give you a great idea of what you can get for your money, and what compromises you can make

Your mental health is the priority. 20 houses away is pretty far and who care about extra space if one membe of the familyr is falling apart because of it. It is normal to want to offer your children the best possible, but healthy and balanced are more important that amazing house or even schools. Take care of yourself and revisit the problem in 18 months, things may have changed .

I do think that chucking in your job because you are bored and want a break is a bit self-indulgent TBH and can be quite damaging to the equality of your relationship and your own self-esteem.

I would explore other job options plus ensure that your H is pulling his weight with the "wife work".

I moved and now feel a bit trapped that I can't change jobs. At my old house I could work fewer hours. Im in a bigger house but too stressed sometimes to enjoy. Also factor in cost of larger bills.

I agree with moving to a halfway house option for 300k.

Definitely don't max out. I think staying there and keeping your costs down is a reasonable and sensible decision.

I moved into a bigger house and better area. And then realised I'm trapped working and am unable to cut down my hours. But I don't regret it as I hated living near drug dealers / high crime. I'm much happier in a nicer area. But I do think I could have compromised on house size / style and still enjoyed a nicer area but with less additional monthly cost.