Where to live - proximity to family and friends vs area?

[SouthernerInScotland]

We (me, DP and 2DCs - 4yo and 3yo) moved to Edinburgh last year, from West London.

It is really lovely, I really can't fault it in terms of family-friendly, city facilities, lovely countryside nearby etc. BUT I don't feel at home here, I feel like I'd like to be nearer family and friends, and I feel increasingly like I want to move 'back'. (Not to where we were in London but somewhere nearby)

I'm not sure though if my feelings are worth listening to on this, or whether they are based on false assumptions or rose-tinted memories/ideas etc. I am close but not super-close to my parents and sister, and wouldn't want to be popping around to either all the time. It would just be nice to be able to see people with a bit shorter notice, and know people are there to call in emergencies, that kind of thing.

Most of the people I care about seeing are in London or not far from it, but I'm not sure where we would go - whether a commuter town would suit us or whether we could find somewhere in London we'd be happy with. I miss London, but I had felt really ready to move out when we did.

It has not been an easy move - DP and I majorly fell out around the time we moved, and had a temporary separation for a number of weeks where I was totally by myself up here. He also ended up not being here several weekends so in the first few months it felt really tough not knowing anyone and getting settled. It is easier now, but although there's lots of friendly people around I haven't met anyone who really feels like a potential friend yet.

Our work situation is a bit unusual in that DP is still working in London (Mon-Thurs commute) and I don't have a job up here - so we are not linked to the city work wise yet, although I am job-hunting at the moment.

Have you moved to be closer to family and friends? How did it work out? What things might I have not considered? Any thoughts gratefully received!

PS - regular but name changed as might want to show this thread to DP and don't want him knowing my regular name!

Oh that sounds tough - why did you choose Edinburgh in the first place? If you re-visit that then maybe things will be clearer. Is your DH's job one that can be based anywhere?

We moved back from overseas to be closer to family and ageing parents in particular. We don't have much more contact but it has made visiting his mother in a care home much easier for my DH.

Maybe you've not had enough time to 'settle' yet, and regarding friends, with the ages your children are, maybe you'll make friends at the school gate. Edinburgh has quite a different school atmosphere to other Scottish places (much more like London I suppose) as there are a lot of private schools but no doubt you'll have worked that out by now.

Where in Edinburgh are you based? There's a Scotsnet board on MN, have you thought about posting there?

Sorry, a bit rambly, hope you get more people answering.

I moved back to London to be close to family after moving up to Manchester for work. What makes a real difference when you have dc is when you have last minute emergencies - not huge emergencies like A&E as you'd probably get some help with that if you really needed it, but just getting stuck in traffic and needing someone to pick up the dc, or just feeling a bit too ill to occupy the dc when they're home for the holidays. It's harder once they're at school, I find. You might be able to build up that social network in Edinburgh, but it takes time, and these favours are hard to ask from people you haven't known that well, and it sounds like your DP isn't helping much with that.

I also had much more of a social life once I was close to family - they're happy to have the dc overnight and for holidays, whereas it's quite hard to find/trust sitters for things like that. DH and I even get child-free weekends away. Also my dcs are really close to their cousins now, which is really lovely to see.

Another thing to take into account is your dc's ages and the education system - if you're going to make the move down back down it's probably best to do it sooner rather than later. And the fact that prices are ever rising and if you leave it too late then you'll end up getting priced out (if I'd left it another year that would have happened to me).

We have never lived near family except for a brief period a few years ago. Since then (7 years) we have no family nearby. It's not that I miss them as such but I desperately miss the support. Having someone to be able to collect the kids if I have to be away even or just to be able to call on with no reason. We have good and supportive friends but it is not the same - they have their own kids/demands and most of them have their own supportive families. I am increasingly envious of those who have siblings and parents to help out. If I had the opportunity I wouldn't have to think twice!! My DC benefited so much from having relatives nearby too - they had a much closer relationship with them and were not so utterly attached to me.

pinkje - we chose it because it sounded good basically! DP is Scottish, but West Coast, and neither of us knew it well as a city but it has culture, lots going on for adults and kids, parks, good schools (although yes, the private school culture has thrown me a bit), nice big houses with big gardens, nice countryside nearby…

All that still holds, and I don't think there is anywhere down South that would really offer us quite all that (although it would be warmer!), but I wonder if maybe ticking a lot of boxes isn't as important as ticking enough PLUS just feeling 'right' somehow.

re family - I don't think we'd actually get more help in terms of short-notice childcare - although my Mum loves seeing the kids she's never cared for them by herself and not sure if she would or not if we were closer. Maybe now they're older she would be more confident taking them to the park or something. I guess I was thinking more that it would just be nice to have people to talk to in the flesh - like the weekend I convinced myself DS had swallowed a coin, DP was away and not contactable and I really could have done with someone to just come round to give me a cup of tea and calm me down!

DP's family are about 1.5hrs away from us here, and whilst they're not really available for short-term childcare either (too far away, plus PILs not in great health and SIL single parent to toddler) it does mean that DCs see them fairly regularly whilst we're up here, and I am glad they are getting to know their cousin. Although if we did move I think we'd come and holiday in Scotland fairly regularly - and then we'd just go to where PILs/SIL are so we'd see them for more concentrated periods just less often.

the other thing is that moving nearer means we would see DP all week, but he would have a different, and possibly less pleasant, weekly commuting load (although he has plane/train either end of the week at the moment he stays in a flat close to work so can cycle in between that). He can't move his job, but it is unlikely that he will have this job for more than a couple more years, so then we might not have that tie to London any more.

thanks all for the replies, it is helpful to be chatting it over 'out loud' as it were, rather than all just in my head all the time!

