Relocation anxieties

[expuffinbookclub]

We live in London with 2 children (4 and 7 months) and are ready to move back up North closer to family. We decided on York as liked the city and closer to both sets of parents. Partner has already been offered a job there and I have an interview this week. The problem is it's only 30 minutes from PILs but still 2 1/2 hours from my folks who live in a very rural area in the north-west. I can't shake off the feeling it's too far away from them, especially as I'm an only child and worry about them in old age/falling ill etc. My Dad has had some health problems over the last few years but is stable at present. My parents are encouraging me to give it a go as they are very happy to come over fortnightly to babysit/stay over. They are 70 and active. I would see them much more than now. Partner's family are also supportive and we haven't chosen York to be so close to them, it's just the only place we both liked that brought us a lot nearer. I don't know whether to go ahead - I feel we are on the road already - or tell my partner I want to come to the corner of the country where my parents are. They are not keen and feel it's cut off which I can appreciate. I just wish my parents would be 30 minutes from York, instead of further. I would love to pop in on them after work, for example. I grew up close to my Gran so am very nostalgic for my own childhood I suppose. Starting to feel very anxious and losing all perspective!!

Being half-way between families doesn't make sense. I'd stick with your plan, their job is to make their own arrangements and be brave enough to downsize/move when needed.

you all have to make your own lives - no-one actually lives in a 'forever' home so don't worry about 10 years time until it happens.

My parents keep telling us that we have to move for US, not them, and to what suits us - they argue that the next generation is more important than the previous one, and they have pointed out that they are quite likely to move from their lovely little village to a town/city as they get older. Why assume your parents will stay where they are?

FWIW, we are moving partly because we are so far from my parents, but the aim is to be within 'return trip in a day' distance. A journey that we can manage with the children, with one driver, with no (planned) stops - 2-2.5hrs is what we've agreed is doable for everyone.

You need to establish priorities - in three or four years' time onwards, is it more important that your DC are able to pop in to see your DPs, or that you have good access to facilities/activities for them? Which journey is more important, the one to your parents, or the work commute? Every 15 mins more that your DH adds to his commute is 2.5hrs a week less that he sees the DC. Same for you, if you get the job, so 5hrs less total pw with parents.

If your parents need you more, they'll move, especially as you're an only.

Seriously though - if you lived 30 mins from your parents, and they're in an isolated area, how far from work would you be living (assuming you both find new jobs as presumably your DH's new job would be too far)? 45 mins? 1hr plus? In the other direction?? And you think that you'll finish work at 5, drive 1h30 to pop in in your parents, drive 30 mins back home and pick up the DC at 7.30ish from the CM or wherever? You need to work through the options logically, they May not be options after all, and then you'd have no regrets.

We've done the same calculations, we got a big map and drew various circles. Living close to my parents sadly just isn't workable for us - they live in the wrong place, not us, and careers, schools, local facilities like handy shops, leisure centres, doctor, etc, children's social lives, children's independence as they grow older just aren't worth sacrificing for in order to live within 30 mins of my parents... Who are often off on holiday, visiting friends and generally enjoying themselves anyway!

Thanks for your comments blackbirds. It helps to know you are processing simular issues. You are right about half way being a no man's land option. My parents say to find somewhere we are happy and take it from there. I think I feel torn as likely place we will end up is near in-laws so they would never have to contemplate moving but my parents might. Partner says if we moved near my family they would feel that's all they have in common with area. But I feel a bit the same about moving to York though we do have job offers there so big practical difference. I'm frightened of being lonely, feeling I've made a mistake. So many things. Never been one for enjoying change I realise. My Dad says bite the bullet. In an ideal world, I'd probably share a big house with my parents (as a friend does) and never worry again about them!