Our situation is slightly different but I can sympathise OP and understand the dilemma you find yourself in.....

We used to live ten minutes drive from my parents until DS went to uni - about seven years ago when DH and me were both 41 - at which point we moved three and a half hours away. It was completely the wrong move as (although we got shot of a huuuuge mortgage and bought mortgage free in a less expensive location) our three remaining parents were ageing and my mum already had Alzheimer's. I'm an only child and I immediately regretted the decision to turn my back on them - although we weren't overly close we did see them fairly often and they fired on DS when he was tiny.

Unfortunately we could no longer afford to move back (SE but not London) without getting another massive mortgage and as DH had started a new career (self-employed) this wasn't so easy.

We sucked it up for a few years and eventally managed to move a little closer but by then we only had one parent remaining as both our dads got Dementia and died within a year......cue big guilt pangs all round. Not only that but after uni DS settled first in London, then Brighton and we rarely see him these days either. Last month my mum passed away and while it was very sudden and even if we'd lived locally we couldn't have got there in time, I felt awful that I couldn't be there for her.

Every time we do see DS - once every six weeks or so - I get really miserable and miss him like crazy when we/he leaves.....and he's 25 for god's sake!

We haven't made any real friends in our newest location and it doesn't feel like 'home' to me. DH would move again tomorrow if it would make me happy, but it's so much upheaval to sell up and my fear is DS would think we were stalking him, lol......

OP, I really feel your pain and it's a difficult one, but I think if it were me I'd move back. My gut feeling is to finish this house off (another year) and move about an hour from DS which at least is closer than now.

{{{Hugs}}} and GL with whatever you decide to do!

doted not fired....blooming ipad autocorrect!

I empathise OP. My situation was slightly different to yours in that we moved from London suburbs to close to PIL in Midlands. My DD was 16 months when we moved and had a medical issue which along with the huge difference in house prices were our main reasons for moving.

We left behind pretty much all our friends and a great NCT group and as a SAHM I found it isolating at first to be in a completely new area with the PIL being the only people I knew. Things changed significantly for me but my DH was still commuting into London for work and so apart from a longer commute, things didn't really change for him.

The main point of all my waffle is that I drastically underestimated how long it would take me to settle into the new area. Even with a small child it was difficult to meet people. Two years on I have met one person who I now truly count as a good friend but have gradually also made a larger network of friends who I see on a regular basis so that I now feel like I have a social life again. I now feel that we definitely made the right decision to move but if you'd have asked me a year ago I would have answered differently.

My DIL threw baby at us this morning she had to go somewhere, emergency they live 2 miles away, so I would not underestimate the value of having family at hand when you suddenly need it unexpectedly.

Raphaella thanks for the hugs and message! {{{{hugs}}}} and to you - it sounds like it's been a very difficult few years, and so sorry about your Mum. I hope you find somewhere to move to that feels more like 'home' and lets you see your DS more often.

My parents are mid-60s and so far in pretty good health, but it's in the back of my mind that if either one of them fall ill or have an emergency it's a long way for me to go to see them. My sister's also fairly likely to start a family soon, and it would be nice to be there for her when/if that happens (although she has a very solid support network of friends close by to her).

Chalky - it's good to hear from someone a little further on, and with the same situation with a DH commuting back to London. I do feel that although DP says he'll live wherever I'm happy, he really hasn't experienced the same upheaval as me so doesn't really get how big of a move it has been.

I've been told 2 years is the magic number to settle in somewhere, so a part of me thinks I just have to be patient and see how I feel then, but in a way I'm wary of getting there - if I then feel settled with friends but still feel a general 'wrongness' in where I am it will be harder to move back, and might always feel torn. My older sister is in this kind of situation - she moved to Australia (to marry an Australian) 14 years ago, and for the first 10 or so years was desperately homesick but they couldn't move home - first her DH didn't want to, then there were visa and money difficulties. Now they are finally in a position where they could move to UK but she has developed a really good network of friends and a job she values, and her kids are settled, so she would really be starting out all over if she moved here, and I think she'll end up over there for good, always with some sadness at missing the UK.

I would want to be settled before DD is 8 I think - that's about the oldest I'd want to move a child - friends I know who moved after 10yo found it really hard. That gives me about 2 years to decide and 1 to plan and move I suppose.

Southerner - I once read an article that said that if you were offered the chance to move away for work, you would need a very large payrise to give you enough incremental happiness to offset the impact on your happiness caused by leaving family/friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the reverse is probably true - being close to family and friends gives you more happiness even if you have to make other sacrifices e.g. house size etc.

Personally, I spent 8 years living away from family in another country. Now my mum and sister are round the corner from me, and extended family within a couple of miles. We live in a much smaller house than we used to, but I couldn't give a monkeys. The enjoyment I get even from randomly bumping into my mother on the street is enormous. Plus she helps out as other people have said with the little emergencies.

I'm not saying you won't settle in Edinburgh, I settled into the new country eventually but it definitely took time. And even though I settled in, I'm still vastly happier now I'm back home.

Thank you Southerner xxx

I think you have to be realistic and ask yourself how often did you physically see your parents/sister/friends whilst living in London? Would that change if you moved back?

Do you think that if you had a better network of friends now you would feel differently?

What if you move back to London and then your DH gets offered a job half way up the country? Would you move again?

It is a very difficult position to be in and having your DH away and still working in London makes your week more lonely.

Why did you move to be nearer DH's family? Why not a half way compromise?

I am just asking questions to make you think about it. I have moved a few times in the last 18 years. None of the moves were to be closer to anything except DH's job.